It is my personal belief that perfectionism should be considered an anxiety disorder. While it's not something that is clinically diagnosed, I can remember my mom calling me a perfectionist from an early age.
It’s perfectionism that impelled me to come home on my first day of fifth grade and start working on math problems from the textbook I had just received – problems that I hadn’t even been assigned to do. It’s perfectionism that would drive me to go shoot hoops at an athletic club in town when I was in eighth grade, after already finishing a two-hour basketball practice at school. It’s perfectionism that regularly kept me studying and working on papers for hours at a time in college, to the exclusion of almost all other activities. It’s perfectionism that has always kept me awake at night, thinking about everything I have going on and all the things that can go wrong. Based on these descriptions, you might be able to infer that perfectionism is when a person suffers anxiety in any and all aspects of life as a result of the fear of failure.
To the perfectionist, there are certainly varying degrees of failure, but in the end, anything less than a perfect performance or outcome is tainted with some amount of failure. Getting an A- for a grade instead of an A, for example. Not playing a piano piece all the way through without mistakes. Committing to a diet and exercise plan, then skipping a day of absolute faithfulness (as I sit here eating trail mix with my own addition of mini-marshmallows). Trying to bake perfect chocolate chip cookies and having them turn out dry. Writing a blog and then later findingh typos. To the imperfectionist, all of this may sound completely ridiculous. After all, no one is perfect, and nothing is wrong with an A-. Except the minus, says the perfectionist.
While perfectionism is not an easy characteristic to live with, either for the perfectionist or those closest to the perfectionist, it does have its virtues. Perfectionists are detail-oriented and thorough, they don’t cut corners in their work, and with higher than average standards for productivity and performance, the results they yield also tend to be above average.
But the drawbacks of perfectionism are obvious and harsh. By holding myself up to impossible standards (i.e., perfection), I set myself up for failure every time. Then the danger is never feeling like what I do is good enough. And if my identity is closely tied to what I do (which it usually is), then I never feel quite good enough. Ultimately, what helps me deal with this anxiety and fear of failure is to stop looking at myself through my eyes and instead remind myself of how God sees me. Psalm 103:13-14 says,
“As a father pities his children, so the Lord pities those who fear Him. For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust.”
This verse may seem insulting at first glance. God sees us as nothing more than dust? But according to the Bible, we came from the dust (Genesis 2:7), and one day we will inevitably return to it (Job 34:15). (Cheery news, right?) It’s comforting to me that God recognizes that, really, I’m just dust, and instead of feeling disappointed in me or by me, He feels compassion and sympathy for me. Because He doesn’t have the same expectations for me that I do, He isn’t disappointed when I don’t reach some silly, arbitrary standard of excellence that I come up with. So if God doesn’t expect me to be the perfect student, the perfect writer, the perfect cook or baker, the perfect wife, daughter, sister, friend… What does He expect?
“And now, Israel, what does the Lord your God require of you, but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in all His ways and to love Him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to keep the commandments of the Lord and His statutes which I command you today for your good?” (Deuteronomy 10:12-13)
When a Pharisee asked him what the greatest commandment is,
“Jesus said to him, ‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.” (Matthew 22:37-40)
When it comes down to it, this is all that really matters. God doesn’t value me based on my achievements or lack thereof, and He certainly doesn't expect me to be perfect. It’s good to set goals and have above-average standards for ourselves, but ultimately it’s when we’re loving God first, others second, and ourselves last, that all is right with us. Not perfect, but right. And that should be the goal.
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