Avoiding the D-word, Part V

By Taisa Efseaff Maffey

King Solomon, with all his wisdom, had this to say:

“Two are better than one,

Because they have a good reward for their labor.

For if they fall, one will lift up his companion.

But woe to him who is alone when he falls,

For he has no one to help him up.

Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm;

But how can one be warm alone?

Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him.

And a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)

I read this passage as an encouraging reminder of how great marriage is.  God created marriage to be an amazing cooperation of two people working together, helping each other, comforting each other, protecting each other, and finding strength together as a unit.  Marriage is a good thing.  It’s us who often turn it into something complicated, frustrating, ugly, and painful.

I spent a lot of time in the previous sections talking about Satan’s agenda to wreck marriages.  But here’s the great news: “Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him.  And a threefold cord is not quickly broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:12).  Hopefully I’ve made it clear by now that you and your spouse can avoid ever resorting to divorce by fortifying your marriage – banding together as a couple, putting each other first and forsaking all others, and refusing to indulge in destructive arguments and insults.

But notice that it also says, “And a threefold cord is not quickly broken.”  The threefold cord that I picture in my head is basically a braid made up of three strands.  One strand on its own is thin and pretty weak.  If you wrap one strand around another, it’s a little thicker and stronger, but when you take three strands and interweave them to create a braid, you’ve got a cord that is pretty sturdy and difficult to break.  If you think of you and your spouse as two of those folds or strands, the third fold in the cord that makes it even stronger and resistant to breakage refers to God.  In other words, the couple who wraps their marriage around God, following His design for marriage, has the strongest marriage and the best components for success.

No marriage is perfect, no man is the perfect husband, and no woman is the perfect wife.  But if we submit ourselves and our marriages in humility to God and His instructions for living, His grace covers our shortcomings: “But He gives more grace.  Therefore He says: ‘God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.’  Therefore submit to God.  Resist the devil and he will flee from you.” (James 4:6-7; emphasis added).

Don’t be so proud that you refuse to put your marriage and your spouse first.  Be humble enough to sacrifice what you want for the good of the marriage.  Be humble enough to ask God for His help and wisdom.  Be humble enough to apologize and reconcile when necessary, even if it means having to make the first move.  Don’t be so proud that you’re unwilling to forgive.  Remember that Christ has forgiven you.

“And above all things have fervent love for one another, for ‘love will cover a multitude of sins.’” (1 Peter 4:8)

Re-read Avoiding the D-word, Part I, or Part II, or Part III, or Part IV.

Avoiding the D-word, Part IV

By Taisa Efseaff Maffey

Safeguard #3: Know who your enemy is… and who it’s not.

"Do you renounce Satan and all his works and all his pomps?"

Yup, I’m talking about Satan again.  Marriage is a battlefield, but not in the way a lot of people think.  Sometimes it’s easy to feel like you’re going head-to-head against your spouse, like they’re your opponent, even your enemy.  After all, they are the one you may disagree with, argue with, get annoyed at, feel hurt or disappointed by, etc.  But the truth is your spouse is not the enemy.  Rather, in the Bible, it’s always Satan who is the enemy.  “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but […] against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms” (Ephesians 6:12).

I’m not saying you should never have conflicts with your spouse.  That’s not a realistic expectation, and in fact I think couples grow closer by working out their differences… but together, not against each other.  Don’t try to win arguments, be the one who’s Right, or be the one who has the last word.  “But avoid foolish and ignorant disputes, knowing that they generate strife” (2 Timothy 2:23).  Remember that Satan “walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.” (1 Peter 5:8).  Stop and recognize those fights for what they are: Satan trying to devour your marriage through contention and discord.

Think of it this way: Whenever you respond to your spouse in anger, whenever you cut down your spouse with your words, whenever you distance yourself from your spouse, whenever you refuse to fulfill your own role in the marriage, you’re just giving Satan a stronger foothold to bring your marriage down.  So if you want to resist Satan and ultimately defeat his attacks on your marriage, reconcile your differences with your spouse as quickly as possible:

“‘Be angry, and do not sin’: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil.” (Ephesians 4:26-27)

“Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice.  And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:31-32)

“Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.  But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection.” (Colossians 3:12-14)

I know, the things these verses tell us to do can seem absolutely impossible when we’re upset, hurt, or angry.  But remember that verse in James?  “Therefore submit to God.  Resist the devil and he will flee from you” (4:7).  The truth is when we submit ourselves to doing things God’s way and we relinquish our pride, our wills, and our emotions to Him, He gives us the wisdom, humility, and strength to do the right thing – to be loving, kind, and reconciliatory to our spouses – even when we otherwise don’t feel like it and don’t feel like we can do it on our own.  But once we do, Satan will flee from us and we will have the victory in reclaiming our marriage, one squashed fight at a time.

“I say then: Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh.  For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish.  But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.” (Galatians 5:16-18)

Continue on to Avoiding the D-word, Part V, or re-read Part I, or Part II, or Part III.

Avoiding the D-word, Part III

By Taisa Efseaff Maffey

Safeguard #2: Honor your spouse.

This is an extension of the first safeguard, but I wanted to set it apart specifically to give it extra weight.

Most people know the commandment, “You shall not commit adultery” (Exodus 20:14), and I think most people would agree with it: cheating on your spouse is wrong.  But when Jesus talked about this verse, He took it a huge step further: “‘You have heard that it was said to those of old, “You shall not commit adultery.”  But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart’” (Matthew 5:27-28).  Wow.  That’s heavy, isn’t it?  To even look at someone who is not your spouse in a desirous way is the same as cheating on your spouse.  Let that sink in for a second.

Using Jesus’ definition, adultery is not limited to a sexual affair with another person but encompasses infidelity that takes place through the eyes, in the mind, and in the heart.  This would include looking at sexual images or other people in a lustful way, admiring someone other than your spouse in a romantic way, or doing anything to foster an intimate relationship, whether physically or emotionally, with someone other than your spouse.

This definition may seem extreme to some people.  We’ve all heard jokes made about pornography that make light of it and jokes about couples harboring crushes on celebrities.  Some guys will openly admire the way another woman looks… in front of their wives.  I’ve also heard of wives who send their husbands off to bachelor parties with, “Remember, you can look but don’t touch!”  And I know some couples think it’s perfectly fine for the husband to have female friends and for the wife to have male friends to interact with separately from their spouse.

But for those people who think those kinds of things are okay, I would have to ask, “Does it honor your spouse to do that?  Does it show them respect and loyalty?  Does it make them feel treasured?  Does it show reverence for your marriage?”

In 1 Thessalonians, it says, “Abstain from all appearance of evil” (5:22).  This is a good principle to follow when it comes to our marriages and interactions with members of the opposite sex.  Rather than debating about that line we shouldn’t cross, why not make it the goal to honor our spouses in everything?  In other words, cut out anything in our lives that doesn’t show our spouses complete respect, faithfulness, and the highest favor.  This not only blesses our spouses and our marriages, but it is a major safeguard against divorce.

The fact is just like everything else, adultery has a beginning.  Affairs don’t just happen.  They start with something – a look, a compliment, a flirtatious laugh, a private conversation about personal matters, an emotional connection, a hand on the arm, a hug that lasts a little too long.  A spouse might argue that they like having friends of the opposite sex and that those friendships are completely innocuous.  Well, they are until they aren’t.

There are several places in the Book of Proverbs that talk about the dangers of adultery.  These particular verses give great advice:

“Drink water from your own cistern,

And running water from your own well.

Should your fountains be dispersed abroad,
Streams of water in the streets?
Let them be only your own,
And not for strangers with you.

Let your fountain be blessed,

And rejoice with the wife of your youth.” (Proverbs 5:15-18)

Using the imagery of water, this passage is instructing to invest in your own marriage and receive refreshment and satisfaction from your own spouse, not from another.

Early on in our relationship, Ethan and I agreed that it wasn’t appropriate for either of us to spend one-on-one time with members of the opposite sex.  Of course we could still have friends of the opposite sex, but any interaction or communication with them was with both of us present or with others around.  Besides, what could we get from other friendships that we weren’t already getting from each other?  Ethan and I are best friends; I don’t have any use for other guy friends, and Ethan has no need for additional female friends in his life.  My argument is that when you make your spouse your Favorite, there is no need for any other.

Additionally, if we’re watching TV or a movie where there are sexualized images, Ethan and I close our eyes or turn our heads away.  Unfortunately, these days we even have to do that with some commercials.  In the Book of Psalms, King David declares, “I will set nothing wicked before my eyes” (101:3a).  Another translation reads, “I will refuse to look at anything vile and vulgar” (NLT).  Furthermore, Jesus taught, “‘The lamp of the body is the eye.  If therefore your eye is good, your whole body will be full of light.  But if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness.  If therefore the light that is in you is darkness, how great is that darkness!’” (Matthew 6:22-23).

Because men are more visual than women, it is especially important for men to protect what they let their eyes see.  For any guys reading this, I can tell you from personal experience that you will honor your wife so much and make her feel so treasured when she sees you taking purposeful measures to avoid looking at inappropriate images of other women as well as women in real life who are dressed in revealing clothes.  It will convey to your wife that she is the only woman you care about and desire, and it will make her feel so loved.

Continue on to Avoiding the D-word, Part IV, or re-read Part I or Part II.

Avoiding the D-word, Part II

By Taisa Efseaff Maffey

Safeguard #1: Treasure your spouse.

Jesus said, “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Matthew 6:21).  Think about how you treat a material possession you have that you treasure – a car, a fancy dress, a piece of expensive jewelry, an antique piece of furniture, a gigantic TV, a special family keepsake.  Do you leave it lying around somewhere where it’s vulnerable to being damaged or lost?  Of course not.  Because you care about it and even have emotional attachment to it, you take careful measures to protect it from anything or anyone that can cause it harm or take it away from you.  How much more do we need to protect our marriages and keep them safe?  The first step is to treasure your spouse.

I think a common problem in marriage today is we’re not serious enough or vigilant about our marriages; we gradually begin to take our spouses for granted and treat them casually.  We get duped into thinking marriage is self-cleaning; it maintains itself as we go about our daily, weekly, and monthly activities.  It’s easy to allow our spouse to slip down the list of priorities when we feel there are so many other things that demand our attention first – jobs, bills, kids, pets, housework, and the list goes on.  We think the spouse can wait – they’ll still be there once we attend to everything else – but this ultimately puts our spouse (and our marriage) in the precarious position of being at the bottom of the list.  Let’s face it, things at the bottom of the list tend to fall by the wayside.  In other words, low priority spouse = dead marriage.

While we were in the early stages of our relationship and falling in love, one of the mushier texts Ethan and I would send each other was, “You’re my Favorite.”  (Notice that “Favorite” is capitalized.)  We still say that to each other today.  It may seem like a cutesy statement, but we mean it in a deep way (hence the capitalization) to declare to each other that above anyone and everything else (except for the Lord), we view each other as #1 – the very best, the most important, and our first preference every time.  Every time we say that to each other, we’re saying, “I choose YOU; I want YOU.”

Now, I recognize every couple is different, and other couples may not express their love verbally as much as they do in other ways (though I would argue that it’s important for every couple to have some verbal expression of love in their relationship).  But the point is making your spouse your treasure – treating them like they’re the greatest person you know and making them feel that they are most important and precious in your life, that they are your Favorite.  This means that they are more important than your job, getting the housework done, your favorite sports team, your “me-time,” your own family members, even your kids.

Yup, I said it: Your spouse should come first before your children.  I think it’s safe to say this is harder for women than it is for men.  Starting at conception, kids are born to be dependent on their moms.  This dependency lessens as they grow older, but it’s still always there.  Moms, in turn, have an innate compulsion to care for and protect their children, which is as God intended, but not to the extent that women treat their kids better than their husbands.  In Titus 2:4, it is written that women are to love their husbands (first) and their children (second).  Dr. Laura Schlessinger also writes about this in her truly necessary book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands:

“Literally hundreds of men have written to me about their pain with being marginalized after the children were born.  Once their wives became mothers, they had no time to be wives.  The men would even compliment their wives on being great mothers, but expressed considerable pain over not being shown love, affection, or sexual interest.  The typical reply from a wife challenged with this was ‘I only have time to take care of one person, and our child is that person.  I’m just too tired for you.’

“This puts fathers in the ugly and uncomfortable position of feeling competitive with and resentful of their children, whom they love so much.  They miss the affection, companionship, and lovemaking they used to share with their wives.  They feel put aside and shut out and unimportant.” (28)

On the most basic level, the following verse encapsulates how we should be treating our spouses: “Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband” (Ephesians 5:33).  It’s interesting the distinction made in this verse, that husbands are to love their wives while women are to respect their husbands.  This doesn’t mean the converse doesn’t also apply, but the wording suggests that it is of primary importance for men to show their wives love and for wives to show their husbands respect.

What happens when a man doesn’t feel respected by his wife?  He might get angry a lot, he might give up trying in the marriage altogether, or he might look for that feeling of respect from somewhere or someone else.  What happens when a woman doesn’t feel loved by her husband?  She might whine, nag, become cold and withdrawn, or again, she might look for that feeling of love from somewhere or someone else.  Any one of these scenarios results in serious problems, if not disaster, for the marriage.

Bottom line: Make your spouse feel treasured.  Don’t neglect them.  Don’t criticize them.  Don’t make fun of them.  Treat them better than you treat anyone else.  Brag about them to other people, especially when your spouse is around and can hear you.  Take care of them, do things for them, put their needs first.  Compliment them, encourage them, tell them you appreciate them.  Husbands, tell your wives how much you love them, how gorgeous they are, and how thankful you are for everything that they do.  Wives, tell your husbands you respect them for their hard work and admire them for some of their more manly qualities.  (I’ve never met a man who doesn’t like to be recognized as manly.)

As a side-note, I recommend reading The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman, which discusses the different ways in which people demonstrate their love to others and desire to receive love from others, which may in fact be different.  For example, I tend to show my love by doing acts of service, but the way I feel the most loved is when I receive words of support, encouragement, or praise.  Ethan is different from me.  While I know he appreciates the things I do for him, he feels most loved when we’re spending time together, even if it’s just watching TV.  If you don’t get around to reading the book, you and your spouse can discover your love languages by taking a quiz on the Web site: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/.

Work Cited:

Schlessinger, Laura. The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. HarperCollins Publishers, 2004.

Continue on to Avoiding the D-word, Part III, or re-read Part I.

Avoiding the D-word, Part I

By Taisa Efseaff Maffey

[DISCLAIMER: Because divorce is such a sensitive subject for a lot of people, I want to be clear that the purpose of this post is not to bash anyone who’s been divorced.  Nor is the purpose of this post to argue that divorce is never an option; there are in fact a couple of legitimate grounds for divorce in the Bible, but that goes beyond the scope of this post, so I’m acknowledging the fact that those reasons exist here, upfront, to avoid misunderstanding.  This post is simply written from the assumption that most people would rather have a happy marriage than get divorced.  This post is also written from my personal perspective that the happiest, strongest marriages result from following Biblical principles.]

When I started this blog, I wasn’t quite sure what shape it would take or what exact topics I would cover, but I was resolute about one thing: I wouldn’t write just for the sake of having something to post.  We are all barraged by content everywhere we turn online.  If you read one article or watch one video, five more pop up as suggestions.  There’s always someone or something vying for your attention, trying to get you interested in what they’re doing or selling.  I’ve never had lofty ambitions for this blog other than I decided I would only write blog posts when I had something I felt strongly was worth writing and worth reading.  For this reason, I haven’t posted anything in over four months.

During that time, I’ve thought of a lot of different ideas to explore as blog posts, but each idea quickly fizzled out.  The more time passed, the more I tried to come up with a plan about what to write next, but I just didn’t feel that I had God’s confirmation about any of my ideas.  And yet, there was one particular topic I didn’t want to write about but couldn’t get out of my head.

Over the past few months, it seems like I haven’t been able to stop hearing about couples who were separating, considering divorce, getting divorced, or dealing with the difficult, painful aftermath of divorce.  I know this isn’t unusual.  Divorce is a ubiquitous aspect of modern day society.  Nevertheless, it hurts my heart when I hear about people who are struggling in their marriages, even when they’re people I barely know.

Every married person (or I’d like to think every married person) has experienced the thrill and fun and romance that leads up to marriage – meeting and getting to know each other, dating, falling in love, creating memories, getting and being engaged, planning the wedding.  There’s really nothing like it.  And then of course there’s the joy of marriage itself – always having your best friend with you; living in your own little world of shared silliness, private looks, and inside jokes; connecting in emotional and physical intimacy; banding together as a team that privately protests together against the injustice of bad movies, bad dining experiences, and bad drivers.  (Or maybe that last example is just me and Ethan?)

So when I hear about a couple who is getting a divorce, I can’t help but think, “What HAPPENED?  How do you go from being a couple who was once in love and affectionate towards each other, who loved being together and presumably thought so well of each other… to a couple who can’t have a conversation without fighting, who can’t stand to be in the same room together, who can’t seem to find anything good in each other or in their marriage that’s worth holding onto and not giving up?  Where did it all go wrong?”  It’s gut-wrenching to see how ugly and painful and messy things get when a marriage falls apart, especially when you compare it to how beautiful and happy relationships typically are in the beginning.

We all know or at least can imagine the devastation that divorce brings – the breaking apart of two lives that were once knit together in unity; the shattering of expectations of what you thought your life would look like; feelings of hurt, anger, rejection, betrayal, regret, and failure; the emotional and logistical hardship it causes any children involved – but what also makes divorce a tragedy, as I see it, is how avoidable it is.

I know that goes contrary to what seems to be the general consensus today.  We’ve all heard it said, “There are no guarantees!” when it comes to marriage, along with “You can never truly know a person,” and “People change! People grow apart! They’re not the same people as they were when they got married,” and “Just as people can fall in love, people can fall out of love.”  While it’s true that no one has any direct control over their spouse’s personality, character, or choices, the Bible teaches that each spouse is still individually responsible for fulfilling their own designated role in their marriage, and by following God’s design for marriage as outlined in the Bible, we can by and large avoid resorting to divorce.  Here’s why:

God created marriage.  After He created the universe and declared that everything He created was good, God created Adam and then said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him” (Genesis 2:18; emphasis added), and He created Eve to be Adam’s wife.  “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).  The Book of Proverbs adds this commentary: “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord” (18:22).

Therefore, since God created woman for the good of man, since God created marriage as a good thing, since God designed marriage so that a man and a woman join themselves together physically, emotionally, and legally for their mutual benefit, that means… drumroll, please… God is PRO-MARRIAGE.  When asked about divorce by the Pharisees, Jesus instructed, “Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate” (Mark 10:9).  Once a man and woman say, “I do,” God desires the marriage to thrive and last permanently.

But just as God is the #1 advocate for marriage, Satan is the #1 adversary against marriage.  Yes, Satan exists, and he is against anything and everything that God has created for good.  The Bible teaches, “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.” (1 Peter 5:8).  Satan wants nothing better than to cause rifts and create distance in your relationship with your spouse, to break up your covenant before God, to break up your family, and to open up permanent emotional wounds in your children.  With the carnage of failed marriages all around us, we can deduce that this type of destruction is a specialty of Satan’s.  He’s very good at ruining lives… but only if we let him.

Notice the beginning of that verse: “Be sober, be vigilant.”  And the verse that immediately follows instructs us to “Resist him [Satan], steadfast in the faith[…]” (1 Peter 5:9a).  We are warned that we need to be serious and watchful for tactics that Satan might use to try to bring us down.  And we are instructed to resist his tactics by holding on to God’s truth and living in obedience to it.  In other words, we have a part to play; it is up to us to resist Satan’s attacks, because they will likely come.

This may seem like a silly example, but as early as when we were still dating, Ethan and I started to notice that we would often get into a fight right before we were about to go do something together that we had been really looking forward to.  I’m sorry to say there were more than a couple date nights foiled because we got into an argument right before.  We finally put it together after one of those arguments, when one of us made the comment, “You know, it seems like every time we’re about to go out for sushi, we get into a fight!”  (We both love sushi.)  Fast-forward to our honeymoon in Maui, when we were walking around downtown Lahaina, waiting for our reservation time at (what else?) a sushi restaurant, and sure enough we got into a fight.  Thankfully, before it went on too long, I suddenly stopped and said, “Ethan.  The only reason we’re fighting is because we’re about to go have sushi!” and I threw my arms around him.  Without another word, we grabbed each other’s hands and kept walking.

“Let love be without hypocrisy.  Abhor what is evil.  Cling to what is good.” (Romans 12:9)

We need to start thinking about our marriages as a big, fat target for Satan.  Remember in 1 Peter, we are instructed to “Resist him [Satan], steadfast in the faith[…]” (5:9a; emphasis added).  Again in James, it tells us, “Therefore submit to God.  Resist the devil and he will flee from you” (4:7; emphasis added).  So how do we resist Satan in this area?  The answer is to fortify your marriage.  I like the word “fortify” because it means “to protect or strengthen against attack; surround or provide with defensive military works.”  More specifically, in order to fortify your marriage, you need to put up safeguards.  A safeguard is “something that serves as a protection or defense or that ensures safety” (www.dictionary.com).  In the next few posts, I’m going to talk about three essential safeguards you can start putting up immediately, if you haven’t done so already.

Continue on to Avoiding the D-word, Part II.