Avoiding the D-word, Part III

By Taisa Efseaff Maffey

Safeguard #2: Honor your spouse.

This is an extension of the first safeguard, but I wanted to set it apart specifically to give it extra weight.

Most people know the commandment, “You shall not commit adultery” (Exodus 20:14), and I think most people would agree with it: cheating on your spouse is wrong.  But when Jesus talked about this verse, He took it a huge step further: “‘You have heard that it was said to those of old, “You shall not commit adultery.”  But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart’” (Matthew 5:27-28).  Wow.  That’s heavy, isn’t it?  To even look at someone who is not your spouse in a desirous way is the same as cheating on your spouse.  Let that sink in for a second.

Using Jesus’ definition, adultery is not limited to a sexual affair with another person but encompasses infidelity that takes place through the eyes, in the mind, and in the heart.  This would include looking at sexual images or other people in a lustful way, admiring someone other than your spouse in a romantic way, or doing anything to foster an intimate relationship, whether physically or emotionally, with someone other than your spouse.

This definition may seem extreme to some people.  We’ve all heard jokes made about pornography that make light of it and jokes about couples harboring crushes on celebrities.  Some guys will openly admire the way another woman looks… in front of their wives.  I’ve also heard of wives who send their husbands off to bachelor parties with, “Remember, you can look but don’t touch!”  And I know some couples think it’s perfectly fine for the husband to have female friends and for the wife to have male friends to interact with separately from their spouse.

But for those people who think those kinds of things are okay, I would have to ask, “Does it honor your spouse to do that?  Does it show them respect and loyalty?  Does it make them feel treasured?  Does it show reverence for your marriage?”

In 1 Thessalonians, it says, “Abstain from all appearance of evil” (5:22).  This is a good principle to follow when it comes to our marriages and interactions with members of the opposite sex.  Rather than debating about that line we shouldn’t cross, why not make it the goal to honor our spouses in everything?  In other words, cut out anything in our lives that doesn’t show our spouses complete respect, faithfulness, and the highest favor.  This not only blesses our spouses and our marriages, but it is a major safeguard against divorce.

The fact is just like everything else, adultery has a beginning.  Affairs don’t just happen.  They start with something – a look, a compliment, a flirtatious laugh, a private conversation about personal matters, an emotional connection, a hand on the arm, a hug that lasts a little too long.  A spouse might argue that they like having friends of the opposite sex and that those friendships are completely innocuous.  Well, they are until they aren’t.

There are several places in the Book of Proverbs that talk about the dangers of adultery.  These particular verses give great advice:

“Drink water from your own cistern,

And running water from your own well.

Should your fountains be dispersed abroad,
Streams of water in the streets?
Let them be only your own,
And not for strangers with you.

Let your fountain be blessed,

And rejoice with the wife of your youth.” (Proverbs 5:15-18)

Using the imagery of water, this passage is instructing to invest in your own marriage and receive refreshment and satisfaction from your own spouse, not from another.

Early on in our relationship, Ethan and I agreed that it wasn’t appropriate for either of us to spend one-on-one time with members of the opposite sex.  Of course we could still have friends of the opposite sex, but any interaction or communication with them was with both of us present or with others around.  Besides, what could we get from other friendships that we weren’t already getting from each other?  Ethan and I are best friends; I don’t have any use for other guy friends, and Ethan has no need for additional female friends in his life.  My argument is that when you make your spouse your Favorite, there is no need for any other.

Additionally, if we’re watching TV or a movie where there are sexualized images, Ethan and I close our eyes or turn our heads away.  Unfortunately, these days we even have to do that with some commercials.  In the Book of Psalms, King David declares, “I will set nothing wicked before my eyes” (101:3a).  Another translation reads, “I will refuse to look at anything vile and vulgar” (NLT).  Furthermore, Jesus taught, “‘The lamp of the body is the eye.  If therefore your eye is good, your whole body will be full of light.  But if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness.  If therefore the light that is in you is darkness, how great is that darkness!’” (Matthew 6:22-23).

Because men are more visual than women, it is especially important for men to protect what they let their eyes see.  For any guys reading this, I can tell you from personal experience that you will honor your wife so much and make her feel so treasured when she sees you taking purposeful measures to avoid looking at inappropriate images of other women as well as women in real life who are dressed in revealing clothes.  It will convey to your wife that she is the only woman you care about and desire, and it will make her feel so loved.

Continue on to Avoiding the D-word, Part IV, or re-read Part I or Part II.