Avoiding the D-word, Part I

By Taisa Efseaff Maffey

[DISCLAIMER: Because divorce is such a sensitive subject for a lot of people, I want to be clear that the purpose of this post is not to bash anyone who’s been divorced.  Nor is the purpose of this post to argue that divorce is never an option; there are in fact a couple of legitimate grounds for divorce in the Bible, but that goes beyond the scope of this post, so I’m acknowledging the fact that those reasons exist here, upfront, to avoid misunderstanding.  This post is simply written from the assumption that most people would rather have a happy marriage than get divorced.  This post is also written from my personal perspective that the happiest, strongest marriages result from following Biblical principles.]

When I started this blog, I wasn’t quite sure what shape it would take or what exact topics I would cover, but I was resolute about one thing: I wouldn’t write just for the sake of having something to post.  We are all barraged by content everywhere we turn online.  If you read one article or watch one video, five more pop up as suggestions.  There’s always someone or something vying for your attention, trying to get you interested in what they’re doing or selling.  I’ve never had lofty ambitions for this blog other than I decided I would only write blog posts when I had something I felt strongly was worth writing and worth reading.  For this reason, I haven’t posted anything in over four months.

During that time, I’ve thought of a lot of different ideas to explore as blog posts, but each idea quickly fizzled out.  The more time passed, the more I tried to come up with a plan about what to write next, but I just didn’t feel that I had God’s confirmation about any of my ideas.  And yet, there was one particular topic I didn’t want to write about but couldn’t get out of my head.

Over the past few months, it seems like I haven’t been able to stop hearing about couples who were separating, considering divorce, getting divorced, or dealing with the difficult, painful aftermath of divorce.  I know this isn’t unusual.  Divorce is a ubiquitous aspect of modern day society.  Nevertheless, it hurts my heart when I hear about people who are struggling in their marriages, even when they’re people I barely know.

Every married person (or I’d like to think every married person) has experienced the thrill and fun and romance that leads up to marriage – meeting and getting to know each other, dating, falling in love, creating memories, getting and being engaged, planning the wedding.  There’s really nothing like it.  And then of course there’s the joy of marriage itself – always having your best friend with you; living in your own little world of shared silliness, private looks, and inside jokes; connecting in emotional and physical intimacy; banding together as a team that privately protests together against the injustice of bad movies, bad dining experiences, and bad drivers.  (Or maybe that last example is just me and Ethan?)

So when I hear about a couple who is getting a divorce, I can’t help but think, “What HAPPENED?  How do you go from being a couple who was once in love and affectionate towards each other, who loved being together and presumably thought so well of each other… to a couple who can’t have a conversation without fighting, who can’t stand to be in the same room together, who can’t seem to find anything good in each other or in their marriage that’s worth holding onto and not giving up?  Where did it all go wrong?”  It’s gut-wrenching to see how ugly and painful and messy things get when a marriage falls apart, especially when you compare it to how beautiful and happy relationships typically are in the beginning.

We all know or at least can imagine the devastation that divorce brings – the breaking apart of two lives that were once knit together in unity; the shattering of expectations of what you thought your life would look like; feelings of hurt, anger, rejection, betrayal, regret, and failure; the emotional and logistical hardship it causes any children involved – but what also makes divorce a tragedy, as I see it, is how avoidable it is.

I know that goes contrary to what seems to be the general consensus today.  We’ve all heard it said, “There are no guarantees!” when it comes to marriage, along with “You can never truly know a person,” and “People change! People grow apart! They’re not the same people as they were when they got married,” and “Just as people can fall in love, people can fall out of love.”  While it’s true that no one has any direct control over their spouse’s personality, character, or choices, the Bible teaches that each spouse is still individually responsible for fulfilling their own designated role in their marriage, and by following God’s design for marriage as outlined in the Bible, we can by and large avoid resorting to divorce.  Here’s why:

God created marriage.  After He created the universe and declared that everything He created was good, God created Adam and then said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him” (Genesis 2:18; emphasis added), and He created Eve to be Adam’s wife.  “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).  The Book of Proverbs adds this commentary: “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord” (18:22).

Therefore, since God created woman for the good of man, since God created marriage as a good thing, since God designed marriage so that a man and a woman join themselves together physically, emotionally, and legally for their mutual benefit, that means… drumroll, please… God is PRO-MARRIAGE.  When asked about divorce by the Pharisees, Jesus instructed, “Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate” (Mark 10:9).  Once a man and woman say, “I do,” God desires the marriage to thrive and last permanently.

But just as God is the #1 advocate for marriage, Satan is the #1 adversary against marriage.  Yes, Satan exists, and he is against anything and everything that God has created for good.  The Bible teaches, “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.” (1 Peter 5:8).  Satan wants nothing better than to cause rifts and create distance in your relationship with your spouse, to break up your covenant before God, to break up your family, and to open up permanent emotional wounds in your children.  With the carnage of failed marriages all around us, we can deduce that this type of destruction is a specialty of Satan’s.  He’s very good at ruining lives… but only if we let him.

Notice the beginning of that verse: “Be sober, be vigilant.”  And the verse that immediately follows instructs us to “Resist him [Satan], steadfast in the faith[…]” (1 Peter 5:9a).  We are warned that we need to be serious and watchful for tactics that Satan might use to try to bring us down.  And we are instructed to resist his tactics by holding on to God’s truth and living in obedience to it.  In other words, we have a part to play; it is up to us to resist Satan’s attacks, because they will likely come.

This may seem like a silly example, but as early as when we were still dating, Ethan and I started to notice that we would often get into a fight right before we were about to go do something together that we had been really looking forward to.  I’m sorry to say there were more than a couple date nights foiled because we got into an argument right before.  We finally put it together after one of those arguments, when one of us made the comment, “You know, it seems like every time we’re about to go out for sushi, we get into a fight!”  (We both love sushi.)  Fast-forward to our honeymoon in Maui, when we were walking around downtown Lahaina, waiting for our reservation time at (what else?) a sushi restaurant, and sure enough we got into a fight.  Thankfully, before it went on too long, I suddenly stopped and said, “Ethan.  The only reason we’re fighting is because we’re about to go have sushi!” and I threw my arms around him.  Without another word, we grabbed each other’s hands and kept walking.

“Let love be without hypocrisy.  Abhor what is evil.  Cling to what is good.” (Romans 12:9)

We need to start thinking about our marriages as a big, fat target for Satan.  Remember in 1 Peter, we are instructed to “Resist him [Satan], steadfast in the faith[…]” (5:9a; emphasis added).  Again in James, it tells us, “Therefore submit to God.  Resist the devil and he will flee from you” (4:7; emphasis added).  So how do we resist Satan in this area?  The answer is to fortify your marriage.  I like the word “fortify” because it means “to protect or strengthen against attack; surround or provide with defensive military works.”  More specifically, in order to fortify your marriage, you need to put up safeguards.  A safeguard is “something that serves as a protection or defense or that ensures safety” (www.dictionary.com).  In the next few posts, I’m going to talk about three essential safeguards you can start putting up immediately, if you haven’t done so already.

Continue on to Avoiding the D-word, Part II.