Reflections upon Turning 30

I recently read an article that was being shared on Facebook called “What You Learn in Your 40s.”  Having just turned 30, it made me think about the decade I just finished.  Mostly, it made me want to evaluate what exactly it was that I learned in my 20s, if for no other reason than to prove to myself that they served a purpose.

We all had our own ideas of what adulthood would be like when we were kids.  When I was a kid, hitting my 20s was pretty much always the goal.  I was convinced that was when things got completely fabulous.  I’d attend an important college somewhere and live in the dorms just like Felicity; I’d be able to drive, wear high heels and lipstick, and stay out late; I’d go to concerts and parties all the time and drink fancy cocktails (note: fancy = umbrella and maraschino cherry); later, I’d have my own apartment and an important job in an office somewhere, whereat I would wear my high heels and lipstick.  The 20s was where it was at.

School
Eventually – inevitably – came the reality check: When I actually entered my 20s, I did not start wearing high heels and lipstick, much less begin carrying on some super-duper, exciting life.  I didn’t even go away to college and live in the dorms.   Instead, I continued wearing my usual flip flops and chapstick while I lived at home with my parents to save money and worked on finishing my associate’s degree at a community college I hated attending (also to save money).  I didn’t go to many concerts or parties but instead suffered through 20-credit terms so I could graduate early and move on to the next thing.

Service
The next thing turned out to be a Christian service project in rural Baja California, Mexico.  For four months, I lived at an orphanage for children with developmental disabilities.  With 15 Christian guys and girls around my age, I worked with the kids, studied the Bible, and prayed about the future.  No high heels and lipstick yet.  I did, however, get my glamorous dorm experience by living in a tiny cabin with seven other girls.  (Some things sound so much more fun in your head…)

Unemployment/Work
When I finished my stint in Mexico, I was no longer sure about where I wanted to go to finish my bachelor’s degree or even what I wanted my major to be.  Having no money, I returned to living with my parents and applied for dozens of jobs.  It took a while, but I finally got a full-time job working 32 hours per week as an educational assistant and a part-time job working retail.  Many weeks I worked upwards of 50 hours; some weeks I worked as much as 60.  Still not many nights out on the town, but I saved everything I earned for my return to school.

School
Upon returning to school, after an almost three-year absence, I was ready.  But I couldn’t help feeling a bit humbled.  Many of my peers had just graduated with their degrees and here I was having to take 100-level prerequisites for my newly declared English major.  I hated feeling like I was behind.  My 22 year old self also didn’t care for taking classes with 18 year olds, fresh out of high school.  Had I made a huge mistake that kept me from being where I was supposed to be?  But going back to school was the best thing for me, and it happened at the right time.  I regained a confidence in myself that I hadn’t felt since high school.  School was a home I used to know and love well, and it welcomed me back like a long lost sister.

Detour
Prior to my final year before graduation, I took my professors’ advice and researched graduate school programs.  Academia is a funny world, and if you’re not careful, it sucks you up into its intrinsic self-importance.  (How could I possibly get on in life without my master’s and eventually Ph. D. in some noble facet of literary arts?  I might as well throw my brain away because I would hardly have use for it outside of higher education.)  I chose a grad school in Boston and moved there.  I attended orientation and my first week of classes.  And then I had an epiphany.  I already had student loans to pay back from undergrad.  If I continued, I would have a lot more student loans to pay back for grad school.  And when all was said and done, neither school nor degree could guarantee me a job that would enable me to pay back the student loans in a reasonable amount of time.  When I thought about it, I realized I was taking a serious gamble.  The following Monday (you know, after the epiphany), I went down to my school’s administration building and withdrew.

Unemployment/Work
I ended up returning home to Oregon, age 26 by this time and once again overwhelmed with uncertainty.  Wasn’t I supposed to be settled in that important office job by now?  I applied for many jobs but didn’t get a single response.  Frustrated and ready for something new, I moved to Central California to live near extended family.  I found a job, I was enjoying my family and new surroundings… and then I started getting to know Ethan long-distance.  It didn’t take long before I moved back to Oregon so we could continue our relationship in person.

Unemployment/Work
Back in Oregon, I was thrilled by the new relationship, but yet again, I found myself unemployed and unable to get a job.  I sent out résumé after résumé and didn’t get as much as a single response.  Eventually, I temped-to-hire as the receptionist at a law firm in town.  I told myself that it was temporary, that I didn’t get my degree so I could be a receptionist, but without any other options before me, I remained in that position for an entire year.  At that point, I was promoted to legal assistant.  I had just turned 29.

Here’s what I now find interesting and a little funny in hindsight:

1) When I started at the law firm, I did dress up in nice business attire and wear heels.  And what do you know?  The heels brought on back problems!  Once I figured out the source of my pain, I stopped wearing them.  Gradually, I also stopped dressing up so nice.  Ultimately, when it came down to looking all put together or sleeping in a little extra in the morning, my vanity shamelessly took a backseat.

2) I never did start wearing lipstick.  Whenever I tried putting it on, I was put off by my fake, “painted” appearance.  I also couldn’t stand feeling self-conscious about licking my lips, accidentally smearing it, or having to reapply it.

3) When I became a legal assistant, I finally had my “important office job.”  But it was also the most stressful and frustrating job I’d ever had, and it made me miserable.

4) For all my childhood fantasies of staying out late, going to concerts and parties, it turns out Taisa the Adult loves nothing more than to watch Dateline mysteries on the couch with her husband, try out new recipes, or curl up with a good book in a quiet house.  Come to find out, Taisa the Adult is an introvert and a homebody.

My big realization in all of this is I didn’t “arrive” in my 20s (by my childhood estimation) until I was 29.  And even then, everything I had thought would make my life fabulous instead turned out to be the very things I didn’t want for myself.  If the 20s are meant to be a time of floundering along as you try to find your way, as mine were, then maybe the 30s are meant to be… Well, I guess we’ll see.  In any case, here it is – here’s what I learned in my 20s:

1. It’s okay not to know what to do.  If you believe that God has a plan for you, then rest in that knowledge and wait until He shows you the next step to take.  In the meantime, just keep doing the best you know how to do with what’s in front of you right now.
2. You can’t compare what you’re doing with what other people are doing.  Everyone is on their own path (as hokey as that sounds).  Make the right decisions for you based on where you are at in your life.  Prayerfully walk through the doors God seems to be opening for you.  Don’t keep beating on the doors He doesn’t.
3. Life isn’t any better over there.  They have the same thing over there that they have here.
4. Your teachers and high school counselor were lying to you.  A college degree doesn’t ensure that you’ll get a good job when you grow up, or even a job at all.  Oftentimes, it has much more to do with who you know or the experience you manage to pick up along the way.
5. Don’t ever try to force something to happen, work, or fit.  If it’s not right, then it’s not right.  Open your mind to other possibilities.  It might mean waiting for the right thing to come along at the right time or even accepting “no” for an answer.
6. Don’t feel bad or dumb if you don’t know something, and don’t try to fake it.  Find someone who does know and ask them.  Learning is empowering.
7. To-do lists have the power to save your sanity.  If you’re feeling overwhelmed, make a to-do list, writing down absolutely everything that is on your mind to do or remember, no matter how small.  Complete a couple of the easiest tasks first to cross off the list and give yourself the satisfying taste of accomplishment.  Then tackle the biggest, hairiest thing that gives you a knot in your stomach whenever you think about it.  You will grow calmer and more confident with every accomplished task.
8. Here’s one I learned from my mom: If you’ve got “the blahs,” it helps lift your spirit to “freshen up”: Brush your teeth, take a shower, shave your legs, clip your fingernails, paint your toe nails.  Small improvements inspire bigger improvements.
9. Don’t get rid of any clothes because you’ve gained or lost weight or because it’s not in style anymore but instead store them in large Rubbermaid containers.  You will be glad you saved them later.
10. Don’t wear make-up on a regular basis.  Then when you do, people will make it a point to tell you how great you look.