What to Do with Those Moments (of Not Measuring up)

By Taisa Efseaff Maffey

We all have those moments.  At least I like to tell myself that we all have those moments.  Those moments when we stop and look at ourselves in the mirror and ask, “How did I get here?  Who have I become?  Is this really what my life looks like?  Is this really what I look like?”

Those moments aren’t necessarily negative.  It’s absolutely normal for our lives to turn out differently than we originally planned.  Certain realities come into play as we grow older.  Our priorities change; our interests change; we change.  Then again, sometimes those moments can be negative.  We can all identify those moments fairly easily because they’re typically shadowed in a mixture of pain, regret, frustration, and shame.

I distinctly remember having one of those moments.  I was 26 and had just moved back in with my parents after dropping out of grad school.  Before I had initially moved away, I remember feeling so settled and sure about where my life was heading.  I had my bachelor’s degree in hand, and I was moving to the grand city of Boston on the important east coast to go into the intellectually noble field of publishing.  I was moving just for grad school, but secretly I assumed I would end up getting a fabulous job in Boston and stay there for good.  I was so sure, I took all of the clothes and shoes I owned with me; I didn’t leave anything behind at my parents’ house “just in case things didn’t work out.”

And then… things didn’t work out.  I had a complete change of heart about grad school after attending the orientation and first week of classes for my precious publishing program, where all anyone could talk about was how the conventional publishing industry is dying, how electronic publishing is taking over, and how publishing jobs are scarcer than ever.  Suddenly, the realization hit that I would be digging myself deeper into my already existing hole of student debt only to end up with a master’s degree I couldn’t use to pay off that debt.

I remained in Boston for the next few months, trying to find work but only managed to get a few temp jobs here and there.  Still, I was determined to stay and make it work.  I was certain I was meant to be in Boston for a reason.  Maybe it was just a matter of time until I fell into an amazing job opportunity, which would lead to other great things for me on the important east coast.  I remained hopeful.  That is, until I started waking up with bed bug bites on my back and arms.  As odd as it sounds, the tiny bed bug is ultimately what brought my fantastic plans for the future crashing down.

For those who don’t know, bed bugs are not just some silly, imagined thing from a nursery rhyme: “Good night, sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!”  Bed bugs are real.  They are basically small parasites.  They are more common in crowded cities, and they hide instinctively and very easily.  Once inside a residence, they often hide in, under, or around mattresses, where they can conveniently rely on a host every night for feeding.  They typically come out and suck their host’s blood while their host is sleeping.  Often the only evidence of their presence is the resulting itchy bite marks the host finds in the morning.  In my case, the bite marks swelled into large, itchy welts.

Anyway, I had already planned on coming home to Oregon for Christmas, but then I followed that through to the point of returning to my current life in Boston.  What would I be returning to?  No master’s program, no real job, and at least one bed bug waiting up for me every night.  At that point, I broke.  My whole life, I’d been encouraged by teachers and movies and TV specials to dream big and follow my dreams.  And here I had enthusiastically obeyed and bravely flown off with my dreams like they were a great wad of giant helium balloons.  Only for those dreams to burst in a machine gunfire of pops.  At that point, all I wanted was to come home for good.

So I did.  But because I didn’t know how many bed bugs there were in my apartment or if any could possibly be taking refuge among my clothes and shoes, I returned home with only the clothes on my back and a small selection of carefully examined books and possessions in a brand new bag I had stashed in my neighbor’s apartment.  Once my mom met me at the airport, I went straight into the airport bathroom to change into the fresh clothes she had brought me, and then I threw away the clothes I had worn on the plane, just to be safe.

(To those of you who find my actions overly dramatic and even neurotic, I can only suggest that you talk to someone who has dealt with bed bugs or other types of infestations, including black mold.  There’s no such thing as being too careful.  They are not only extraordinarily difficult and stressful problems to get rid of, but I can tell you the psychological impact on the people involved is real and can even be traumatic.)

So I moved back in with my parents at age 26, and I basically had nothing.  I no longer had my master plan for at least the next two years of my life.  I didn’t have a back-up plan either, so I had no idea what to do next.  I didn’t even have my own clothes or shoes anymore, so I had virtually nothing to wear.  All I had were nightmares where bed bugs were crawling all over me and I couldn’t move to get away.  And I remember looking at myself in the mirror and thinking, “This is what 26 looks like?  I should be on my way to getting an advanced degree and then an important job in an amazing city.  I should be getting my life together by now.”

We all have our “should”s.  I should have my degree by now.  I should be married by now.  I should have [X-number of] kids by now.  I should be further along in my career by now.  I should own my own house by now.  I should have lost the extra weight by now.  I should have finished that project by now.  I should be better at this or that by now.  I should be out of debt by now.  I should have saved a certain amount of money by now.  I should have achieved certain life goals by now.

These thoughts can plague us anytime, but I think they tend to come up more often around two times of the year: 1) our birthdays, which are a natural time for self-reflection, and 2) the holidays, when yet another year is coming to an end and we wonder what we have to show for the past 12 months.  Well, I just had my birthday in November, and here we are in December, and New Year’s Day will be here before we know it.  And I definitely still have my own list of “should”s, but I’m learning (slowly) to not let them get to me anymore.  Because as I pray to see myself the way that God sees me, I realize the “should”s we typically agonize over and punish ourselves with are simply not true.

Do you know what God actually expects of you and me?  Micah 6:8 says,

“He has shown you, O man, what is good;

And what does the Lord require of you

But to do justly,

To love mercy,

And to walk humbly with your God?”

That’s it.  I love this verse because it simplifies our lives so beautifully (if we let it):

1. Do justly.  In other words, do what’s right.  Live obediently to God, according to His instructions in the Bible.
2. Love mercy.  God’s mercy is what keeps us from getting the punishment that we deserve for our sins.  To put it bluntly, without God’s mercy, we are doomed.  The correct response to God’s mercy – His forgiveness – is to receive it, embrace it, love it, abide in it, and allow your gratitude for it to transform you into who He created you to be, casting off the sins that He died for.
3. Walk humbly with your God.  Stick close to Him, acknowledging that He is the one in charge, not you.  Purpose in your heart to do His will, not your own, understanding that He knows best and His ways are best.

That’s a pretty short list, isn’t it?  These three simple requirements God has for us and our lives convince me that the “should”s we typically hold ourselves up against are not from Him.  This isn’t to say that God doesn’t put certain ideas, plans, or goals on our hearts or in our minds, but God-given desires are very different from the “should”s, and you don’t want to mix up the two.  Here’s how you can identify the “should”s in your head so you know what to tune out:

First of all, the “should”s condemn us.  The “should”s always insist that we are not measuring up, not doing enough, not good enough.  They make us feel defeated and just plain bad.  But that condemnation is not from God:

“There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.” (Romans 8:1)

“For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.” (John 3:17)

Once you have accepted that Jesus Christ died for your sins, and you are earnestly trying to live your life in obedience to Him, there is no condemnation against you.  Not for your ugliest sin, and not for failing to live up to whatever measuring stick you are using to evaluate your worth and your life.  Instead, Jesus says to us,

“Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)

When I find myself revisiting my “should”s, I feel not only condemned but burdened by the weight of all my inadequacies.  But Jesus assures us that He is gentle and meek, and He actually invites us to come to Him for rest from our laboring, our striving, and the heavy loads we carry in our spirits.  What He gives us in exchange is easy and light.

At this point, I think it’s important to clarify the difference between condemnation and conviction.  My pastor once explained the difference by saying that condemnation causes us to pull away from God while conviction causes us to move closer to God.  When we feel condemned, we tend to hide from God (and even other people) and wallow in our guilt and shame.  Again, this is not of God.  Conviction, on the other hand, is good and necessary to keep us spiritually healthy and growing closer to who God has called us to be.  Conviction of what, you might ask?  In a word, sin.  In another word, disobedience.

“Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” (Hebrews 12:11)

“All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work.” (2 Timothy 3:16-17)

Like condemnation, conviction doesn’t feel good; unlike condemnation, conviction is actually good for us.  Condemnation sends us into darkness; conviction should lead us back into the light.  In order to feel better when we feel condemned, we need to remind ourselves of these Biblical truths and squash those “should”s.  In order to feel better when we feel convicted, we need to repent of our sin – ask God for forgiveness and change direction, purposing in our hearts to live in obedience to Him.  In either case, the answer is always turning back to God, turning back to Truth.

The other way to identify the “should”s is to hold them up against the Bible.  When I think about the “should”s I listed above, they all have one thing in common: they all center on selfish ambition.  Each of those “should”s carries with it the expectation and desire to be further ahead or better off in some way.  No, it’s not a bad thing to want to improve ourselves or have goals in life, but it is bad if we allow the world’s definitions of success to take over our desires and become more important to us than pleasing God.  And it is bad if we’re unwilling to let go of our sense of entitlement and our plans and accept that God might want something different for us.

“And be not conformed to this world: but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.” (Romans 12:2)

It’s also worth noting that the Bible warns against allowing worldly desires and selfish ambitions to take root in our lives:

“For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life—is not from the Father but is from the world.  And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever.” (1 John 2:16-17)

“Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.” (Philippians 2:3)

Have you ever noticed that your “should”s start tapping you on the shoulder whenever you compare yourself to other people?  It’s so tempting to look at other people your age or gender or who are in your line of work to see how you measure up, but it is such a dangerous trap.  Not only does it bring up those feelings of condemnation again, but comparing also quickly leads to coveting.  You start out by comparing your situation to theirs and then find yourself wishing you could be in their position and have their opportunities, talents, looks, relationships, accomplishments, money, or material possessions.  In turn, coveting incites selfish ambition, in the form of desires and plans to catch up to or surpass your peers.  Truly, nothing good comes from comparing yourself with others, as coveting and selfish ambition are all too often the result, and both are called out as sin in the Bible.  It’s a slippery slope.

“For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there.” (James 3:16)

When I was making plans for grad school and dreaming about all the possibilities that surely awaited me, I have to admit it was with selfish ambition.  I liked having plans that sounded impressive.  My ego wanted to feed off another two years of doing well in an academic program.  I wanted to end up in a career that made me feel important.  Thankfully, God knew this would not be the best life for me.  He wanted to give me something better, even when I didn’t know something better existed.

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts,

Nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord.

“For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

So are My ways higher than your ways,

And My thoughts than your thoughts.” (Isaiah 55:8-9)

I’m going to say something crazy here.  Is there a desire or goal you’ve had for a long time that remains unfulfilled?  Dare I suggest that God is not fulfilling that desire or allowing you to achieve that goal because He wants you to put Him first and submit to His will?  Check yourself.  Are you willing to be like Jesus and pray, “Nevertheless not My will, but Yours, be done” (Luke 22:42)?  Are you willing to sacrifice your greatest desires to the Lord and trust Him to give you the very best in His time and His way?

God wants our full hearts.  He wants our first desire to be for Him.  He wants us to submit ourselves to Him and trust Him.  And He wants to give us good things.  So don’t be surprised (and don’t resist) when God uses your desires to draw you closer to Him and, quite possibly, to teach you to desire something better.

“Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:6-7)

As for all those “should”s, ask God to help you see yourself as He sees you.  I’m still working on this myself.  Start calling out those voices of condemnation in your head for what they are: LIES.  Seek God’s will for you.  Ask Him to give you the right desires; to want what He wants for you.  Ask Him to show you the way He wants you to go; to do what He wants you to do.  Only then will you find true fulfillment and peace.  And by all means remind yourself of Micah 6:8:

“He has shown you, O man [or O woman], what is good;

And what does the Lord require of you

But to do justly,

To love mercy,

And to walk humbly with your God?”

That is all.

Avoiding the D-word, Part V

By Taisa Efseaff Maffey

King Solomon, with all his wisdom, had this to say:

“Two are better than one,

Because they have a good reward for their labor.

For if they fall, one will lift up his companion.

But woe to him who is alone when he falls,

For he has no one to help him up.

Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm;

But how can one be warm alone?

Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him.

And a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)

I read this passage as an encouraging reminder of how great marriage is.  God created marriage to be an amazing cooperation of two people working together, helping each other, comforting each other, protecting each other, and finding strength together as a unit.  Marriage is a good thing.  It’s us who often turn it into something complicated, frustrating, ugly, and painful.

I spent a lot of time in the previous sections talking about Satan’s agenda to wreck marriages.  But here’s the great news: “Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him.  And a threefold cord is not quickly broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:12).  Hopefully I’ve made it clear by now that you and your spouse can avoid ever resorting to divorce by fortifying your marriage – banding together as a couple, putting each other first and forsaking all others, and refusing to indulge in destructive arguments and insults.

But notice that it also says, “And a threefold cord is not quickly broken.”  The threefold cord that I picture in my head is basically a braid made up of three strands.  One strand on its own is thin and pretty weak.  If you wrap one strand around another, it’s a little thicker and stronger, but when you take three strands and interweave them to create a braid, you’ve got a cord that is pretty sturdy and difficult to break.  If you think of you and your spouse as two of those folds or strands, the third fold in the cord that makes it even stronger and resistant to breakage refers to God.  In other words, the couple who wraps their marriage around God, following His design for marriage, has the strongest marriage and the best components for success.

No marriage is perfect, no man is the perfect husband, and no woman is the perfect wife.  But if we submit ourselves and our marriages in humility to God and His instructions for living, His grace covers our shortcomings: “But He gives more grace.  Therefore He says: ‘God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.’  Therefore submit to God.  Resist the devil and he will flee from you.” (James 4:6-7; emphasis added).

Don’t be so proud that you refuse to put your marriage and your spouse first.  Be humble enough to sacrifice what you want for the good of the marriage.  Be humble enough to ask God for His help and wisdom.  Be humble enough to apologize and reconcile when necessary, even if it means having to make the first move.  Don’t be so proud that you’re unwilling to forgive.  Remember that Christ has forgiven you.

“And above all things have fervent love for one another, for ‘love will cover a multitude of sins.’” (1 Peter 4:8)

Re-read Avoiding the D-word, Part I, or Part II, or Part III, or Part IV.

Avoiding the D-word, Part IV

By Taisa Efseaff Maffey

Safeguard #3: Know who your enemy is… and who it’s not.

"Do you renounce Satan and all his works and all his pomps?"

Yup, I’m talking about Satan again.  Marriage is a battlefield, but not in the way a lot of people think.  Sometimes it’s easy to feel like you’re going head-to-head against your spouse, like they’re your opponent, even your enemy.  After all, they are the one you may disagree with, argue with, get annoyed at, feel hurt or disappointed by, etc.  But the truth is your spouse is not the enemy.  Rather, in the Bible, it’s always Satan who is the enemy.  “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but […] against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms” (Ephesians 6:12).

I’m not saying you should never have conflicts with your spouse.  That’s not a realistic expectation, and in fact I think couples grow closer by working out their differences… but together, not against each other.  Don’t try to win arguments, be the one who’s Right, or be the one who has the last word.  “But avoid foolish and ignorant disputes, knowing that they generate strife” (2 Timothy 2:23).  Remember that Satan “walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.” (1 Peter 5:8).  Stop and recognize those fights for what they are: Satan trying to devour your marriage through contention and discord.

Think of it this way: Whenever you respond to your spouse in anger, whenever you cut down your spouse with your words, whenever you distance yourself from your spouse, whenever you refuse to fulfill your own role in the marriage, you’re just giving Satan a stronger foothold to bring your marriage down.  So if you want to resist Satan and ultimately defeat his attacks on your marriage, reconcile your differences with your spouse as quickly as possible:

“‘Be angry, and do not sin’: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil.” (Ephesians 4:26-27)

“Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice.  And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:31-32)

“Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.  But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection.” (Colossians 3:12-14)

I know, the things these verses tell us to do can seem absolutely impossible when we’re upset, hurt, or angry.  But remember that verse in James?  “Therefore submit to God.  Resist the devil and he will flee from you” (4:7).  The truth is when we submit ourselves to doing things God’s way and we relinquish our pride, our wills, and our emotions to Him, He gives us the wisdom, humility, and strength to do the right thing – to be loving, kind, and reconciliatory to our spouses – even when we otherwise don’t feel like it and don’t feel like we can do it on our own.  But once we do, Satan will flee from us and we will have the victory in reclaiming our marriage, one squashed fight at a time.

“I say then: Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh.  For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish.  But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.” (Galatians 5:16-18)

Continue on to Avoiding the D-word, Part V, or re-read Part I, or Part II, or Part III.

Avoiding the D-word, Part III

By Taisa Efseaff Maffey

Safeguard #2: Honor your spouse.

This is an extension of the first safeguard, but I wanted to set it apart specifically to give it extra weight.

Most people know the commandment, “You shall not commit adultery” (Exodus 20:14), and I think most people would agree with it: cheating on your spouse is wrong.  But when Jesus talked about this verse, He took it a huge step further: “‘You have heard that it was said to those of old, “You shall not commit adultery.”  But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart’” (Matthew 5:27-28).  Wow.  That’s heavy, isn’t it?  To even look at someone who is not your spouse in a desirous way is the same as cheating on your spouse.  Let that sink in for a second.

Using Jesus’ definition, adultery is not limited to a sexual affair with another person but encompasses infidelity that takes place through the eyes, in the mind, and in the heart.  This would include looking at sexual images or other people in a lustful way, admiring someone other than your spouse in a romantic way, or doing anything to foster an intimate relationship, whether physically or emotionally, with someone other than your spouse.

This definition may seem extreme to some people.  We’ve all heard jokes made about pornography that make light of it and jokes about couples harboring crushes on celebrities.  Some guys will openly admire the way another woman looks… in front of their wives.  I’ve also heard of wives who send their husbands off to bachelor parties with, “Remember, you can look but don’t touch!”  And I know some couples think it’s perfectly fine for the husband to have female friends and for the wife to have male friends to interact with separately from their spouse.

But for those people who think those kinds of things are okay, I would have to ask, “Does it honor your spouse to do that?  Does it show them respect and loyalty?  Does it make them feel treasured?  Does it show reverence for your marriage?”

In 1 Thessalonians, it says, “Abstain from all appearance of evil” (5:22).  This is a good principle to follow when it comes to our marriages and interactions with members of the opposite sex.  Rather than debating about that line we shouldn’t cross, why not make it the goal to honor our spouses in everything?  In other words, cut out anything in our lives that doesn’t show our spouses complete respect, faithfulness, and the highest favor.  This not only blesses our spouses and our marriages, but it is a major safeguard against divorce.

The fact is just like everything else, adultery has a beginning.  Affairs don’t just happen.  They start with something – a look, a compliment, a flirtatious laugh, a private conversation about personal matters, an emotional connection, a hand on the arm, a hug that lasts a little too long.  A spouse might argue that they like having friends of the opposite sex and that those friendships are completely innocuous.  Well, they are until they aren’t.

There are several places in the Book of Proverbs that talk about the dangers of adultery.  These particular verses give great advice:

“Drink water from your own cistern,

And running water from your own well.

Should your fountains be dispersed abroad,
Streams of water in the streets?
Let them be only your own,
And not for strangers with you.

Let your fountain be blessed,

And rejoice with the wife of your youth.” (Proverbs 5:15-18)

Using the imagery of water, this passage is instructing to invest in your own marriage and receive refreshment and satisfaction from your own spouse, not from another.

Early on in our relationship, Ethan and I agreed that it wasn’t appropriate for either of us to spend one-on-one time with members of the opposite sex.  Of course we could still have friends of the opposite sex, but any interaction or communication with them was with both of us present or with others around.  Besides, what could we get from other friendships that we weren’t already getting from each other?  Ethan and I are best friends; I don’t have any use for other guy friends, and Ethan has no need for additional female friends in his life.  My argument is that when you make your spouse your Favorite, there is no need for any other.

Additionally, if we’re watching TV or a movie where there are sexualized images, Ethan and I close our eyes or turn our heads away.  Unfortunately, these days we even have to do that with some commercials.  In the Book of Psalms, King David declares, “I will set nothing wicked before my eyes” (101:3a).  Another translation reads, “I will refuse to look at anything vile and vulgar” (NLT).  Furthermore, Jesus taught, “‘The lamp of the body is the eye.  If therefore your eye is good, your whole body will be full of light.  But if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness.  If therefore the light that is in you is darkness, how great is that darkness!’” (Matthew 6:22-23).

Because men are more visual than women, it is especially important for men to protect what they let their eyes see.  For any guys reading this, I can tell you from personal experience that you will honor your wife so much and make her feel so treasured when she sees you taking purposeful measures to avoid looking at inappropriate images of other women as well as women in real life who are dressed in revealing clothes.  It will convey to your wife that she is the only woman you care about and desire, and it will make her feel so loved.

Continue on to Avoiding the D-word, Part IV, or re-read Part I or Part II.

Avoiding the D-word, Part II

By Taisa Efseaff Maffey

Safeguard #1: Treasure your spouse.

Jesus said, “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Matthew 6:21).  Think about how you treat a material possession you have that you treasure – a car, a fancy dress, a piece of expensive jewelry, an antique piece of furniture, a gigantic TV, a special family keepsake.  Do you leave it lying around somewhere where it’s vulnerable to being damaged or lost?  Of course not.  Because you care about it and even have emotional attachment to it, you take careful measures to protect it from anything or anyone that can cause it harm or take it away from you.  How much more do we need to protect our marriages and keep them safe?  The first step is to treasure your spouse.

I think a common problem in marriage today is we’re not serious enough or vigilant about our marriages; we gradually begin to take our spouses for granted and treat them casually.  We get duped into thinking marriage is self-cleaning; it maintains itself as we go about our daily, weekly, and monthly activities.  It’s easy to allow our spouse to slip down the list of priorities when we feel there are so many other things that demand our attention first – jobs, bills, kids, pets, housework, and the list goes on.  We think the spouse can wait – they’ll still be there once we attend to everything else – but this ultimately puts our spouse (and our marriage) in the precarious position of being at the bottom of the list.  Let’s face it, things at the bottom of the list tend to fall by the wayside.  In other words, low priority spouse = dead marriage.

While we were in the early stages of our relationship and falling in love, one of the mushier texts Ethan and I would send each other was, “You’re my Favorite.”  (Notice that “Favorite” is capitalized.)  We still say that to each other today.  It may seem like a cutesy statement, but we mean it in a deep way (hence the capitalization) to declare to each other that above anyone and everything else (except for the Lord), we view each other as #1 – the very best, the most important, and our first preference every time.  Every time we say that to each other, we’re saying, “I choose YOU; I want YOU.”

Now, I recognize every couple is different, and other couples may not express their love verbally as much as they do in other ways (though I would argue that it’s important for every couple to have some verbal expression of love in their relationship).  But the point is making your spouse your treasure – treating them like they’re the greatest person you know and making them feel that they are most important and precious in your life, that they are your Favorite.  This means that they are more important than your job, getting the housework done, your favorite sports team, your “me-time,” your own family members, even your kids.

Yup, I said it: Your spouse should come first before your children.  I think it’s safe to say this is harder for women than it is for men.  Starting at conception, kids are born to be dependent on their moms.  This dependency lessens as they grow older, but it’s still always there.  Moms, in turn, have an innate compulsion to care for and protect their children, which is as God intended, but not to the extent that women treat their kids better than their husbands.  In Titus 2:4, it is written that women are to love their husbands (first) and their children (second).  Dr. Laura Schlessinger also writes about this in her truly necessary book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands:

“Literally hundreds of men have written to me about their pain with being marginalized after the children were born.  Once their wives became mothers, they had no time to be wives.  The men would even compliment their wives on being great mothers, but expressed considerable pain over not being shown love, affection, or sexual interest.  The typical reply from a wife challenged with this was ‘I only have time to take care of one person, and our child is that person.  I’m just too tired for you.’

“This puts fathers in the ugly and uncomfortable position of feeling competitive with and resentful of their children, whom they love so much.  They miss the affection, companionship, and lovemaking they used to share with their wives.  They feel put aside and shut out and unimportant.” (28)

On the most basic level, the following verse encapsulates how we should be treating our spouses: “Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband” (Ephesians 5:33).  It’s interesting the distinction made in this verse, that husbands are to love their wives while women are to respect their husbands.  This doesn’t mean the converse doesn’t also apply, but the wording suggests that it is of primary importance for men to show their wives love and for wives to show their husbands respect.

What happens when a man doesn’t feel respected by his wife?  He might get angry a lot, he might give up trying in the marriage altogether, or he might look for that feeling of respect from somewhere or someone else.  What happens when a woman doesn’t feel loved by her husband?  She might whine, nag, become cold and withdrawn, or again, she might look for that feeling of love from somewhere or someone else.  Any one of these scenarios results in serious problems, if not disaster, for the marriage.

Bottom line: Make your spouse feel treasured.  Don’t neglect them.  Don’t criticize them.  Don’t make fun of them.  Treat them better than you treat anyone else.  Brag about them to other people, especially when your spouse is around and can hear you.  Take care of them, do things for them, put their needs first.  Compliment them, encourage them, tell them you appreciate them.  Husbands, tell your wives how much you love them, how gorgeous they are, and how thankful you are for everything that they do.  Wives, tell your husbands you respect them for their hard work and admire them for some of their more manly qualities.  (I’ve never met a man who doesn’t like to be recognized as manly.)

As a side-note, I recommend reading The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman, which discusses the different ways in which people demonstrate their love to others and desire to receive love from others, which may in fact be different.  For example, I tend to show my love by doing acts of service, but the way I feel the most loved is when I receive words of support, encouragement, or praise.  Ethan is different from me.  While I know he appreciates the things I do for him, he feels most loved when we’re spending time together, even if it’s just watching TV.  If you don’t get around to reading the book, you and your spouse can discover your love languages by taking a quiz on the Web site: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/.

Work Cited:

Schlessinger, Laura. The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. HarperCollins Publishers, 2004.

Continue on to Avoiding the D-word, Part III, or re-read Part I.