Avoiding the D-word, Part II

By Taisa Efseaff Maffey

Safeguard #1: Treasure your spouse.

Jesus said, “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Matthew 6:21).  Think about how you treat a material possession you have that you treasure – a car, a fancy dress, a piece of expensive jewelry, an antique piece of furniture, a gigantic TV, a special family keepsake.  Do you leave it lying around somewhere where it’s vulnerable to being damaged or lost?  Of course not.  Because you care about it and even have emotional attachment to it, you take careful measures to protect it from anything or anyone that can cause it harm or take it away from you.  How much more do we need to protect our marriages and keep them safe?  The first step is to treasure your spouse.

I think a common problem in marriage today is we’re not serious enough or vigilant about our marriages; we gradually begin to take our spouses for granted and treat them casually.  We get duped into thinking marriage is self-cleaning; it maintains itself as we go about our daily, weekly, and monthly activities.  It’s easy to allow our spouse to slip down the list of priorities when we feel there are so many other things that demand our attention first – jobs, bills, kids, pets, housework, and the list goes on.  We think the spouse can wait – they’ll still be there once we attend to everything else – but this ultimately puts our spouse (and our marriage) in the precarious position of being at the bottom of the list.  Let’s face it, things at the bottom of the list tend to fall by the wayside.  In other words, low priority spouse = dead marriage.

While we were in the early stages of our relationship and falling in love, one of the mushier texts Ethan and I would send each other was, “You’re my Favorite.”  (Notice that “Favorite” is capitalized.)  We still say that to each other today.  It may seem like a cutesy statement, but we mean it in a deep way (hence the capitalization) to declare to each other that above anyone and everything else (except for the Lord), we view each other as #1 – the very best, the most important, and our first preference every time.  Every time we say that to each other, we’re saying, “I choose YOU; I want YOU.”

Now, I recognize every couple is different, and other couples may not express their love verbally as much as they do in other ways (though I would argue that it’s important for every couple to have some verbal expression of love in their relationship).  But the point is making your spouse your treasure – treating them like they’re the greatest person you know and making them feel that they are most important and precious in your life, that they are your Favorite.  This means that they are more important than your job, getting the housework done, your favorite sports team, your “me-time,” your own family members, even your kids.

Yup, I said it: Your spouse should come first before your children.  I think it’s safe to say this is harder for women than it is for men.  Starting at conception, kids are born to be dependent on their moms.  This dependency lessens as they grow older, but it’s still always there.  Moms, in turn, have an innate compulsion to care for and protect their children, which is as God intended, but not to the extent that women treat their kids better than their husbands.  In Titus 2:4, it is written that women are to love their husbands (first) and their children (second).  Dr. Laura Schlessinger also writes about this in her truly necessary book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands:

“Literally hundreds of men have written to me about their pain with being marginalized after the children were born.  Once their wives became mothers, they had no time to be wives.  The men would even compliment their wives on being great mothers, but expressed considerable pain over not being shown love, affection, or sexual interest.  The typical reply from a wife challenged with this was ‘I only have time to take care of one person, and our child is that person.  I’m just too tired for you.’

“This puts fathers in the ugly and uncomfortable position of feeling competitive with and resentful of their children, whom they love so much.  They miss the affection, companionship, and lovemaking they used to share with their wives.  They feel put aside and shut out and unimportant.” (28)

On the most basic level, the following verse encapsulates how we should be treating our spouses: “Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband” (Ephesians 5:33).  It’s interesting the distinction made in this verse, that husbands are to love their wives while women are to respect their husbands.  This doesn’t mean the converse doesn’t also apply, but the wording suggests that it is of primary importance for men to show their wives love and for wives to show their husbands respect.

What happens when a man doesn’t feel respected by his wife?  He might get angry a lot, he might give up trying in the marriage altogether, or he might look for that feeling of respect from somewhere or someone else.  What happens when a woman doesn’t feel loved by her husband?  She might whine, nag, become cold and withdrawn, or again, she might look for that feeling of love from somewhere or someone else.  Any one of these scenarios results in serious problems, if not disaster, for the marriage.

Bottom line: Make your spouse feel treasured.  Don’t neglect them.  Don’t criticize them.  Don’t make fun of them.  Treat them better than you treat anyone else.  Brag about them to other people, especially when your spouse is around and can hear you.  Take care of them, do things for them, put their needs first.  Compliment them, encourage them, tell them you appreciate them.  Husbands, tell your wives how much you love them, how gorgeous they are, and how thankful you are for everything that they do.  Wives, tell your husbands you respect them for their hard work and admire them for some of their more manly qualities.  (I’ve never met a man who doesn’t like to be recognized as manly.)

As a side-note, I recommend reading The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman, which discusses the different ways in which people demonstrate their love to others and desire to receive love from others, which may in fact be different.  For example, I tend to show my love by doing acts of service, but the way I feel the most loved is when I receive words of support, encouragement, or praise.  Ethan is different from me.  While I know he appreciates the things I do for him, he feels most loved when we’re spending time together, even if it’s just watching TV.  If you don’t get around to reading the book, you and your spouse can discover your love languages by taking a quiz on the Web site: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/.

Work Cited:

Schlessinger, Laura. The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. HarperCollins Publishers, 2004.

Continue on to Avoiding the D-word, Part III, or re-read Part I.

Avoiding the D-word, Part I

By Taisa Efseaff Maffey

[DISCLAIMER: Because divorce is such a sensitive subject for a lot of people, I want to be clear that the purpose of this post is not to bash anyone who’s been divorced.  Nor is the purpose of this post to argue that divorce is never an option; there are in fact a couple of legitimate grounds for divorce in the Bible, but that goes beyond the scope of this post, so I’m acknowledging the fact that those reasons exist here, upfront, to avoid misunderstanding.  This post is simply written from the assumption that most people would rather have a happy marriage than get divorced.  This post is also written from my personal perspective that the happiest, strongest marriages result from following Biblical principles.]

When I started this blog, I wasn’t quite sure what shape it would take or what exact topics I would cover, but I was resolute about one thing: I wouldn’t write just for the sake of having something to post.  We are all barraged by content everywhere we turn online.  If you read one article or watch one video, five more pop up as suggestions.  There’s always someone or something vying for your attention, trying to get you interested in what they’re doing or selling.  I’ve never had lofty ambitions for this blog other than I decided I would only write blog posts when I had something I felt strongly was worth writing and worth reading.  For this reason, I haven’t posted anything in over four months.

During that time, I’ve thought of a lot of different ideas to explore as blog posts, but each idea quickly fizzled out.  The more time passed, the more I tried to come up with a plan about what to write next, but I just didn’t feel that I had God’s confirmation about any of my ideas.  And yet, there was one particular topic I didn’t want to write about but couldn’t get out of my head.

Over the past few months, it seems like I haven’t been able to stop hearing about couples who were separating, considering divorce, getting divorced, or dealing with the difficult, painful aftermath of divorce.  I know this isn’t unusual.  Divorce is a ubiquitous aspect of modern day society.  Nevertheless, it hurts my heart when I hear about people who are struggling in their marriages, even when they’re people I barely know.

Every married person (or I’d like to think every married person) has experienced the thrill and fun and romance that leads up to marriage – meeting and getting to know each other, dating, falling in love, creating memories, getting and being engaged, planning the wedding.  There’s really nothing like it.  And then of course there’s the joy of marriage itself – always having your best friend with you; living in your own little world of shared silliness, private looks, and inside jokes; connecting in emotional and physical intimacy; banding together as a team that privately protests together against the injustice of bad movies, bad dining experiences, and bad drivers.  (Or maybe that last example is just me and Ethan?)

So when I hear about a couple who is getting a divorce, I can’t help but think, “What HAPPENED?  How do you go from being a couple who was once in love and affectionate towards each other, who loved being together and presumably thought so well of each other… to a couple who can’t have a conversation without fighting, who can’t stand to be in the same room together, who can’t seem to find anything good in each other or in their marriage that’s worth holding onto and not giving up?  Where did it all go wrong?”  It’s gut-wrenching to see how ugly and painful and messy things get when a marriage falls apart, especially when you compare it to how beautiful and happy relationships typically are in the beginning.

We all know or at least can imagine the devastation that divorce brings – the breaking apart of two lives that were once knit together in unity; the shattering of expectations of what you thought your life would look like; feelings of hurt, anger, rejection, betrayal, regret, and failure; the emotional and logistical hardship it causes any children involved – but what also makes divorce a tragedy, as I see it, is how avoidable it is.

I know that goes contrary to what seems to be the general consensus today.  We’ve all heard it said, “There are no guarantees!” when it comes to marriage, along with “You can never truly know a person,” and “People change! People grow apart! They’re not the same people as they were when they got married,” and “Just as people can fall in love, people can fall out of love.”  While it’s true that no one has any direct control over their spouse’s personality, character, or choices, the Bible teaches that each spouse is still individually responsible for fulfilling their own designated role in their marriage, and by following God’s design for marriage as outlined in the Bible, we can by and large avoid resorting to divorce.  Here’s why:

God created marriage.  After He created the universe and declared that everything He created was good, God created Adam and then said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him” (Genesis 2:18; emphasis added), and He created Eve to be Adam’s wife.  “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).  The Book of Proverbs adds this commentary: “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord” (18:22).

Therefore, since God created woman for the good of man, since God created marriage as a good thing, since God designed marriage so that a man and a woman join themselves together physically, emotionally, and legally for their mutual benefit, that means… drumroll, please… God is PRO-MARRIAGE.  When asked about divorce by the Pharisees, Jesus instructed, “Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate” (Mark 10:9).  Once a man and woman say, “I do,” God desires the marriage to thrive and last permanently.

But just as God is the #1 advocate for marriage, Satan is the #1 adversary against marriage.  Yes, Satan exists, and he is against anything and everything that God has created for good.  The Bible teaches, “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.” (1 Peter 5:8).  Satan wants nothing better than to cause rifts and create distance in your relationship with your spouse, to break up your covenant before God, to break up your family, and to open up permanent emotional wounds in your children.  With the carnage of failed marriages all around us, we can deduce that this type of destruction is a specialty of Satan’s.  He’s very good at ruining lives… but only if we let him.

Notice the beginning of that verse: “Be sober, be vigilant.”  And the verse that immediately follows instructs us to “Resist him [Satan], steadfast in the faith[…]” (1 Peter 5:9a).  We are warned that we need to be serious and watchful for tactics that Satan might use to try to bring us down.  And we are instructed to resist his tactics by holding on to God’s truth and living in obedience to it.  In other words, we have a part to play; it is up to us to resist Satan’s attacks, because they will likely come.

This may seem like a silly example, but as early as when we were still dating, Ethan and I started to notice that we would often get into a fight right before we were about to go do something together that we had been really looking forward to.  I’m sorry to say there were more than a couple date nights foiled because we got into an argument right before.  We finally put it together after one of those arguments, when one of us made the comment, “You know, it seems like every time we’re about to go out for sushi, we get into a fight!”  (We both love sushi.)  Fast-forward to our honeymoon in Maui, when we were walking around downtown Lahaina, waiting for our reservation time at (what else?) a sushi restaurant, and sure enough we got into a fight.  Thankfully, before it went on too long, I suddenly stopped and said, “Ethan.  The only reason we’re fighting is because we’re about to go have sushi!” and I threw my arms around him.  Without another word, we grabbed each other’s hands and kept walking.

“Let love be without hypocrisy.  Abhor what is evil.  Cling to what is good.” (Romans 12:9)

We need to start thinking about our marriages as a big, fat target for Satan.  Remember in 1 Peter, we are instructed to “Resist him [Satan], steadfast in the faith[…]” (5:9a; emphasis added).  Again in James, it tells us, “Therefore submit to God.  Resist the devil and he will flee from you” (4:7; emphasis added).  So how do we resist Satan in this area?  The answer is to fortify your marriage.  I like the word “fortify” because it means “to protect or strengthen against attack; surround or provide with defensive military works.”  More specifically, in order to fortify your marriage, you need to put up safeguards.  A safeguard is “something that serves as a protection or defense or that ensures safety” (www.dictionary.com).  In the next few posts, I’m going to talk about three essential safeguards you can start putting up immediately, if you haven’t done so already.

Continue on to Avoiding the D-word, Part II.

Five Words All Wives Need to Be Okay with Saying (and All Husbands Need to Be Okay with Hearing)

By Taisa Efseaff Maffey

Recently, I had an interesting conversation with a small group of women, two of whom had just quit their full-time jobs and were transitioning into either working part-time or solely at home.  I immediately related to these women because just a year and a half ago, I decided to quit my own job and become a stay-at-home wife.  (You can read all about why I did it HERE.)

These women brought up questions and feelings that I myself had pondered a year and a half ago and, if I’m being honest, sometimes still struggle with to this day.  Questions like, “Is it smart or fair to make my husband the sole breadwinner for our family?  Will I be contributing enough to our household without a paycheck?  Should I be doing more?  What will people think?”  Feelings of insecurity, guilt, and fear.  I was happy to address concerns like these and share some of my own experience and insight with these women, but after our conversation ended, I felt like there was still so much more I had to say on the subject.

But before I do, I want to give the disclaimer that I’m writing this post for women who are struggling under the pressure and burden of working an outside job AND being a good wife/mom AND running a household AND maintaining their health and their family’s health AND having a sparkling personality and top-notch attitude all at the same time.

If you’re a woman who is handling all of that like a champ and doesn’t mind and feels that her marriage is strong and happy and her kids are thriving, then hey, keep doing what you’re doing.  But if you’re like I was a year and a half ago, and you don’t feel like you’re handling everything all that great, or at least one of those areas in life is kind of unraveling (or YOU are), then I simply want to share with you that there may be a better way.

I have to admit it wasn’t until I got married that I became passionate about the topic and concept of womanhood.  Even though I didn’t get married until I was 28, I never really felt like a Woman until that point.  I always felt like I was just a girl when I was single.  But when I got married, I suddenly felt very grown-up and womanly in my role as a wife.  Of course, there’s the fun and romantic aspect of being a wife, hanging out with your husband and being all, “I’m so in love with you!!!”, but then there’s also the unavoidable everyday life stuff, the “taking-care-of-business” part…

I don’t know that I can say this about every woman, and maybe my perspective is skewed by growing up with very strong, very domestically skilled Russian women in my family, but my observations and experience have led me to believe that women tend to have this unique instinct that impels them to automatically and continually assess what needs to be done in the home… and then get it done (e.g., “Do we have enough food in the house for the week?  What meals can I make with what we have on hand?  Do we have clean clothes for the week?  It’s time to wash the bedding again.  The bathroom’s getting pretty bad; it’ll have to be cleaned this week.”)  Basically, my observations and experience have led me to believe that women are usually the ones who keep things running smoothly (and clean!) at home.

Again, I don’t know that I can say this about every man, but as a woman who has now lived with a father, a brother, an uncle, a male cousin, a male family member, and a husband, my observations and experience have been that men generally do not have this same instinct.  When it comes to home life, I’ve observed, men are mostly content to let things go until something requires immediate attention (e.g., “I’m hungry and there’s nothing to eat so I’ll order a pizza,” or “I have no more clean underwear so I guess I’ll have to do some laundry,” or “The hole in my pajama pants has gotten really big; I should get some new ones soon.”)  Women, on the other hand, try to prevent things from getting to that point.

In a study performed just last year, the Bureau of Labor Statistics confirmed my assessment by revealing that, year after year, women continue to do considerably more cooking and housework than men, even though most married households are dual-income.  For these reasons, in my previous post on this subject, I refer to married women and mothers who work full-time as working “double-duty.”

In other words, married women and mothers who work full-time put in the same hours at an outside job as their husbands (assuming their husbands also work full-time), but then come home and do the lion’s share of the cooking and housework, and often grocery shopping, running errands, and parenting-related tasks as well.  Therefore, women who are wives and mothers and who work full-time jobs tend to work significantly more hours in a week than their husbands.

I wasn’t alive when the feminist anthem “I’m a Woman” came out and was made famous by Peggy Lee back in 1962, but I remember watching Vonda Shepard, Lisa Nicole Carson, and Jane Krakowski perform a powerful version of it on Ally McBeal in the 90s.  Here’s a clip of the song with lyrics so you can read (or sing) along:

Impressive, right?  “I can rub and scrub this old house ’til it’s shinin’ like a dime; feed my baby, grease the car, and powder my face at the same time.”  Then there’s the famous commercial from the late 70s for the perfume, Enjoli, which included some new lyrics:

“I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never let you forget you’re a man.”  These songs depict a woman who cleans, cooks, and gets her errands done no problem; she makes herself look nice; attends to all her man’s needs; she earns money, pays the bills, and still manages to have money left over at the end of the month.  And she doesn’t even require more than an hour of sleep at night!

Aside from the catchy tune, I find this song pretty ridiculous.  And yet, it contains a concept of womanhood that, however exaggerated in the song, has been heavily propagated down through the decades, to the point where we still feel its effects today.  Well, here’s a fun little fact for you: “I’m a Woman” was not written by a woman at all but by two men, Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller.

So this concept of the woman who can do it all – work an outside job, clean, cook, take care of children, go grocery shopping and run errands, manage the finances well, and be an attentive, attractive, and sensual wife who still has the time and inclination to go out and have fun (instead of choosing to take a nap!) – was created by… MEN.  This is not a real woman, people; it is a fantasy that two men invented from their imaginations.

When we turn to the Bible, it is interesting to note that women are never charged with the responsibility of providing financially for their families.  Rather, after the Fall in the Garden of Eden, God told man that he would be cursed to work for provisions all the days of his life, while woman was cursed with severe pain in childbearing and the struggle in accepting her husband’s leadership (Genesis 3:16-19).

In the New Testament, Apostle Paul admonishes men, “But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Timothy 5:8).  Also in the New Testament, Apostle Paul relays to Titus that he wants the older women to teach the younger women “to love their husbands, to love their children,” to be “keepers at home” (KJV) and “managers of their households” (ISV) (Titus 2:4-5).

According to the Bible, practically speaking, the primary responsibility of husbands is to work and provide for their families, and the primary responsibility of wives is to care for their husbands and children and manage their households.  When either partner does not fulfill their role and take care of their responsibilities, dysfunction and strife are not far behind.  This is because it forces the other partner to compensate by taking on an additional role and responsibilities.  (Think about the hardship a man puts his wife and children in if he is lazy and does not work or contents himself with doing the bare minimum in a dead-end job.  Think about the frustration a woman causes her husband and the insecurity she makes her children feel if she’s not taking care of their needs, making sure they have regular meals to eat and appropriate, clean clothing to wear.)

Why this difference in callings for men and women?  I believe it’s because neither men nor women can handle both areas of life simultaneously very well.  One area or the other will always be compromised to some extent because it’s a heavy burden to place the responsibilities and stress of both a work life and a home life on one marriage partner.  I also believe God gave men and women each the primary role that they were best suited to handle.

This is not to say that women can’t do more than cooking, cleaning, and child-rearing.  This is not to say that men can’t handle domestic tasks.  However, it is interesting to note what it says in Genesis after the creation of man:

“And the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.’  […]  And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place.  Then the rib which the Lord God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man.”  (Genesis 2:18, 21-22)

From the very beginning, God acknowledged that man wouldn’t do very well on his own.  Men need help; they need the skillset that women bring to the table.  Proverbs 18:22 says it another way: “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord.”

This is simply to say not one of us, man or woman alike, can do it all, and dividing up the workload according to the Biblical design may very well prove the most efficient and peaceful way to run a household and maintain a happy marriage.  I know that’s been the case for Ethan and I, and a great many of our friends and family as well.

My point is not to suggest that women who work outside the home are doing something wrong or are bad wives and mothers.  Not at all.  My own mom was a working wife and mother.  Even the Proverbs 31 woman worked on the side and generated income.  My point is to convey that God did not create women with the intention or expectation that they bear the burden of working double-duty, and I want women (and men, for that matter) to recognize that society’s expectations of women are both unrealistic and unfair.  I hate that so many women have been deceived into believing they should be able to do it all, only to feel bad when they struggle under the pressure or feel that they’re failing in some respect… or feel guilty if they’re not “doing it all.”

In Ephesians 5, men are told “to love their own wives as their own bodies,” by nurturing and cherishing them; and that “he who loves his wife loves himself” (28-29).  Again, God created men with the primary responsibility to lead, protect, and provide for their wives and families.  As much as is in our control, I believe we as women need to step back and let them.  For a lot of women, this starts by being okay with saying and communicating to their husbands, “I can’t do it all.”

Again, I’m not saying that all married women and mothers should stay home and not work outside jobs.  For many, this is simply not an option.  And there are women who choose to have jobs and careers they find gratifying, which I think is great insofar as it doesn’t compromise their primary role as wife and mother.  But I do think we all need to question whether our lifestyle #1) actually reflects our priorities, and #2) is the best thing for everyone in the family.

I also want to say this: I’ve spent a lot of time discussing the “taking-care-of-business” part of being a wife and running a household because it’s the necessary, practical, visible work that can most directly compare with an outside job’s responsibilities and tasks (though I barely even touched on the work involved when it comes to taking care of children and parenting!).  But hopefully every woman knows there is so much more to being a wife than the physical work.

Being a wife means being responsible for someone other than yourself.  The truth of the matter is when you’re married, you’re only doing as well as your partner is.  It doesn’t matter if you’re both adults who previously managed yourselves fine on your own.  Marriage is about putting your partner first, helping each other, taking care of each other’s needs, and supporting each other.  When you focus on taking care of your partner and building them up, you’re enabling them to do the same for you.

Specifically, though, what does this look like for wives?  Ephesians 5:33 says, “Let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”  It’s interesting the distinction made in this verse, that husbands are to love their wives while women are to respect their husbands.  This doesn’t mean the converse doesn’t also apply, but the wording suggests that it is of primary importance for wives to show their husbands respect, even more than love.

What happens when a man doesn’t feel respected by his wife?  He might get angry, he might look for that feeling of respect from somewhere or someone else, or he might give up trying to earn respect altogether.  Any one of these scenarios results in serious problems, if not disaster, for the marriage.

For the record, from what I’ve observed, men who fill the role of sole provider for their family maintain a very real, even primal sense of masculine pride, especially when their work and provision is received with respect and gratitude by their wives and families.  In turn, those men are much more happy, loving, and attentive towards their wives and families.  This is not surprising if you look at marriage from a Biblical perspective and understand it to be a symbiotic relationship where a wife’s respect incites a husband’s love and a husband’s loving devotion and provision fosters a wife’s respect.

I bring up the wife’s role in relation to her husband because it is often the first thing that suffers when a wife is overworked, stressed, and tired – the all too common result of working double-duty.

Marriages don’t maintain themselves.  Wives need to listen to their husbands, encourage and praise them, and treat them with respect, love, and affection.  This is super hard for wives to do when they’ve already given everything they’ve got to getting kids ready in the morning and dropping them off at daycare or school, to working an outside job, to fighting traffic and picking up kids from daycare or school, to getting groceries in the fridge and dinner on the table, to helping kids with homework and baths, to washing and folding laundry, to walking the dog, watering the garden, and shaving their legs.

Somewhere, something has to give.  So do you allow your marriage to continue on as is and hope it survives?  Do you try to convince yourself, “The kids are all right.  This is just a phase.  They’re resilient.”?  Do you go to your doctor and get a prescription for Prozac or Xanax?  Again, we need to question whether our lifestyle #1) actually reflects our priorities, and #2) is the best thing for everyone in the family.

One final verse I want to leave you with, and it’s a sobering one:

“The wise woman builds her house,
But the foolish pulls it down with her hands.”  (Proverbs 14:1)

Are you the wise woman or the foolish woman?  How are you handling the areas of life you’re responsible for as a wife and mother?

If something in your home life is amiss, I encourage you to be the wise woman and focus on making the necessary changes to repair the damage and build your house back up.  If this means talking with your husband about making changes to your lifestyle, I again encourage you to be brave enough and humble enough to admit that you can’t do it all.  What’s more, give yourself some grace and remind yourself that God doesn’t expect you to.

Let It Go: Releasing God's Blessings in Your Life

By Taisa Efseaff Maffey

For a while now, a strange kind of theme has been coming up repeatedly in my life, but I didn’t know how to process it until very recently.  One after another lately, I’ve had to watch several people I care about making some really bad decisions in their lives.  More specifically, these are fellow Christians who have chosen to walk away from what they’ve previously known to be right in order to pursue their own whims and desires, regardless of the cost or consequences.

If you’ve ever had a loved one make truly destructive decisions, you know how hard it is to stand by and watch.  You try to reach out to them in love and give them advice or resources to help, but your words fall on deaf ears.  Then you just want to yell at the person, “Don’t you see what’s going on?!  If you would just [fill in the blank], your situation would improve and you would be so much better off!”  But if you’ve ever tried that tactic, you know it doesn’t do any good either.

It’s even worse when you witness firsthand the repercussions of those bad decisions.  You can see the harm they’re causing themselves and others.  You watch them dig themselves deeper and deeper into a hole that becomes increasingly difficult to climb out of.  The more they insist on doing what they’re doing, the further they are from what they want most.  They’re left unsatisfied.  Happiness evades them.  They may even become depressed.  But they still refuse to give up and change directions.

As a bystander, this behavior is extremely frustrating.  But my point in bringing all this up is actually not to address how to go about fixing those other people.  For better or worse, every adult is free to make their own choices, and experience has taught me there’s little any of us can do to affect their decisions.  But we do have control over our own.

Rather than focusing our attention on what other people are doing or not doing, I want us to seriously consider the decisions we make, especially whether we are making decisions that hinder us and keep us from experiencing God’s best in our lives.  Maybe we’re making decisions that we don’t personally see as being all that bad, much less destructive, by comparison to all those other people.  Let’s be honest: It’s easy to find ways to justify the things that we do.  We may even have convinced ourselves the decisions we make are logical and good.  But as they say, the proof is in the pudding.  Do the decisions we make bring God’s blessings and contribute to our wellbeing and the wellbeing of the people in our lives?  Or do they bring frustration, strife, pain, or dysfunction, even in seemingly small ways?

Sometimes, the answer is obvious.  Eating whatever we want, as much as we want, keeps us from a healthy weight and ultimately contributes to serious health problems.  Spending money irresponsibly or trying to sustain a standard of living we can’t afford leads us into debt and causes chronic stress.  Acting selfishly and inconsiderately causes rifts in our relationships and keeps people from wanting to be around us.  These are pretty basic examples of cause and effect with regard to our actions.

But other times the answer is harder to see because the effects of our decisions are much more subtle.  Personally, I find there are two red flags in particular that warn me when I’m making a decision that’s not in line with God’s will for me and/or I’m thwarting God’s work and blessing in my life.

The first red flag is what I call Resistance.  (I touched on this idea before in another post I called “The Best Prayer I Ever Prayed.”)  With Resistance, the Biblical example that immediately comes to mind is of Apostle Paul and Timothy in the New Testament, when they decide to travel to Asia Minor (known as modern day Turkey) to preach the Gospel:

“Now when they had gone through Phrygia and the region of Galatia, they were forbidden by the Holy Spirit to preach the word in Asia.  After they had come to Mysia, they tried to go into Bithynia, but the Spirit did not permit them.  So passing by Mysia, they came down to Troas.  And a vision appeared to Paul in the night. A man of Macedonia stood and pleaded with him, saying, ‘Come over to Macedonia and help us.’  Now after he had seen the vision, immediately we sought to go to Macedonia, concluding that the Lord had called us to preach the gospel to them.”  (Acts 16:6-10) (emphasis added)

I find this account fascinating.  It doesn’t say exactly how Paul and Timothy were prevented from going into Bithynia, but however it played out practically, the bottom line is they met Resistance when they made this particular decision.  Was their decision bad?  Nope.  They seem to have had the best of intentions to share the Good News of eternal salvation through Jesus Christ with people who they thought needed to hear it.  But God clearly had another plan in mind for them.

Have you ever experienced Resistance to a decision or plan you’ve made?  A decision or plan that seemed like a good idea, but – despite your best intentions and efforts – refused to pan out.  You thought it was what you were supposed to do.  It made the most sense.  Maybe this decision or course of action even worked really well for someone else you knew, but when YOU tried, it was just. not. happening.

But not only was it just not happening, this plan you made may have caused you serious grief.  The more you tried to make it happen, the more elusive were the results you desired and the more frustrated and discouraged you became.

Don’t look at moments like these as failures but rather learn to identify Resistance early on and receive it as direction from God.  If He is blocking off one way, then He’s most likely wanting you to go a different way.  As the Reverend Mother in The Sound of Music says, “When the Lord closes a door, somewhere He opens a window.”

Unfortunately, what often happens is we keep knocking on the closed door, waiting for it and willing it to open.  Some of us end up pounding on that door, determined to break it down if need be, so we can get whatever it is on the other side that we want.  This is a big mistake.  Respect the closed door.  If the Lord’s not allowing one of your decisions or plans to succeed, then He must have something else, something better, in mind for you.  Look for the open window.

“‘For My thoughts are not your thoughts,

Nor are your ways My ways,’ says the Lord.
‘For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways,
And My thoughts than your thoughts.’”
(Isaiah 55:8-9)

“Your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying,
‘This is the way, walk in it,’
Whenever you turn to the right hand
Or whenever you turn to the left.”
(Isaiah 30:21)

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.”
(Proverbs 3:5-6)

The second red flag that warns me when I’m preventing God from accomplishing His perfect will in my life is what I call The Clenched Fist.  The Clenched Fist is when we hold onto something so tightly that our hands are not open to receive from the Lord.  Generally, the thing we are clenching so tightly and refusing to let go of is something that’s not good for us, whether we understand why or not.  Often, it’s a substandard, second-rate, super lame imitation of the real thing we desire most, but we’re too afraid to let it go.  Why?  Because it’s a safety blanket, a coping mechanism, a way of avoiding or numbing pain, or it’s the closest we’ve come to feeling happiness or peace.  But it’s not real happiness.  And there is no peace.

The best illustration I have for The Clenched Fist doesn’t come from the Bible but from J. R. R. Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings.  I’ve included a short clip from the movie for your viewing pleasure:

Here’s a short list of some of the common things we hold onto.  As you read through, consider if there’s something God may be asking you to let go of in order to experience His best in your life:

Ambition
Anger
Disappointments
Envy
Expectations
Fear
Finances

Grief

Grudges

Hardheartedness

Pain
Perfection
Plans
Pride
Problems
Regrets
Selfishness
Self-sufficiency
Sin
Standard of living
Unbiblical relationships

For the record, sometimes the things we hold onto aren’t inherently bad at all.  But a problem for sure exists if we are ever unwilling to let go because we’re not trusting the Lord to fulfill our needs and do what’s best for us, in His perfect timing and perfect way.  Anything we attempt to do or hold onto by our own will and strength comes so far short of what God can do when we surrender everything to Him and rely on Him alone.

So how about it?  Are you willing to let go of whatever may be holding you back from receiving God’s best in your life?  If you’re still not there, here’s my big finish: PROMISE after PROMISE from God’s Word that He is good and truly seeks to bless those who trust in Him...

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

“Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good;
Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!
Oh, fear the Lord, you His saints!
There is no want to those who fear Him.
The young lions lack and suffer hunger;
But those who seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing.”
(Psalm 34:8-10)

“For the Lord God is a sun and shield;
The Lord will give grace and glory;
No good thing will He withhold
From those who walk uprightly.
O Lord of hosts,
Blessed is the man who trusts in You!”
(Psalm 84:11-12)

“Or what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone?  Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent?  If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!”  (Matthew 7:9-11)

“God is my strength and power,
And He makes my way perfect.
He makes my feet like the feet of deer,
And sets me on my high places.”
(2 Samuel 22:33-34)

“The Lord upholds all who fall,
And raises up all who are bowed down.
The eyes of all look expectantly to You,
And You give them their food in due season.
You open Your hand
And satisfy the desire of every living thing.”
(Psalm 145:14-16)

“The Lord is righteous in all His ways,
Gracious in all His works.
The Lord is near to all who call upon Him,
To all who call upon Him in truth.
He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him;
He also will hear their cry and save them.”
(Psalm 145:17-19)

“Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.”  (Ephesians 3:20-21)