Why I Decided to Become a Housewife

By Taisa Efseaff Maffey

Recently, I’ve been asked on more than one occasion, “So what do you do?”  I must admit I wasn’t quite sure how to answer.  Since I’m no longer working outside the home, do I answer that I’m a stay-at-home wife?  A homemaker?  A housewife?  I immediately threw out “homemaker” because it evoked laughable images of me hanging up floral curtains and valances fresh off the sewing table.  “Housewife” similarly made me think of a lady in the 1950s with short, curled hair and red lipstick, showing off her tiny waist in a full skirted dress and apron.  Dissatisfied with labels that carry inaccurate connotations, I continued to wonder about how I should have answered that question.

It was several years ago now, but I still remember how shocked and offended I was as a single 20-something girl when I learned that the woman leading women’s ministry at my church was encouraging married women to quit their jobs and stay home if they were able, even if they didn’t have children.  I understood and appreciated the concept of the stay-at-home mom, but this was a stretch for me.

“So what are they supposed to do?” I asked my friend that had informed me of this outrageous news.

“Well, she encourages them to focus on taking care of their home life, planning and cooking meals, cleaning the house, running errands, all of that,” she explained.

I was stumped.  “But how long does all that actually take?” I asked doubtfully.  “What are they supposed to do with the rest of their time?  What about developing their professional skills and doing something meaningful in the world?”

My friend, who at the time was also single, shrugged her shoulders.  “I don’t know.  Personally, I couldn’t imagine not working.  I would go crazy and probably rearrange the furniture all the time.”

I simply couldn’t believe what I was hearing.  I knew women to be intelligent, highly skilled, multi-tasking, efficient beings.  My own mother worked full-time while I was growing up, raised four kids, chauffeured us to and from extra-curricular activities, helped my dad with his printing business, served actively in our church, volunteered her time with an elderly neighbor, co-produced a church publication for many years, and had dinner on the table every evening.  What’s more, a large majority of my teachers had been women, and I had been told over and over in school that women could do and be anything they wanted.  Clearly, this woman in charge of women’s ministry at my church was selling the female sex short if she thought they should stay home to cook and clean.

It wasn’t until I got married that I began to rethink my opinions about what it means to be a woman and what it looks like (or should look like) in practice.  My revelation came about something like this:

I was working full-time, and Ethan was working full-time.  Besides work life, there was home life, but home life still included work.  After getting off work, there would be groceries to buy, dinner to cook, a kitchen to clean, clothes to wash, and meals to plan for the rest of the week.  Of course, this is also after dealing with some of those other things that come up in your personal life that you have to somehow fit in during the workday: dry cleaning to drop off and pick up, packages to drop off for mailing, cars to take in for fixing or maintenance, doctor/dentist/chiropractor appointments, bills to pay, computer problems to fix, unexpected issues with bank accounts and credit cards and health insurance that require phone calls and waiting on hold to sort out.  And then there are those really fun days where you end up having to work late.  It’s amazing how many wrenches are thrown into the works of everyday life.

At this point, I can imagine two reactions to what I’m describing: 1) “Well, there are two of you to share the workload in your personal life, aren’t there?” and 2) “Yeah, that’s life!  All of us have to deal with that stuff, too.  And some of us also have kids!”

In response to the first reaction, I would agree that when there are two people working full-time, in theory the same two people should each be responsible for half the chores, tasks, and errands required in their personal life together.  But practically speaking, this doesn’t work.  A study released last year by the Bureau of Labor Statistics revealed that women still tend to do most of the housework: “On an average day, 19 percent of men did housework–such as cleaning or doing laundry–compared with 49 percent of women. 42 percent of men did food preparation or cleanup, compared with 68 percent of women.”  Is this because men are lazier, careless, or unhelpful?  I can’t say that about any of the men in my life.

I believe that by nature women have a general nesting instinct and can’t help but take the initiative in caring for the home and the needs of her family.  I believe this to be an innate female characteristic that is difficult, if not impossible, for most women to ignore.  I say this based on observation, personal experience, and what I know to be true Biblically.  So what ends up happening is the woman suffers from an incurable urge to take care of all the things that need to be done in her and her husband’s personal life.  And so when she comes home from work, her second job begins.  Even the best husband in the world can’t keep up with her when it comes to her responding to this instinct.  I know because I’m married to him.

In response to the second reaction, I would argue that a life where a woman wears herself out by working double-duty simply doesn’t make sense.  In other words, it can be too much for a woman to work a full-time job outside the home as well as work a full-time job inside the home.  When I was working double-duty, I was constantly stressed out.  Granted, I was working in a stressful environment for demanding people (also known as lawyers), but it was more than that.  I felt like I couldn’t keep up with both worlds.  And I felt horrible that at the end of the day, Ethan got this anxious, irritable, gloomy version of myself that even I didn’t want to be around.

I distinctly remember listening to a sermon that changed the way I thought about working women.  The pastor brought up the specific issue of working moms and then referenced the curses that man and woman received after The Fall.  After Adam and Eve sinned in the Garden of Eden, the man would have to continuously work hard for food and provisions while the woman would suffer in bringing forth children (Genesis 3:16-19).  The question the pastor posed next blew my mind: “Why would a woman ever want to take on both curses?”

At this point, I can imagine a couple more reactions to what’s being said here: “What about a woman’s dreams of having a career in addition to being married and having kids?”  In other words, why shouldn’t a woman be able to be a wife and mother and have her dream job?”  Gosh, if you know a woman who takes great care of her family and home life, has a great marriage, works at a job she loves, and doesn’t feel stretched too thin, I would love to meet her and see what that looks like.  My point is that a woman can be a working wife or mom, but can she do it without sacrificing something?  Can she do it without feeling like she’s carrying an extra burden on her shoulders?  I don’t believe so, and I don’t believe God intended for this to be the case.

Another possible reaction is, “What about the woman who has to work out of necessity to support the family income?”  I would agree that this is a common issue in today’s world.  I definitely wasn’t working during the first year and a half of our marriage because I enjoyed it; it was a paycheck.  And having ObamaCare forced on us certainly made it harder for me to quit my job or take on a part-time job without benefits.  But even still, when I think about it, we could have managed financially even if I had stopped working back then.  It would have been tight, and we wouldn’t have been able to spend money on extras like eating out, clothes shopping, new furniture, trips, or to put much money into savings, but we could have managed on one income by making some sacrifices.  We ended up choosing not to make those material sacrifices, but it was in fact a choice.

My point here is we are always sacrificing something.  I grew tired of sacrificing myself and our personal life for a job.  I began praying for a way out of my job so I could focus on my job as a wife.  God ended up answering that prayer (and several others) by providing Ethan with a better job in Seattle.  Accepting the job meant sacrificing our life in beautiful Bend, but we knew that the sacrifice would be worth it, and it has been.

Since I stopped working outside the home, I am no longer stressed out and rushing around all the time.  When Ethan comes home from work, we can both enjoy eating dinner and spending time together.  Weekends are more enjoyable because we don’t have to spend them doing chores, running errands, or grocery shopping.  We spend less money on eating out and we eat healthier because I cook our meals and make Ethan lunches to take to work.  We don’t argue about who should be doing which chores.  We don’t argue about something not being done because each of us thought the other would handle it.  For us, life works better this way.

So how have my opinions about womanhood changed?  First of all, my teachers were wrong.  Women can’t do or be anything they want.  Women want to have it all – healthy marriage, great kids, rewarding career, and overall happiness – and they feel like they should be able to do everything it takes to obtain and sustain these things, but this is a ludicrously impossible expectation.  All you have to do is look at the prevalence of divorce in this country, of kids with behavioral problems in our schools, of teenagers who are sexually active and/or experimenting with alcohol and drugs.  I believe a major contributor to these sad statistics is women who are overextending themselves with work and don’t have the time or energy to apply themselves to maintaining their marriages and families.

What it comes down to is priorities, which change over time.  My priority as a single girl was to get my degree and then get a job that made me feel important.  If I could tell the teenage and 20-something versions of myself anything, it would be that my worth as a woman does not depend on having a good job or career.  Today, my priorities are to be a good wife, have a happy home life, and pursue the kind of work that God puts on my heart to do, and I now see way more worth in that.

I’ll admit my priorities today aren’t sexy.  I think it would sound a lot cooler if I could say I was a hot-shot attorney, an editor for a publishing company or magazine, or a businesswoman who traveled all over the world.  But the reality is that the women who are doing those things are sacrificing other things, arguably more important than having an impressive career or contributing to the family income.

So what should I answer in response to the question, “So what do you do?”  I guess it doesn’t matter if you call me a stay-at-home wife, a homemaker, or a housewife.  I’m just thankful I can now call myself happy.

Don't Despise the Day of Small Things

By Taisa Efseaff Maffey

I’ve come to realize that when I write a blog post, I’m writing just as much to myself as to my readers (real and/or imagined).  In general, I’ve always had a tendency to search out meaning or some kind of lesson from whatever I’m going through, usually through a Biblical lens, so as to glean whatever God may be trying to teach me or show me.  But for the past few weeks, I’ve struggled to find meaning in my feelings of… not enough-ness.

For those of you who have read my previous posts, you know that I made a New Year’s resolution to lose weight.  But most frustratingly, I have barely lost any additional weight since the first week of the new year when I committed myself to this resolution.

It’s hard not to feel discouraged about this.  And for the past three weeks, I haven’t been able to come up with anything to say about it.  I have been working out faithfully at least three times every week, I have been juicing and cutting out sugar, I have been drinking more water, and I have been getting good sleep most nights.  All of this is to say that, except for a minor cheat here and there, I’ve been doing what I’m supposed to do.

That said, I have been feeling myself getting stronger, I’ve increased the speed and duration of my running, I’ve significantly reduced my lower back pain problems, and I’ve even noticed a couple pairs of pants fitting more loosely than before.  So, while it’s clear to me I have made improvements with my body, I just can’t seem to quantify it.  And yes, that bothers me.

I realized it also bothers me that I can’t seem to quantify very well what I’m doing these days either.  When I was working full-time as a legal assistant, every day was a deluge of Very Important Tasks that had to be completed, and as a rule I kept a detailed record of the Very Important Tasks I worked on each day.  Sometimes, when I felt overwhelmed by the amount of work I still had to do, I would look at my list to remind myself of all the Very Important Tasks that I had already accomplished.

But when you work at home, it doesn’t really feel like you have Very Important Tasks to do, and the Very Regular Tasks don’t seem to bring the same level of satisfaction at their completion, not to mention a paycheck that provides a monetary reward — a numerical score, if you will — for your efforts.  And when you work from home, it’s often the case that one Very Regular Task leads into and sort of bleeds into another Very Regular Task and another, until a few hours pass and you wonder where the time went.  Then, when you arrive at the end of the workday and your husband asks you how your day was and what you did, you’re left going, “Um, I’m not sure exactly.  I know laundry was involved… I remember washing and putting away a lot of dishes… I’m sure I ate lunch at some point... And then I made dinner?”

Even if you could remember all the Very Regular Tasks you completed, they wouldn’t seem worth mentioning.  Like it wouldn’t seem worth mentioning that you went through all the unopened mail that had collected and then cleared off the “catch-all” counter; that you called the bank and waited on hold to have them remove that bogus service fee; that you finally got out that mystery stain from the living room rug; that you looked up new recipes to make for dinners that week; that you downloaded a new app on your phone to create and organize your shopping lists; that you went grocery shopping at three different stores in order to get the best deals on the best products; that you stopped and organized the linen closet while you were putting away clean laundry; that you bleached and washed the mildew-laced shower curtain liner; that you finally unscrewed the drain catch in the tub and fished out what turned out to be a very large clot of hair that had been keeping the tub from draining properly.  All of these Very Regular Tasks are beneficial and even necessary, but they just don’t seem to give the same egotistical boost as, say, “convinced insurance claim adjuster to pay out for client’s totaled car from motor vehicle accident” or “tracked down elusive adverse party in lawsuit and arranged to have them served with the appropriate documents.”

Like I said, I’ve spent the past three weeks struggling to find some kind of lesson in these feelings of, for lack of a real word, not enough-ness.  Not enough results in weight loss, not enough Very Important Tasks to attend to, not enough accomplishments to rest my head on at night.  And what kept coming to mind was a phrase I’d read once in a Jon Courson devotional… “Don’t despise the day of small things” (Zechariah 4:10).  My MacArthur Study Bible gives the verse this paraphrase in the subtext: “Don’t despise what God is pleased with,” however small and insignificant it is in our own estimation.  Well, when I stopped to think about it, I couldn’t help coming up with examples in the Bible of “small things” that God cares about and is pleased with:

God is pleased with His creation, however small and seemingly unprofitable, as Jesus teaches:

“Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not of more value than they?” (Matthew 6:26)

In my interpretation of this verse, I read, “Birds are completely unproductive!  They don't have any part in growing, gathering, or storing the food that sustains them, and yet God provides it for them because they have value to Him.”  Again, Jesus speaks of caring about birds:

“Are not five sparrows sold for two copper coins?  And not one of them is forgotten before God. […] Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.” (Luke 12:6-7)

God is pleased with small people:

“Then little children were brought to Him that He might put His hands on them and pray, but the disciples rebuked them. But Jesus said, ‘Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of heaven.’” (Matthew 19:13-14)

God is pleased with small kindnesses, as Jesus tells the disciples:

“And whoever gives one of these little ones only a cup of cold water in the name of a disciple, assuredly, I say to you, he shall by no means lose his reward.” (Matthew 10:42)

God is pleased with small gifts, given in earnest sacrifice:

“And [Jesus] looked up and saw the rich putting their gifts into the treasury.  And He saw a poor widow putting in two small copper coins.  And He said, ‘Truly I say to you, this poor widow put in more than all of them; for they all out of their surplus put into the offering; but she out of her poverty put in all that she had to live on.’” (Luke 21:1-4)

God is pleased with even a small amount faith, as Jesus tells the disciples,

“Assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you.” (Matthew 17:20)

God is pleased with a person’s faithfulness, even with small tasks: In the parable of the talents, Jesus describes a man who gives three of his servants each the responsibility of managing a measure of his money while he is traveling away from home.  While he is gone, two of the servants trade/invest the money he gave them and end up with double the amount they started with.  When the man returns and the two profitable servants show him the result of their management of his money, he responds,

“Well done, good and faithful servant; you were faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over many things. Enter into the joy of your lord.” (Matthew 25:14-23)

God is pleased with small egos:

“And [Jesus] began speaking a parable to the invited guests when He noticed how they had been picking out the places of honor at the table, saying to them, ‘When you are invited by someone to a wedding feast, do not take the place of honor, for someone more distinguished than you may have been invited by him, and he who invited you both will come and say to you, ‘Give your place to this man,’ and then in disgrace you proceed to occupy the last place. But when you are invited, go and recline at the last place, so that when the one who has invited you comes, he may say to you, ‘Friend, move up higher’; then you will have honor in the sight of all who are at the table with you. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.’” (Luke 14:7-11)

It’s interesting to look at this passage in light of modern day psychology and ideology.  Aren't we supposed to have high self-esteem and a strong sense of self-worth?  Jesus doesn't seem to think so.  Apostle Paul confirms this in Philippians 2:3:

“Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.”

I could go on, but I think the point is clear: God is pleased with small things that we normally might think inconsequential or unprofitable.  There is, however, one condition.  Hebrews 11:6 states,

“But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.”

Thankfully, you don’t need faith even as big as a mustard seed to believe in God as creator, father, savior, and friend.  How do I know?  I personally believe that He is all those things, but I have yet to meet a mountain that will obey me when I tell it to move.

Moreover, if you ever struggle with feelings of “not enough-ness,” remind yourself of what the Bible teaches:

“And now, [...] what does the Lord your God require of you, but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in all His ways and to love Him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to keep the commandments of the Lord and His statutes which I command you today for your good?” (Deuteronomy 10:12-13)

In other words, it really doesn’t take much to please God.  As long as we believe in Him as our God and Savior, love Him, obey Him, love others, and we are doing our best with the work that He has given us to do, then God is pleased with us.  I don’t know about you, but to me that’s everything.  How can I feel bad about myself when I realize the God of The Universe is pleased with me?

Right now, God has given me the work of taking care of my husband and home, managing our personal life and all that it entails, and sharing His Word through writing.  What is the work He has given you to do?  Maybe you feel like you have too much work to do.  If that’s the case, consider what is most important to Him and focus your time and energy there.  But whatever you do, don’t despise the day of small things (Zechariah 4:10).  Don’t despise what God is pleased with, however small and insignificant it is in your estimation, or even society’s estimation.

“And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; for you serve the Lord Christ.” (Colossians 3:23-34)

Reflections upon Turning 30

I recently read an article that was being shared on Facebook called “What You Learn in Your 40s.”  Having just turned 30, it made me think about the decade I just finished.  Mostly, it made me want to evaluate what exactly it was that I learned in my 20s, if for no other reason than to prove to myself that they served a purpose.

We all had our own ideas of what adulthood would be like when we were kids.  When I was a kid, hitting my 20s was pretty much always the goal.  I was convinced that was when things got completely fabulous.  I’d attend an important college somewhere and live in the dorms just like Felicity; I’d be able to drive, wear high heels and lipstick, and stay out late; I’d go to concerts and parties all the time and drink fancy cocktails (note: fancy = umbrella and maraschino cherry); later, I’d have my own apartment and an important job in an office somewhere, whereat I would wear my high heels and lipstick.  The 20s was where it was at.

School
Eventually – inevitably – came the reality check: When I actually entered my 20s, I did not start wearing high heels and lipstick, much less begin carrying on some super-duper, exciting life.  I didn’t even go away to college and live in the dorms.   Instead, I continued wearing my usual flip flops and chapstick while I lived at home with my parents to save money and worked on finishing my associate’s degree at a community college I hated attending (also to save money).  I didn’t go to many concerts or parties but instead suffered through 20-credit terms so I could graduate early and move on to the next thing.

Service
The next thing turned out to be a Christian service project in rural Baja California, Mexico.  For four months, I lived at an orphanage for children with developmental disabilities.  With 15 Christian guys and girls around my age, I worked with the kids, studied the Bible, and prayed about the future.  No high heels and lipstick yet.  I did, however, get my glamorous dorm experience by living in a tiny cabin with seven other girls.  (Some things sound so much more fun in your head…)

Unemployment/Work
When I finished my stint in Mexico, I was no longer sure about where I wanted to go to finish my bachelor’s degree or even what I wanted my major to be.  Having no money, I returned to living with my parents and applied for dozens of jobs.  It took a while, but I finally got a full-time job working 32 hours per week as an educational assistant and a part-time job working retail.  Many weeks I worked upwards of 50 hours; some weeks I worked as much as 60.  Still not many nights out on the town, but I saved everything I earned for my return to school.

School
Upon returning to school, after an almost three-year absence, I was ready.  But I couldn’t help feeling a bit humbled.  Many of my peers had just graduated with their degrees and here I was having to take 100-level prerequisites for my newly declared English major.  I hated feeling like I was behind.  My 22 year old self also didn’t care for taking classes with 18 year olds, fresh out of high school.  Had I made a huge mistake that kept me from being where I was supposed to be?  But going back to school was the best thing for me, and it happened at the right time.  I regained a confidence in myself that I hadn’t felt since high school.  School was a home I used to know and love well, and it welcomed me back like a long lost sister.

Detour
Prior to my final year before graduation, I took my professors’ advice and researched graduate school programs.  Academia is a funny world, and if you’re not careful, it sucks you up into its intrinsic self-importance.  (How could I possibly get on in life without my master’s and eventually Ph. D. in some noble facet of literary arts?  I might as well throw my brain away because I would hardly have use for it outside of higher education.)  I chose a grad school in Boston and moved there.  I attended orientation and my first week of classes.  And then I had an epiphany.  I already had student loans to pay back from undergrad.  If I continued, I would have a lot more student loans to pay back for grad school.  And when all was said and done, neither school nor degree could guarantee me a job that would enable me to pay back the student loans in a reasonable amount of time.  When I thought about it, I realized I was taking a serious gamble.  The following Monday (you know, after the epiphany), I went down to my school’s administration building and withdrew.

Unemployment/Work
I ended up returning home to Oregon, age 26 by this time and once again overwhelmed with uncertainty.  Wasn’t I supposed to be settled in that important office job by now?  I applied for many jobs but didn’t get a single response.  Frustrated and ready for something new, I moved to Central California to live near extended family.  I found a job, I was enjoying my family and new surroundings… and then I started getting to know Ethan long-distance.  It didn’t take long before I moved back to Oregon so we could continue our relationship in person.

Unemployment/Work
Back in Oregon, I was thrilled by the new relationship, but yet again, I found myself unemployed and unable to get a job.  I sent out résumé after résumé and didn’t get as much as a single response.  Eventually, I temped-to-hire as the receptionist at a law firm in town.  I told myself that it was temporary, that I didn’t get my degree so I could be a receptionist, but without any other options before me, I remained in that position for an entire year.  At that point, I was promoted to legal assistant.  I had just turned 29.

Here’s what I now find interesting and a little funny in hindsight:

1) When I started at the law firm, I did dress up in nice business attire and wear heels.  And what do you know?  The heels brought on back problems!  Once I figured out the source of my pain, I stopped wearing them.  Gradually, I also stopped dressing up so nice.  Ultimately, when it came down to looking all put together or sleeping in a little extra in the morning, my vanity shamelessly took a backseat.

2) I never did start wearing lipstick.  Whenever I tried putting it on, I was put off by my fake, “painted” appearance.  I also couldn’t stand feeling self-conscious about licking my lips, accidentally smearing it, or having to reapply it.

3) When I became a legal assistant, I finally had my “important office job.”  But it was also the most stressful and frustrating job I’d ever had, and it made me miserable.

4) For all my childhood fantasies of staying out late, going to concerts and parties, it turns out Taisa the Adult loves nothing more than to watch Dateline mysteries on the couch with her husband, try out new recipes, or curl up with a good book in a quiet house.  Come to find out, Taisa the Adult is an introvert and a homebody.

My big realization in all of this is I didn’t “arrive” in my 20s (by my childhood estimation) until I was 29.  And even then, everything I had thought would make my life fabulous instead turned out to be the very things I didn’t want for myself.  If the 20s are meant to be a time of floundering along as you try to find your way, as mine were, then maybe the 30s are meant to be… Well, I guess we’ll see.  In any case, here it is – here’s what I learned in my 20s:

1. It’s okay not to know what to do.  If you believe that God has a plan for you, then rest in that knowledge and wait until He shows you the next step to take.  In the meantime, just keep doing the best you know how to do with what’s in front of you right now.
2. You can’t compare what you’re doing with what other people are doing.  Everyone is on their own path (as hokey as that sounds).  Make the right decisions for you based on where you are at in your life.  Prayerfully walk through the doors God seems to be opening for you.  Don’t keep beating on the doors He doesn’t.
3. Life isn’t any better over there.  They have the same thing over there that they have here.
4. Your teachers and high school counselor were lying to you.  A college degree doesn’t ensure that you’ll get a good job when you grow up, or even a job at all.  Oftentimes, it has much more to do with who you know or the experience you manage to pick up along the way.
5. Don’t ever try to force something to happen, work, or fit.  If it’s not right, then it’s not right.  Open your mind to other possibilities.  It might mean waiting for the right thing to come along at the right time or even accepting “no” for an answer.
6. Don’t feel bad or dumb if you don’t know something, and don’t try to fake it.  Find someone who does know and ask them.  Learning is empowering.
7. To-do lists have the power to save your sanity.  If you’re feeling overwhelmed, make a to-do list, writing down absolutely everything that is on your mind to do or remember, no matter how small.  Complete a couple of the easiest tasks first to cross off the list and give yourself the satisfying taste of accomplishment.  Then tackle the biggest, hairiest thing that gives you a knot in your stomach whenever you think about it.  You will grow calmer and more confident with every accomplished task.
8. Here’s one I learned from my mom: If you’ve got “the blahs,” it helps lift your spirit to “freshen up”: Brush your teeth, take a shower, shave your legs, clip your fingernails, paint your toe nails.  Small improvements inspire bigger improvements.
9. Don’t get rid of any clothes because you’ve gained or lost weight or because it’s not in style anymore but instead store them in large Rubbermaid containers.  You will be glad you saved them later.
10. Don’t wear make-up on a regular basis.  Then when you do, people will make it a point to tell you how great you look.

My Happiness Project

I’ve been feeling very introspective lately.  I guess there are a few reasons for this.  I just turned 30 last month, so I think I’m naturally inclined to examine my life at a milepost like this and evaluate where I am in relation to where I want to be.  Also, I quit my job almost two months ago, which automatically created a clearer distinction between who I am and what I do.  Lastly, I recently had a friend recommend a book to me that turned out to be a perfect guide through what I’d like to call my 1/3-of-the-way life crisis.  (I’m being dramatic.  I’m actually very happy and nowhere near a crisis.  Moreover, I have no intention of living to 90.)  The book is called The Happiness Project, by Gretchen Rubin, and I very much recommend it – especially if you’re interested in improving your overall well-being and you’re ready to make some changes in your life.

The book is not written by a self-help guru but a 30-something lawyer-turned-writer who decided she wanted to get more out of life by maximizing her happiness.  Rubin performed months of research, exploring happiness from many different approaches (e.g., philosophy, psychology, popular opinion, Oprah), and then she applied what she learned by examining her life and evaluating aspects of it that either contributed to or detracted from her happiness.  Based on this information, Rubin created resolutions in twelve different areas of her life (Energy, Marriage, Work, Parenthood, Leisure, Friendship, Money, Eternity, Passion, Mindfulness, Attitude, and overall Happiness).  For each area, she spent one month focusing on the resolutions she’d created to improve her happiness in that area so that, theoretically, she would have increased her comprehensive happiness in a year’s time.

I can’t imagine duplicating what Rubin came up with in terms of the length of her project, but her efforts have inspired me to become more proactive about my own happiness.  All too often, I am my own worst enemy, thwarting my happiness or directly causing my unhappiness.  [I find comfort in knowing Apostle Paul struggled with this very thing: “For I do not understand my own actions.  For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate” (Romans 7:15).]  For example, I know that I would feel happy if I lost weight.  I also know that baking and eating chewy peanut butter cookies will not help me lose weight.  And yet, when I get that sweet tooth in the evening, what do I end up doing?  The exact thing that will keep me from being ultimately happy.

By the way, this is one huge truth I have learned over the years but have to continually remind myself: Instant gratification is a liar.  It speaks to us, “Do this and you’ll feel good.”  We obey this voice and maybe we feel good initially, but it’s not the kind of feeling good that lasts.  It’s not happiness.  And in fact, more often than not, instant gratification not only doesn’t bring happiness; it brings unhappiness.  As the sweet peanut butter taste fades from my mouth, feelings of guilt take over.  I’m mad at myself for my own weakness and frustrated knowing that I just set myself further back from my goal.

The point is, I have the power to affect my happiness, whether for the good or the bad.  We have our current levels of happiness based on a number of factors, some of which we have little to no control over (genetics, “age, gender, ethnicity, marital status, income, health, occupation, and religious affiliation”) but there is room to increase our happiness if we work at it a bit (Rubin,Gretchen. The Happiness Project.  New York: HarperCollins, 2009, pg. 6).  I realize the irony of that last statement, but it’s true.  Anything worth having in life requires, at the very least, hard work and sacrifice.  Why should happiness be any different?  If my happiness is tied to my physical fitness, then I need to establish a pattern of denying myself those things that will reduce my fitness and doing the things that will increase it.  If my happiness is tied to my marriage, then I need to do my part to contribute to my relationship with my husband and not do or say things that will harm it.  If my happiness is tied to a certain passion or interest, then I need to work out a way to include it in my life, even if not in the ideal way that I desire.  These aspects of happiness are up to me and the work that I put in.

While Rubin was working to identify her resolutions for the year, she noticed a pattern of similarities in the types of resolutions she wanted to make, and she ended up distilling them into a list of principles she dubbed her “Twelve Commandments.”  On her blog, she encouraged her readers to create their own “Twelve Commandments” and share them with her.  I’m still working on defining my resolutions, but for now I created my own Twelve Commandments to get started.  I admit I stole a couple from the book and then came up with the rest on my own.  What would yours be?

My Twelve Commandments

1.      Be Taisa.

2.      “Be still, and know that I am God.”  (Psalm 46:10)

3.      Identify the problem.

4.      Wherever you are is a great place to start.

5.      Do the thing you’re avoiding; If you can’t get out of it, get into it; Do the next right thing.

6.      Make yourself uncomfortable: “If you don’t get uncomfortable, nothing is going to change.”  (Jillian Michaels)

7.      This is not an emergency or a tragedy.

8.      Feeling down?  Focus on someone or something other than yourself.

9.      Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.

10.   Don’t let fear have the final word.

11.    In all things, give thanks.

12.  “Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it.”  (L. M. Montgomery)

To My Fellow Perfectionists, with Love

By Taisa Efseaff Maffey


It is my personal belief that perfectionism should be considered an anxiety disorder.  While it's not something that is clinically diagnosed, I can remember my mom calling me a perfectionist from an early age.

It’s perfectionism that impelled me to come home on my first day of fifth grade and start working on math problems from the textbook I had just received – problems that I hadn’t even been assigned to do.  It’s perfectionism that would drive me to go shoot hoops at an athletic club in town when I was in eighth grade, after already finishing a two-hour basketball practice at school.  It’s perfectionism that regularly kept me studying and working on papers for hours at a time in college, to the exclusion of almost all other activities.  It’s perfectionism that has always kept me awake at night, thinking about everything I have going on and all the things that can go wrong.  Based on these descriptions, you might be able to infer that perfectionism is when a person suffers anxiety in any and all aspects of life as a result of the fear of failure.

To the perfectionist, there are certainly varying degrees of failure, but in the end, anything less than a perfect performance or outcome is tainted with some amount of failure.  Getting an A- for a grade instead of an A, for example.  Not playing a piano piece all the way through without mistakes.  Committing to a diet and exercise plan, then skipping a day of absolute faithfulness (as I sit here eating trail mix with my own addition of mini-marshmallows).  Trying to bake perfect chocolate chip cookies and having them turn out dry.  Writing a blog and then later findingh typos.  To the imperfectionist, all of this may sound completely ridiculous.  After all, no one is perfect, and nothing is wrong with an A-.  Except the minus, says the perfectionist.

While perfectionism is not an easy characteristic to live with, either for the perfectionist or those closest to the perfectionist, it does have its virtues.  Perfectionists are detail-oriented and thorough, they don’t cut corners in their work, and with higher than average standards for productivity and performance, the results they yield also tend to be above average.

But the drawbacks of perfectionism are obvious and harsh.  By holding myself up to impossible standards (i.e., perfection), I set myself up for failure every time.  Then the danger is never feeling like what I do is good enough.  And if my identity is closely tied to what I do (which it usually is), then I never feel quite good enough.  Ultimately, what helps me deal with this anxiety and fear of failure is to stop looking at myself through my eyes and instead remind myself of how God sees me.  Psalm 103:13-14 says,

“As a father pities his children, so the Lord pities those who fear Him.  For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust.”

This verse may seem insulting at first glance.  God sees us as nothing more than dust?  But according to the Bible, we came from the dust (Genesis 2:7), and one day we will inevitably return to it (Job 34:15).  (Cheery news, right?)  It’s comforting to me that God recognizes that, really, I’m just dust, and instead of feeling disappointed in me or by me, He feels compassion and sympathy for me.  Because He doesn’t have the same expectations for me that I do, He isn’t disappointed when I don’t reach some silly, arbitrary standard of excellence that I come up with.  So if God doesn’t expect me to be the perfect student, the perfect writer, the perfect cook or baker, the perfect wife, daughter, sister, friend… What does He expect?

“And now, Israel, what does the Lord your God require of you, but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in all His ways and to love Him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to keep the commandments of the Lord and His statutes which I command you today for your good?” (Deuteronomy 10:12-13)

When a Pharisee asked him what the greatest commandment is,

“Jesus said to him, ‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’  This is the first and great commandment.  And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’  On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.” (Matthew 22:37-40)

When it comes down to it, this is all that really matters.  God doesn’t value me based on my achievements or lack thereof, and He certainly doesn't expect me to be perfect.  It’s good to set goals and have above-average standards for ourselves, but ultimately it’s when we’re loving God first, others second, and ourselves last, that all is right with us.  Not perfect, but right.  And that should be the goal.