What to Do with Those Moments (of Not Measuring up)

By Taisa Efseaff Maffey

We all have those moments.  At least I like to tell myself that we all have those moments.  Those moments when we stop and look at ourselves in the mirror and ask, “How did I get here?  Who have I become?  Is this really what my life looks like?  Is this really what I look like?”

Those moments aren’t necessarily negative.  It’s absolutely normal for our lives to turn out differently than we originally planned.  Certain realities come into play as we grow older.  Our priorities change; our interests change; we change.  Then again, sometimes those moments can be negative.  We can all identify those moments fairly easily because they’re typically shadowed in a mixture of pain, regret, frustration, and shame.

I distinctly remember having one of those moments.  I was 26 and had just moved back in with my parents after dropping out of grad school.  Before I had initially moved away, I remember feeling so settled and sure about where my life was heading.  I had my bachelor’s degree in hand, and I was moving to the grand city of Boston on the important east coast to go into the intellectually noble field of publishing.  I was moving just for grad school, but secretly I assumed I would end up getting a fabulous job in Boston and stay there for good.  I was so sure, I took all of the clothes and shoes I owned with me; I didn’t leave anything behind at my parents’ house “just in case things didn’t work out.”

And then… things didn’t work out.  I had a complete change of heart about grad school after attending the orientation and first week of classes for my precious publishing program, where all anyone could talk about was how the conventional publishing industry is dying, how electronic publishing is taking over, and how publishing jobs are scarcer than ever.  Suddenly, the realization hit that I would be digging myself deeper into my already existing hole of student debt only to end up with a master’s degree I couldn’t use to pay off that debt.

I remained in Boston for the next few months, trying to find work but only managed to get a few temp jobs here and there.  Still, I was determined to stay and make it work.  I was certain I was meant to be in Boston for a reason.  Maybe it was just a matter of time until I fell into an amazing job opportunity, which would lead to other great things for me on the important east coast.  I remained hopeful.  That is, until I started waking up with bed bug bites on my back and arms.  As odd as it sounds, the tiny bed bug is ultimately what brought my fantastic plans for the future crashing down.

For those who don’t know, bed bugs are not just some silly, imagined thing from a nursery rhyme: “Good night, sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!”  Bed bugs are real.  They are basically small parasites.  They are more common in crowded cities, and they hide instinctively and very easily.  Once inside a residence, they often hide in, under, or around mattresses, where they can conveniently rely on a host every night for feeding.  They typically come out and suck their host’s blood while their host is sleeping.  Often the only evidence of their presence is the resulting itchy bite marks the host finds in the morning.  In my case, the bite marks swelled into large, itchy welts.

Anyway, I had already planned on coming home to Oregon for Christmas, but then I followed that through to the point of returning to my current life in Boston.  What would I be returning to?  No master’s program, no real job, and at least one bed bug waiting up for me every night.  At that point, I broke.  My whole life, I’d been encouraged by teachers and movies and TV specials to dream big and follow my dreams.  And here I had enthusiastically obeyed and bravely flown off with my dreams like they were a great wad of giant helium balloons.  Only for those dreams to burst in a machine gunfire of pops.  At that point, all I wanted was to come home for good.

So I did.  But because I didn’t know how many bed bugs there were in my apartment or if any could possibly be taking refuge among my clothes and shoes, I returned home with only the clothes on my back and a small selection of carefully examined books and possessions in a brand new bag I had stashed in my neighbor’s apartment.  Once my mom met me at the airport, I went straight into the airport bathroom to change into the fresh clothes she had brought me, and then I threw away the clothes I had worn on the plane, just to be safe.

(To those of you who find my actions overly dramatic and even neurotic, I can only suggest that you talk to someone who has dealt with bed bugs or other types of infestations, including black mold.  There’s no such thing as being too careful.  They are not only extraordinarily difficult and stressful problems to get rid of, but I can tell you the psychological impact on the people involved is real and can even be traumatic.)

So I moved back in with my parents at age 26, and I basically had nothing.  I no longer had my master plan for at least the next two years of my life.  I didn’t have a back-up plan either, so I had no idea what to do next.  I didn’t even have my own clothes or shoes anymore, so I had virtually nothing to wear.  All I had were nightmares where bed bugs were crawling all over me and I couldn’t move to get away.  And I remember looking at myself in the mirror and thinking, “This is what 26 looks like?  I should be on my way to getting an advanced degree and then an important job in an amazing city.  I should be getting my life together by now.”

We all have our “should”s.  I should have my degree by now.  I should be married by now.  I should have [X-number of] kids by now.  I should be further along in my career by now.  I should own my own house by now.  I should have lost the extra weight by now.  I should have finished that project by now.  I should be better at this or that by now.  I should be out of debt by now.  I should have saved a certain amount of money by now.  I should have achieved certain life goals by now.

These thoughts can plague us anytime, but I think they tend to come up more often around two times of the year: 1) our birthdays, which are a natural time for self-reflection, and 2) the holidays, when yet another year is coming to an end and we wonder what we have to show for the past 12 months.  Well, I just had my birthday in November, and here we are in December, and New Year’s Day will be here before we know it.  And I definitely still have my own list of “should”s, but I’m learning (slowly) to not let them get to me anymore.  Because as I pray to see myself the way that God sees me, I realize the “should”s we typically agonize over and punish ourselves with are simply not true.

Do you know what God actually expects of you and me?  Micah 6:8 says,

“He has shown you, O man, what is good;

And what does the Lord require of you

But to do justly,

To love mercy,

And to walk humbly with your God?”

That’s it.  I love this verse because it simplifies our lives so beautifully (if we let it):

1. Do justly.  In other words, do what’s right.  Live obediently to God, according to His instructions in the Bible.
2. Love mercy.  God’s mercy is what keeps us from getting the punishment that we deserve for our sins.  To put it bluntly, without God’s mercy, we are doomed.  The correct response to God’s mercy – His forgiveness – is to receive it, embrace it, love it, abide in it, and allow your gratitude for it to transform you into who He created you to be, casting off the sins that He died for.
3. Walk humbly with your God.  Stick close to Him, acknowledging that He is the one in charge, not you.  Purpose in your heart to do His will, not your own, understanding that He knows best and His ways are best.

That’s a pretty short list, isn’t it?  These three simple requirements God has for us and our lives convince me that the “should”s we typically hold ourselves up against are not from Him.  This isn’t to say that God doesn’t put certain ideas, plans, or goals on our hearts or in our minds, but God-given desires are very different from the “should”s, and you don’t want to mix up the two.  Here’s how you can identify the “should”s in your head so you know what to tune out:

First of all, the “should”s condemn us.  The “should”s always insist that we are not measuring up, not doing enough, not good enough.  They make us feel defeated and just plain bad.  But that condemnation is not from God:

“There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.” (Romans 8:1)

“For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.” (John 3:17)

Once you have accepted that Jesus Christ died for your sins, and you are earnestly trying to live your life in obedience to Him, there is no condemnation against you.  Not for your ugliest sin, and not for failing to live up to whatever measuring stick you are using to evaluate your worth and your life.  Instead, Jesus says to us,

“Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)

When I find myself revisiting my “should”s, I feel not only condemned but burdened by the weight of all my inadequacies.  But Jesus assures us that He is gentle and meek, and He actually invites us to come to Him for rest from our laboring, our striving, and the heavy loads we carry in our spirits.  What He gives us in exchange is easy and light.

At this point, I think it’s important to clarify the difference between condemnation and conviction.  My pastor once explained the difference by saying that condemnation causes us to pull away from God while conviction causes us to move closer to God.  When we feel condemned, we tend to hide from God (and even other people) and wallow in our guilt and shame.  Again, this is not of God.  Conviction, on the other hand, is good and necessary to keep us spiritually healthy and growing closer to who God has called us to be.  Conviction of what, you might ask?  In a word, sin.  In another word, disobedience.

“Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” (Hebrews 12:11)

“All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work.” (2 Timothy 3:16-17)

Like condemnation, conviction doesn’t feel good; unlike condemnation, conviction is actually good for us.  Condemnation sends us into darkness; conviction should lead us back into the light.  In order to feel better when we feel condemned, we need to remind ourselves of these Biblical truths and squash those “should”s.  In order to feel better when we feel convicted, we need to repent of our sin – ask God for forgiveness and change direction, purposing in our hearts to live in obedience to Him.  In either case, the answer is always turning back to God, turning back to Truth.

The other way to identify the “should”s is to hold them up against the Bible.  When I think about the “should”s I listed above, they all have one thing in common: they all center on selfish ambition.  Each of those “should”s carries with it the expectation and desire to be further ahead or better off in some way.  No, it’s not a bad thing to want to improve ourselves or have goals in life, but it is bad if we allow the world’s definitions of success to take over our desires and become more important to us than pleasing God.  And it is bad if we’re unwilling to let go of our sense of entitlement and our plans and accept that God might want something different for us.

“And be not conformed to this world: but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.” (Romans 12:2)

It’s also worth noting that the Bible warns against allowing worldly desires and selfish ambitions to take root in our lives:

“For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life—is not from the Father but is from the world.  And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever.” (1 John 2:16-17)

“Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.” (Philippians 2:3)

Have you ever noticed that your “should”s start tapping you on the shoulder whenever you compare yourself to other people?  It’s so tempting to look at other people your age or gender or who are in your line of work to see how you measure up, but it is such a dangerous trap.  Not only does it bring up those feelings of condemnation again, but comparing also quickly leads to coveting.  You start out by comparing your situation to theirs and then find yourself wishing you could be in their position and have their opportunities, talents, looks, relationships, accomplishments, money, or material possessions.  In turn, coveting incites selfish ambition, in the form of desires and plans to catch up to or surpass your peers.  Truly, nothing good comes from comparing yourself with others, as coveting and selfish ambition are all too often the result, and both are called out as sin in the Bible.  It’s a slippery slope.

“For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there.” (James 3:16)

When I was making plans for grad school and dreaming about all the possibilities that surely awaited me, I have to admit it was with selfish ambition.  I liked having plans that sounded impressive.  My ego wanted to feed off another two years of doing well in an academic program.  I wanted to end up in a career that made me feel important.  Thankfully, God knew this would not be the best life for me.  He wanted to give me something better, even when I didn’t know something better existed.

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts,

Nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord.

“For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

So are My ways higher than your ways,

And My thoughts than your thoughts.” (Isaiah 55:8-9)

I’m going to say something crazy here.  Is there a desire or goal you’ve had for a long time that remains unfulfilled?  Dare I suggest that God is not fulfilling that desire or allowing you to achieve that goal because He wants you to put Him first and submit to His will?  Check yourself.  Are you willing to be like Jesus and pray, “Nevertheless not My will, but Yours, be done” (Luke 22:42)?  Are you willing to sacrifice your greatest desires to the Lord and trust Him to give you the very best in His time and His way?

God wants our full hearts.  He wants our first desire to be for Him.  He wants us to submit ourselves to Him and trust Him.  And He wants to give us good things.  So don’t be surprised (and don’t resist) when God uses your desires to draw you closer to Him and, quite possibly, to teach you to desire something better.

“Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:6-7)

As for all those “should”s, ask God to help you see yourself as He sees you.  I’m still working on this myself.  Start calling out those voices of condemnation in your head for what they are: LIES.  Seek God’s will for you.  Ask Him to give you the right desires; to want what He wants for you.  Ask Him to show you the way He wants you to go; to do what He wants you to do.  Only then will you find true fulfillment and peace.  And by all means remind yourself of Micah 6:8:

“He has shown you, O man [or O woman], what is good;

And what does the Lord require of you

But to do justly,

To love mercy,

And to walk humbly with your God?”

That is all.