Five Words All Wives Need to Be Okay with Saying (and All Husbands Need to Be Okay with Hearing)

By Taisa Efseaff Maffey

Recently, I had an interesting conversation with a small group of women, two of whom had just quit their full-time jobs and were transitioning into either working part-time or solely at home.  I immediately related to these women because just a year and a half ago, I decided to quit my own job and become a stay-at-home wife.  (You can read all about why I did it HERE.)

These women brought up questions and feelings that I myself had pondered a year and a half ago and, if I’m being honest, sometimes still struggle with to this day.  Questions like, “Is it smart or fair to make my husband the sole breadwinner for our family?  Will I be contributing enough to our household without a paycheck?  Should I be doing more?  What will people think?”  Feelings of insecurity, guilt, and fear.  I was happy to address concerns like these and share some of my own experience and insight with these women, but after our conversation ended, I felt like there was still so much more I had to say on the subject.

But before I do, I want to give the disclaimer that I’m writing this post for women who are struggling under the pressure and burden of working an outside job AND being a good wife/mom AND running a household AND maintaining their health and their family’s health AND having a sparkling personality and top-notch attitude all at the same time.

If you’re a woman who is handling all of that like a champ and doesn’t mind and feels that her marriage is strong and happy and her kids are thriving, then hey, keep doing what you’re doing.  But if you’re like I was a year and a half ago, and you don’t feel like you’re handling everything all that great, or at least one of those areas in life is kind of unraveling (or YOU are), then I simply want to share with you that there may be a better way.

I have to admit it wasn’t until I got married that I became passionate about the topic and concept of womanhood.  Even though I didn’t get married until I was 28, I never really felt like a Woman until that point.  I always felt like I was just a girl when I was single.  But when I got married, I suddenly felt very grown-up and womanly in my role as a wife.  Of course, there’s the fun and romantic aspect of being a wife, hanging out with your husband and being all, “I’m so in love with you!!!”, but then there’s also the unavoidable everyday life stuff, the “taking-care-of-business” part…

I don’t know that I can say this about every woman, and maybe my perspective is skewed by growing up with very strong, very domestically skilled Russian women in my family, but my observations and experience have led me to believe that women tend to have this unique instinct that impels them to automatically and continually assess what needs to be done in the home… and then get it done (e.g., “Do we have enough food in the house for the week?  What meals can I make with what we have on hand?  Do we have clean clothes for the week?  It’s time to wash the bedding again.  The bathroom’s getting pretty bad; it’ll have to be cleaned this week.”)  Basically, my observations and experience have led me to believe that women are usually the ones who keep things running smoothly (and clean!) at home.

Again, I don’t know that I can say this about every man, but as a woman who has now lived with a father, a brother, an uncle, a male cousin, a male family member, and a husband, my observations and experience have been that men generally do not have this same instinct.  When it comes to home life, I’ve observed, men are mostly content to let things go until something requires immediate attention (e.g., “I’m hungry and there’s nothing to eat so I’ll order a pizza,” or “I have no more clean underwear so I guess I’ll have to do some laundry,” or “The hole in my pajama pants has gotten really big; I should get some new ones soon.”)  Women, on the other hand, try to prevent things from getting to that point.

In a study performed just last year, the Bureau of Labor Statistics confirmed my assessment by revealing that, year after year, women continue to do considerably more cooking and housework than men, even though most married households are dual-income.  For these reasons, in my previous post on this subject, I refer to married women and mothers who work full-time as working “double-duty.”

In other words, married women and mothers who work full-time put in the same hours at an outside job as their husbands (assuming their husbands also work full-time), but then come home and do the lion’s share of the cooking and housework, and often grocery shopping, running errands, and parenting-related tasks as well.  Therefore, women who are wives and mothers and who work full-time jobs tend to work significantly more hours in a week than their husbands.

I wasn’t alive when the feminist anthem “I’m a Woman” came out and was made famous by Peggy Lee back in 1962, but I remember watching Vonda Shepard, Lisa Nicole Carson, and Jane Krakowski perform a powerful version of it on Ally McBeal in the 90s.  Here’s a clip of the song with lyrics so you can read (or sing) along:

Impressive, right?  “I can rub and scrub this old house ’til it’s shinin’ like a dime; feed my baby, grease the car, and powder my face at the same time.”  Then there’s the famous commercial from the late 70s for the perfume, Enjoli, which included some new lyrics:

“I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never let you forget you’re a man.”  These songs depict a woman who cleans, cooks, and gets her errands done no problem; she makes herself look nice; attends to all her man’s needs; she earns money, pays the bills, and still manages to have money left over at the end of the month.  And she doesn’t even require more than an hour of sleep at night!

Aside from the catchy tune, I find this song pretty ridiculous.  And yet, it contains a concept of womanhood that, however exaggerated in the song, has been heavily propagated down through the decades, to the point where we still feel its effects today.  Well, here’s a fun little fact for you: “I’m a Woman” was not written by a woman at all but by two men, Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller.

So this concept of the woman who can do it all – work an outside job, clean, cook, take care of children, go grocery shopping and run errands, manage the finances well, and be an attentive, attractive, and sensual wife who still has the time and inclination to go out and have fun (instead of choosing to take a nap!) – was created by… MEN.  This is not a real woman, people; it is a fantasy that two men invented from their imaginations.

When we turn to the Bible, it is interesting to note that women are never charged with the responsibility of providing financially for their families.  Rather, after the Fall in the Garden of Eden, God told man that he would be cursed to work for provisions all the days of his life, while woman was cursed with severe pain in childbearing and the struggle in accepting her husband’s leadership (Genesis 3:16-19).

In the New Testament, Apostle Paul admonishes men, “But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Timothy 5:8).  Also in the New Testament, Apostle Paul relays to Titus that he wants the older women to teach the younger women “to love their husbands, to love their children,” to be “keepers at home” (KJV) and “managers of their households” (ISV) (Titus 2:4-5).

According to the Bible, practically speaking, the primary responsibility of husbands is to work and provide for their families, and the primary responsibility of wives is to care for their husbands and children and manage their households.  When either partner does not fulfill their role and take care of their responsibilities, dysfunction and strife are not far behind.  This is because it forces the other partner to compensate by taking on an additional role and responsibilities.  (Think about the hardship a man puts his wife and children in if he is lazy and does not work or contents himself with doing the bare minimum in a dead-end job.  Think about the frustration a woman causes her husband and the insecurity she makes her children feel if she’s not taking care of their needs, making sure they have regular meals to eat and appropriate, clean clothing to wear.)

Why this difference in callings for men and women?  I believe it’s because neither men nor women can handle both areas of life simultaneously very well.  One area or the other will always be compromised to some extent because it’s a heavy burden to place the responsibilities and stress of both a work life and a home life on one marriage partner.  I also believe God gave men and women each the primary role that they were best suited to handle.

This is not to say that women can’t do more than cooking, cleaning, and child-rearing.  This is not to say that men can’t handle domestic tasks.  However, it is interesting to note what it says in Genesis after the creation of man:

“And the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.’  […]  And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place.  Then the rib which the Lord God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man.”  (Genesis 2:18, 21-22)

From the very beginning, God acknowledged that man wouldn’t do very well on his own.  Men need help; they need the skillset that women bring to the table.  Proverbs 18:22 says it another way: “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord.”

This is simply to say not one of us, man or woman alike, can do it all, and dividing up the workload according to the Biblical design may very well prove the most efficient and peaceful way to run a household and maintain a happy marriage.  I know that’s been the case for Ethan and I, and a great many of our friends and family as well.

My point is not to suggest that women who work outside the home are doing something wrong or are bad wives and mothers.  Not at all.  My own mom was a working wife and mother.  Even the Proverbs 31 woman worked on the side and generated income.  My point is to convey that God did not create women with the intention or expectation that they bear the burden of working double-duty, and I want women (and men, for that matter) to recognize that society’s expectations of women are both unrealistic and unfair.  I hate that so many women have been deceived into believing they should be able to do it all, only to feel bad when they struggle under the pressure or feel that they’re failing in some respect… or feel guilty if they’re not “doing it all.”

In Ephesians 5, men are told “to love their own wives as their own bodies,” by nurturing and cherishing them; and that “he who loves his wife loves himself” (28-29).  Again, God created men with the primary responsibility to lead, protect, and provide for their wives and families.  As much as is in our control, I believe we as women need to step back and let them.  For a lot of women, this starts by being okay with saying and communicating to their husbands, “I can’t do it all.”

Again, I’m not saying that all married women and mothers should stay home and not work outside jobs.  For many, this is simply not an option.  And there are women who choose to have jobs and careers they find gratifying, which I think is great insofar as it doesn’t compromise their primary role as wife and mother.  But I do think we all need to question whether our lifestyle #1) actually reflects our priorities, and #2) is the best thing for everyone in the family.

I also want to say this: I’ve spent a lot of time discussing the “taking-care-of-business” part of being a wife and running a household because it’s the necessary, practical, visible work that can most directly compare with an outside job’s responsibilities and tasks (though I barely even touched on the work involved when it comes to taking care of children and parenting!).  But hopefully every woman knows there is so much more to being a wife than the physical work.

Being a wife means being responsible for someone other than yourself.  The truth of the matter is when you’re married, you’re only doing as well as your partner is.  It doesn’t matter if you’re both adults who previously managed yourselves fine on your own.  Marriage is about putting your partner first, helping each other, taking care of each other’s needs, and supporting each other.  When you focus on taking care of your partner and building them up, you’re enabling them to do the same for you.

Specifically, though, what does this look like for wives?  Ephesians 5:33 says, “Let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”  It’s interesting the distinction made in this verse, that husbands are to love their wives while women are to respect their husbands.  This doesn’t mean the converse doesn’t also apply, but the wording suggests that it is of primary importance for wives to show their husbands respect, even more than love.

What happens when a man doesn’t feel respected by his wife?  He might get angry, he might look for that feeling of respect from somewhere or someone else, or he might give up trying to earn respect altogether.  Any one of these scenarios results in serious problems, if not disaster, for the marriage.

For the record, from what I’ve observed, men who fill the role of sole provider for their family maintain a very real, even primal sense of masculine pride, especially when their work and provision is received with respect and gratitude by their wives and families.  In turn, those men are much more happy, loving, and attentive towards their wives and families.  This is not surprising if you look at marriage from a Biblical perspective and understand it to be a symbiotic relationship where a wife’s respect incites a husband’s love and a husband’s loving devotion and provision fosters a wife’s respect.

I bring up the wife’s role in relation to her husband because it is often the first thing that suffers when a wife is overworked, stressed, and tired – the all too common result of working double-duty.

Marriages don’t maintain themselves.  Wives need to listen to their husbands, encourage and praise them, and treat them with respect, love, and affection.  This is super hard for wives to do when they’ve already given everything they’ve got to getting kids ready in the morning and dropping them off at daycare or school, to working an outside job, to fighting traffic and picking up kids from daycare or school, to getting groceries in the fridge and dinner on the table, to helping kids with homework and baths, to washing and folding laundry, to walking the dog, watering the garden, and shaving their legs.

Somewhere, something has to give.  So do you allow your marriage to continue on as is and hope it survives?  Do you try to convince yourself, “The kids are all right.  This is just a phase.  They’re resilient.”?  Do you go to your doctor and get a prescription for Prozac or Xanax?  Again, we need to question whether our lifestyle #1) actually reflects our priorities, and #2) is the best thing for everyone in the family.

One final verse I want to leave you with, and it’s a sobering one:

“The wise woman builds her house,
But the foolish pulls it down with her hands.”  (Proverbs 14:1)

Are you the wise woman or the foolish woman?  How are you handling the areas of life you’re responsible for as a wife and mother?

If something in your home life is amiss, I encourage you to be the wise woman and focus on making the necessary changes to repair the damage and build your house back up.  If this means talking with your husband about making changes to your lifestyle, I again encourage you to be brave enough and humble enough to admit that you can’t do it all.  What’s more, give yourself some grace and remind yourself that God doesn’t expect you to.