Five Words All Wives Need to Be Okay with Saying (and All Husbands Need to Be Okay with Hearing)

By Taisa Efseaff Maffey

Recently, I had an interesting conversation with a small group of women, two of whom had just quit their full-time jobs and were transitioning into either working part-time or solely at home.  I immediately related to these women because just a year and a half ago, I decided to quit my own job and become a stay-at-home wife.  (You can read all about why I did it HERE.)

These women brought up questions and feelings that I myself had pondered a year and a half ago and, if I’m being honest, sometimes still struggle with to this day.  Questions like, “Is it smart or fair to make my husband the sole breadwinner for our family?  Will I be contributing enough to our household without a paycheck?  Should I be doing more?  What will people think?”  Feelings of insecurity, guilt, and fear.  I was happy to address concerns like these and share some of my own experience and insight with these women, but after our conversation ended, I felt like there was still so much more I had to say on the subject.

But before I do, I want to give the disclaimer that I’m writing this post for women who are struggling under the pressure and burden of working an outside job AND being a good wife/mom AND running a household AND maintaining their health and their family’s health AND having a sparkling personality and top-notch attitude all at the same time.

If you’re a woman who is handling all of that like a champ and doesn’t mind and feels that her marriage is strong and happy and her kids are thriving, then hey, keep doing what you’re doing.  But if you’re like I was a year and a half ago, and you don’t feel like you’re handling everything all that great, or at least one of those areas in life is kind of unraveling (or YOU are), then I simply want to share with you that there may be a better way.

I have to admit it wasn’t until I got married that I became passionate about the topic and concept of womanhood.  Even though I didn’t get married until I was 28, I never really felt like a Woman until that point.  I always felt like I was just a girl when I was single.  But when I got married, I suddenly felt very grown-up and womanly in my role as a wife.  Of course, there’s the fun and romantic aspect of being a wife, hanging out with your husband and being all, “I’m so in love with you!!!”, but then there’s also the unavoidable everyday life stuff, the “taking-care-of-business” part…

I don’t know that I can say this about every woman, and maybe my perspective is skewed by growing up with very strong, very domestically skilled Russian women in my family, but my observations and experience have led me to believe that women tend to have this unique instinct that impels them to automatically and continually assess what needs to be done in the home… and then get it done (e.g., “Do we have enough food in the house for the week?  What meals can I make with what we have on hand?  Do we have clean clothes for the week?  It’s time to wash the bedding again.  The bathroom’s getting pretty bad; it’ll have to be cleaned this week.”)  Basically, my observations and experience have led me to believe that women are usually the ones who keep things running smoothly (and clean!) at home.

Again, I don’t know that I can say this about every man, but as a woman who has now lived with a father, a brother, an uncle, a male cousin, a male family member, and a husband, my observations and experience have been that men generally do not have this same instinct.  When it comes to home life, I’ve observed, men are mostly content to let things go until something requires immediate attention (e.g., “I’m hungry and there’s nothing to eat so I’ll order a pizza,” or “I have no more clean underwear so I guess I’ll have to do some laundry,” or “The hole in my pajama pants has gotten really big; I should get some new ones soon.”)  Women, on the other hand, try to prevent things from getting to that point.

In a study performed just last year, the Bureau of Labor Statistics confirmed my assessment by revealing that, year after year, women continue to do considerably more cooking and housework than men, even though most married households are dual-income.  For these reasons, in my previous post on this subject, I refer to married women and mothers who work full-time as working “double-duty.”

In other words, married women and mothers who work full-time put in the same hours at an outside job as their husbands (assuming their husbands also work full-time), but then come home and do the lion’s share of the cooking and housework, and often grocery shopping, running errands, and parenting-related tasks as well.  Therefore, women who are wives and mothers and who work full-time jobs tend to work significantly more hours in a week than their husbands.

I wasn’t alive when the feminist anthem “I’m a Woman” came out and was made famous by Peggy Lee back in 1962, but I remember watching Vonda Shepard, Lisa Nicole Carson, and Jane Krakowski perform a powerful version of it on Ally McBeal in the 90s.  Here’s a clip of the song with lyrics so you can read (or sing) along:

Impressive, right?  “I can rub and scrub this old house ’til it’s shinin’ like a dime; feed my baby, grease the car, and powder my face at the same time.”  Then there’s the famous commercial from the late 70s for the perfume, Enjoli, which included some new lyrics:

“I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never let you forget you’re a man.”  These songs depict a woman who cleans, cooks, and gets her errands done no problem; she makes herself look nice; attends to all her man’s needs; she earns money, pays the bills, and still manages to have money left over at the end of the month.  And she doesn’t even require more than an hour of sleep at night!

Aside from the catchy tune, I find this song pretty ridiculous.  And yet, it contains a concept of womanhood that, however exaggerated in the song, has been heavily propagated down through the decades, to the point where we still feel its effects today.  Well, here’s a fun little fact for you: “I’m a Woman” was not written by a woman at all but by two men, Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller.

So this concept of the woman who can do it all – work an outside job, clean, cook, take care of children, go grocery shopping and run errands, manage the finances well, and be an attentive, attractive, and sensual wife who still has the time and inclination to go out and have fun (instead of choosing to take a nap!) – was created by… MEN.  This is not a real woman, people; it is a fantasy that two men invented from their imaginations.

When we turn to the Bible, it is interesting to note that women are never charged with the responsibility of providing financially for their families.  Rather, after the Fall in the Garden of Eden, God told man that he would be cursed to work for provisions all the days of his life, while woman was cursed with severe pain in childbearing and the struggle in accepting her husband’s leadership (Genesis 3:16-19).

In the New Testament, Apostle Paul admonishes men, “But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Timothy 5:8).  Also in the New Testament, Apostle Paul relays to Titus that he wants the older women to teach the younger women “to love their husbands, to love their children,” to be “keepers at home” (KJV) and “managers of their households” (ISV) (Titus 2:4-5).

According to the Bible, practically speaking, the primary responsibility of husbands is to work and provide for their families, and the primary responsibility of wives is to care for their husbands and children and manage their households.  When either partner does not fulfill their role and take care of their responsibilities, dysfunction and strife are not far behind.  This is because it forces the other partner to compensate by taking on an additional role and responsibilities.  (Think about the hardship a man puts his wife and children in if he is lazy and does not work or contents himself with doing the bare minimum in a dead-end job.  Think about the frustration a woman causes her husband and the insecurity she makes her children feel if she’s not taking care of their needs, making sure they have regular meals to eat and appropriate, clean clothing to wear.)

Why this difference in callings for men and women?  I believe it’s because neither men nor women can handle both areas of life simultaneously very well.  One area or the other will always be compromised to some extent because it’s a heavy burden to place the responsibilities and stress of both a work life and a home life on one marriage partner.  I also believe God gave men and women each the primary role that they were best suited to handle.

This is not to say that women can’t do more than cooking, cleaning, and child-rearing.  This is not to say that men can’t handle domestic tasks.  However, it is interesting to note what it says in Genesis after the creation of man:

“And the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.’  […]  And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place.  Then the rib which the Lord God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man.”  (Genesis 2:18, 21-22)

From the very beginning, God acknowledged that man wouldn’t do very well on his own.  Men need help; they need the skillset that women bring to the table.  Proverbs 18:22 says it another way: “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord.”

This is simply to say not one of us, man or woman alike, can do it all, and dividing up the workload according to the Biblical design may very well prove the most efficient and peaceful way to run a household and maintain a happy marriage.  I know that’s been the case for Ethan and I, and a great many of our friends and family as well.

My point is not to suggest that women who work outside the home are doing something wrong or are bad wives and mothers.  Not at all.  My own mom was a working wife and mother.  Even the Proverbs 31 woman worked on the side and generated income.  My point is to convey that God did not create women with the intention or expectation that they bear the burden of working double-duty, and I want women (and men, for that matter) to recognize that society’s expectations of women are both unrealistic and unfair.  I hate that so many women have been deceived into believing they should be able to do it all, only to feel bad when they struggle under the pressure or feel that they’re failing in some respect… or feel guilty if they’re not “doing it all.”

In Ephesians 5, men are told “to love their own wives as their own bodies,” by nurturing and cherishing them; and that “he who loves his wife loves himself” (28-29).  Again, God created men with the primary responsibility to lead, protect, and provide for their wives and families.  As much as is in our control, I believe we as women need to step back and let them.  For a lot of women, this starts by being okay with saying and communicating to their husbands, “I can’t do it all.”

Again, I’m not saying that all married women and mothers should stay home and not work outside jobs.  For many, this is simply not an option.  And there are women who choose to have jobs and careers they find gratifying, which I think is great insofar as it doesn’t compromise their primary role as wife and mother.  But I do think we all need to question whether our lifestyle #1) actually reflects our priorities, and #2) is the best thing for everyone in the family.

I also want to say this: I’ve spent a lot of time discussing the “taking-care-of-business” part of being a wife and running a household because it’s the necessary, practical, visible work that can most directly compare with an outside job’s responsibilities and tasks (though I barely even touched on the work involved when it comes to taking care of children and parenting!).  But hopefully every woman knows there is so much more to being a wife than the physical work.

Being a wife means being responsible for someone other than yourself.  The truth of the matter is when you’re married, you’re only doing as well as your partner is.  It doesn’t matter if you’re both adults who previously managed yourselves fine on your own.  Marriage is about putting your partner first, helping each other, taking care of each other’s needs, and supporting each other.  When you focus on taking care of your partner and building them up, you’re enabling them to do the same for you.

Specifically, though, what does this look like for wives?  Ephesians 5:33 says, “Let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”  It’s interesting the distinction made in this verse, that husbands are to love their wives while women are to respect their husbands.  This doesn’t mean the converse doesn’t also apply, but the wording suggests that it is of primary importance for wives to show their husbands respect, even more than love.

What happens when a man doesn’t feel respected by his wife?  He might get angry, he might look for that feeling of respect from somewhere or someone else, or he might give up trying to earn respect altogether.  Any one of these scenarios results in serious problems, if not disaster, for the marriage.

For the record, from what I’ve observed, men who fill the role of sole provider for their family maintain a very real, even primal sense of masculine pride, especially when their work and provision is received with respect and gratitude by their wives and families.  In turn, those men are much more happy, loving, and attentive towards their wives and families.  This is not surprising if you look at marriage from a Biblical perspective and understand it to be a symbiotic relationship where a wife’s respect incites a husband’s love and a husband’s loving devotion and provision fosters a wife’s respect.

I bring up the wife’s role in relation to her husband because it is often the first thing that suffers when a wife is overworked, stressed, and tired – the all too common result of working double-duty.

Marriages don’t maintain themselves.  Wives need to listen to their husbands, encourage and praise them, and treat them with respect, love, and affection.  This is super hard for wives to do when they’ve already given everything they’ve got to getting kids ready in the morning and dropping them off at daycare or school, to working an outside job, to fighting traffic and picking up kids from daycare or school, to getting groceries in the fridge and dinner on the table, to helping kids with homework and baths, to washing and folding laundry, to walking the dog, watering the garden, and shaving their legs.

Somewhere, something has to give.  So do you allow your marriage to continue on as is and hope it survives?  Do you try to convince yourself, “The kids are all right.  This is just a phase.  They’re resilient.”?  Do you go to your doctor and get a prescription for Prozac or Xanax?  Again, we need to question whether our lifestyle #1) actually reflects our priorities, and #2) is the best thing for everyone in the family.

One final verse I want to leave you with, and it’s a sobering one:

“The wise woman builds her house,
But the foolish pulls it down with her hands.”  (Proverbs 14:1)

Are you the wise woman or the foolish woman?  How are you handling the areas of life you’re responsible for as a wife and mother?

If something in your home life is amiss, I encourage you to be the wise woman and focus on making the necessary changes to repair the damage and build your house back up.  If this means talking with your husband about making changes to your lifestyle, I again encourage you to be brave enough and humble enough to admit that you can’t do it all.  What’s more, give yourself some grace and remind yourself that God doesn’t expect you to.

Let It Go: Releasing God's Blessings in Your Life

By Taisa Efseaff Maffey

For a while now, a strange kind of theme has been coming up repeatedly in my life, but I didn’t know how to process it until very recently.  One after another lately, I’ve had to watch several people I care about making some really bad decisions in their lives.  More specifically, these are fellow Christians who have chosen to walk away from what they’ve previously known to be right in order to pursue their own whims and desires, regardless of the cost or consequences.

If you’ve ever had a loved one make truly destructive decisions, you know how hard it is to stand by and watch.  You try to reach out to them in love and give them advice or resources to help, but your words fall on deaf ears.  Then you just want to yell at the person, “Don’t you see what’s going on?!  If you would just [fill in the blank], your situation would improve and you would be so much better off!”  But if you’ve ever tried that tactic, you know it doesn’t do any good either.

It’s even worse when you witness firsthand the repercussions of those bad decisions.  You can see the harm they’re causing themselves and others.  You watch them dig themselves deeper and deeper into a hole that becomes increasingly difficult to climb out of.  The more they insist on doing what they’re doing, the further they are from what they want most.  They’re left unsatisfied.  Happiness evades them.  They may even become depressed.  But they still refuse to give up and change directions.

As a bystander, this behavior is extremely frustrating.  But my point in bringing all this up is actually not to address how to go about fixing those other people.  For better or worse, every adult is free to make their own choices, and experience has taught me there’s little any of us can do to affect their decisions.  But we do have control over our own.

Rather than focusing our attention on what other people are doing or not doing, I want us to seriously consider the decisions we make, especially whether we are making decisions that hinder us and keep us from experiencing God’s best in our lives.  Maybe we’re making decisions that we don’t personally see as being all that bad, much less destructive, by comparison to all those other people.  Let’s be honest: It’s easy to find ways to justify the things that we do.  We may even have convinced ourselves the decisions we make are logical and good.  But as they say, the proof is in the pudding.  Do the decisions we make bring God’s blessings and contribute to our wellbeing and the wellbeing of the people in our lives?  Or do they bring frustration, strife, pain, or dysfunction, even in seemingly small ways?

Sometimes, the answer is obvious.  Eating whatever we want, as much as we want, keeps us from a healthy weight and ultimately contributes to serious health problems.  Spending money irresponsibly or trying to sustain a standard of living we can’t afford leads us into debt and causes chronic stress.  Acting selfishly and inconsiderately causes rifts in our relationships and keeps people from wanting to be around us.  These are pretty basic examples of cause and effect with regard to our actions.

But other times the answer is harder to see because the effects of our decisions are much more subtle.  Personally, I find there are two red flags in particular that warn me when I’m making a decision that’s not in line with God’s will for me and/or I’m thwarting God’s work and blessing in my life.

The first red flag is what I call Resistance.  (I touched on this idea before in another post I called “The Best Prayer I Ever Prayed.”)  With Resistance, the Biblical example that immediately comes to mind is of Apostle Paul and Timothy in the New Testament, when they decide to travel to Asia Minor (known as modern day Turkey) to preach the Gospel:

“Now when they had gone through Phrygia and the region of Galatia, they were forbidden by the Holy Spirit to preach the word in Asia.  After they had come to Mysia, they tried to go into Bithynia, but the Spirit did not permit them.  So passing by Mysia, they came down to Troas.  And a vision appeared to Paul in the night. A man of Macedonia stood and pleaded with him, saying, ‘Come over to Macedonia and help us.’  Now after he had seen the vision, immediately we sought to go to Macedonia, concluding that the Lord had called us to preach the gospel to them.”  (Acts 16:6-10) (emphasis added)

I find this account fascinating.  It doesn’t say exactly how Paul and Timothy were prevented from going into Bithynia, but however it played out practically, the bottom line is they met Resistance when they made this particular decision.  Was their decision bad?  Nope.  They seem to have had the best of intentions to share the Good News of eternal salvation through Jesus Christ with people who they thought needed to hear it.  But God clearly had another plan in mind for them.

Have you ever experienced Resistance to a decision or plan you’ve made?  A decision or plan that seemed like a good idea, but – despite your best intentions and efforts – refused to pan out.  You thought it was what you were supposed to do.  It made the most sense.  Maybe this decision or course of action even worked really well for someone else you knew, but when YOU tried, it was just. not. happening.

But not only was it just not happening, this plan you made may have caused you serious grief.  The more you tried to make it happen, the more elusive were the results you desired and the more frustrated and discouraged you became.

Don’t look at moments like these as failures but rather learn to identify Resistance early on and receive it as direction from God.  If He is blocking off one way, then He’s most likely wanting you to go a different way.  As the Reverend Mother in The Sound of Music says, “When the Lord closes a door, somewhere He opens a window.”

Unfortunately, what often happens is we keep knocking on the closed door, waiting for it and willing it to open.  Some of us end up pounding on that door, determined to break it down if need be, so we can get whatever it is on the other side that we want.  This is a big mistake.  Respect the closed door.  If the Lord’s not allowing one of your decisions or plans to succeed, then He must have something else, something better, in mind for you.  Look for the open window.

“‘For My thoughts are not your thoughts,

Nor are your ways My ways,’ says the Lord.
‘For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways,
And My thoughts than your thoughts.’”
(Isaiah 55:8-9)

“Your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying,
‘This is the way, walk in it,’
Whenever you turn to the right hand
Or whenever you turn to the left.”
(Isaiah 30:21)

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.”
(Proverbs 3:5-6)

The second red flag that warns me when I’m preventing God from accomplishing His perfect will in my life is what I call The Clenched Fist.  The Clenched Fist is when we hold onto something so tightly that our hands are not open to receive from the Lord.  Generally, the thing we are clenching so tightly and refusing to let go of is something that’s not good for us, whether we understand why or not.  Often, it’s a substandard, second-rate, super lame imitation of the real thing we desire most, but we’re too afraid to let it go.  Why?  Because it’s a safety blanket, a coping mechanism, a way of avoiding or numbing pain, or it’s the closest we’ve come to feeling happiness or peace.  But it’s not real happiness.  And there is no peace.

The best illustration I have for The Clenched Fist doesn’t come from the Bible but from J. R. R. Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings.  I’ve included a short clip from the movie for your viewing pleasure:

Here’s a short list of some of the common things we hold onto.  As you read through, consider if there’s something God may be asking you to let go of in order to experience His best in your life:

Ambition
Anger
Disappointments
Envy
Expectations
Fear
Finances

Grief

Grudges

Hardheartedness

Pain
Perfection
Plans
Pride
Problems
Regrets
Selfishness
Self-sufficiency
Sin
Standard of living
Unbiblical relationships

For the record, sometimes the things we hold onto aren’t inherently bad at all.  But a problem for sure exists if we are ever unwilling to let go because we’re not trusting the Lord to fulfill our needs and do what’s best for us, in His perfect timing and perfect way.  Anything we attempt to do or hold onto by our own will and strength comes so far short of what God can do when we surrender everything to Him and rely on Him alone.

So how about it?  Are you willing to let go of whatever may be holding you back from receiving God’s best in your life?  If you’re still not there, here’s my big finish: PROMISE after PROMISE from God’s Word that He is good and truly seeks to bless those who trust in Him...

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

“Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good;
Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!
Oh, fear the Lord, you His saints!
There is no want to those who fear Him.
The young lions lack and suffer hunger;
But those who seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing.”
(Psalm 34:8-10)

“For the Lord God is a sun and shield;
The Lord will give grace and glory;
No good thing will He withhold
From those who walk uprightly.
O Lord of hosts,
Blessed is the man who trusts in You!”
(Psalm 84:11-12)

“Or what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone?  Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent?  If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!”  (Matthew 7:9-11)

“God is my strength and power,
And He makes my way perfect.
He makes my feet like the feet of deer,
And sets me on my high places.”
(2 Samuel 22:33-34)

“The Lord upholds all who fall,
And raises up all who are bowed down.
The eyes of all look expectantly to You,
And You give them their food in due season.
You open Your hand
And satisfy the desire of every living thing.”
(Psalm 145:14-16)

“The Lord is righteous in all His ways,
Gracious in all His works.
The Lord is near to all who call upon Him,
To all who call upon Him in truth.
He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him;
He also will hear their cry and save them.”
(Psalm 145:17-19)

“Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.”  (Ephesians 3:20-21)

What Does God Think about YOU?

By Taisa Efseaff Maffey

Recently, I read something really great called The Birth Order Book.  In it, psychologist Dr. Kevin Leman discusses the differences between personality types as they relate to a person’s birth order – first born, middle child, last born, and only child.  I found this book extremely helpful in better understanding myself, my siblings, my parents, my husband, and I imagine it would provide invaluable insight for parents in better understanding their children.

One of the many things I took away from this book was the concept of “life theme,” which relates to your self-image and your sense of self-worth.  Dr. Leman writes, “I like to describe anyone’s life theme in terms of ‘I only count when…’  The way you finish that sentence will tell me about your life-style and will give me some definite clues about your birth order” (233).

Some common life themes include “I only count when…”

“…everyone likes me.”

“…I keep everything going smoothly and everyone happy.”

“…I put everyone else first.”

“…I suffer.” OR “…I’m the victim.”

“…I’m in charge and in control.”

“…everyone is impressed by me.”

“…I’m in the spotlight.”

“…I win.”

When I finished that sentence for myself, I came up with two very similar versions: “I only count when I achieve” and “I only count when I get everything done perfectly.”

Now, if you’re like me and you have accepted salvation through Jesus Christ’s death and resurrection, you already understand that you’re saved by grace.  You know you aren’t good enough and can never be good enough on your own to go to heaven when you die; you can only be made right with God through Christ’s sacrificial death on the cross for your sins.  But maybe, for some reason, you still feel like you have to be good enough to earn God’s favor for the here and now.  Maybe you feel like you have to work at pleasing Him and sometimes you feel guilty that you’re somehow disappointing Him.  It’s because I struggle with this myself that I want to address it.

All my life, I’ve felt the burden of perfectionism, but only in recent years have I realized the extent to which it has permeated my sense of self-worth, even influencing my perception of my worth in God’s eyes.  It is such a sad and even dangerous place to be when you project your own self-image and feelings of self-worth onto the Lord’s thoughts toward you.  It can mean buying into lies that range from “God doesn’t really love me or think much of me” to “I’m so great or doing such a good job that God should be granting all my desires” to “I’ve suffered so much that God owes me a break because I deserve to be happy.”  Or, if you’re anything like me, you might have bought into the lie, “God is disappointed in me unless I’m doing everything perfectly.”

Thankfully, once I figure out I have something all wrong, I go to the source of Truth that will set me right.  And the way I see it, there are two primary ways to err when it comes to our perception of how God sees us:

Either we may have this sense that God is ambivalent toward us, displeased with us, disappointed in us, or even angry at us; or we may imagine that God is pretty impressed with us – with our accomplishments, with our goodness, with our suffering – and maybe even owes us a reward.  Neither perception is true or a healthy way to view our relationship with God.  But for the purpose of this post, I’m only going to deal with the first perception:

“But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8)

“But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ.” (Ephesians 2:4-5)

“Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.” (John 15:13)

If you somehow missed the gist, God loves us.  He loves us a lot.  He loves us so much that He came to earth as a man and lived a sinless and humble life only to suffer and die for our sins.  And here’s the kicker: He did it while we were still sinners.  Christ died for us as we were in our worst condition, as sinners, losers, failures, brats, jerks, no-good slobs.  If He loved us so much that He was willing to take us at our worst and call us his friends (John 15:15), then there’s nothing we can do today that will cause Him to be disappointed in us or think less of us.  He knows our weaknesses and He knows our failures.  And He loves us and wants us anyway.  He.  Loves.  Us.

 “For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.” (John 3:17)

[Jesus said to them,] “I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.” (John 10:10)

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

God thinks good thoughts toward us.  He wants what’s best for us, to give us abundant and eternal life; to give us a future and a hope.  This doesn’t mean we won’t go through difficult times, because difficult times come to everyone due to the fallen state of this world.  And this doesn’t mean there won’t be natural consequences for our actions if we choose to disobey God, or that He won’t discipline us like a loving father if we go astray (Revelation 3:19).  But these verses completely contradict the notion that God is some big, austere policeman in the sky, methodically slapping a nightstick into His hand as He watches us with disapproval, waiting for us to screw up.  No, He thinks loving thoughts toward us, thoughts of peace and not of evil.  He wants us to do well; He wants to give us a future and a hope.

“But You, O Lord, are a God full of compassion, and gracious,

Longsuffering and abundant in mercy and truth.” (Psalm 86:15)

“The Lord is merciful and gracious,

Slow to anger, and abounding in mercy.” (Psalm 103:8)

“The Lord is gracious and full of compassion,

Slow to anger and great in mercy.

The Lord is good to all,

And His tender mercies are over all His works.” (Psalm 145:8-9)

All three of these verses come from Psalms penned by David.  If you know anything about David, you know that he committed some heinous sins.  And yet, each time the Lord convicted his heart, David would turn back to Him and repent, and God would forgive him.  I don’t know about you, but I feel like I mess up a lot.  I’m not talking about sinning per se, but I often feel like I’ve let myself down, I’ve let my husband down, or I’ve let God down.  Sometimes all three.  But these verses, these personal testimonies of David, tell me that even when we mess up – regardless if it’s in a big way, a small way, or only perceived in our own minds – God is patient with us, slow to anger, and full of mercy, compassion, and grace.  Here’s a verse from another Psalm of David’s I especially love:

“For as the heavens are high above the earth,

So great is His mercy toward those who fear Him;

As far as the east is from the west,

So far has He removed our transgressions from us.

As a father pities his children,

So the Lord pities those who fear Him.

For He knows our frame;

He remembers that we are dust.” (Psalm 103:11-14)

If I’m being really honest here, that’s what I feel like sometimes: DUST.  I’ll feel like I’m not living up to my potential, not taking advantage of opportunities I have, not using my time well, I’m not as far along as I should be, or I’m just making too many mistakes.  But this verse reminds me that God recognizes my humanity; He understands my weaknesses.  And He doesn’t despise me for it – again, He’s not even disappointed in me for it! – but instead He pities me like a loving father.  It may seem strange and even offensive to think that God pities us, but check out the definition:

pity

1. sympathetic or kindly sorrow evoked by the suffering, distress, or misfortune of another, often leading one to give relief or aid or to show mercy

I’m so thankful God pities me because it means He looks upon me kindly with sympathy.  Gosh, I need that, especially when I’m frustrated with myself and feeling guilty for all the ways I’ve missed the mark.  If you’re anything like me, the best thing you can do is read verses like these over and over until they kick all those other negative voices in your head to the curb.

I know I’ve included a lot of Scriptures in this post, but if there were one that I feel carries the biggest punch, it’s this:

“There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.” (Romans 8:1) (emphasis added)

No condemnation.  There is no condemnation when you’re saved and walking with the Lord.  No condemnation for your sins; no condemnation for making mistakes; no condemnation for not being the perfect woman, the perfect wife, the perfect mother, the perfect housekeeper, the perfect cook, the perfect interior decorator; no condemnation for not having the perfect body.  Here’s why: When you accept salvation through Jesus Christ, God attributes Christ’s perfection and righteousness to YOU.  That means even though you’re a sinner and you’ll never be perfect, God sees you as whole, pure, and perfect through the lens of Christ’s perfect sacrifice.

Obviously, I’m not saying we can act however we want and God will be cool with it.  If you look at that last verse carefully, it clearly stipulates, “who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.”  God never condones sinful behavior, and there are always consequences to sin.  I’m also not saying we should stop trying to do our best or we shouldn’t try to improve ourselves.  But the bottom line is if we’re saved and walking with the Lord, there is no condemnation.  If and when you are feeling down on yourself for making mistakes or not perfectly meeting certain expectations, remind yourself of those two words: No condemnation.  No more.

“Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed,

Because His compassions fail not.

They are new every morning;

Great is Your faithfulness.” (Lamentations 3:22-23)

Work Cited:

Leman, Kevin. The Birth Order Book. Grand Rapids: Revell, 1998. Print.

Marriage is Not 50/50

By Taisa Efseaff Maffey

The Princess Bride

“Mawage.  Mawage is wot bwings us togeder today.  Mawage, that bwessed awangement, that dweam wiffin a dweam… And wuv, true wuv, will fowow you foweva… So tweasure your wuv.”

Yes, I know this is one of the most quoted movie lines, but I couldn’t help myself.  Or I could have, but didn’t want to.  One or the other.

Normally, advice on marriage is most welcome and best received when delivered by an old person who has been married for decades and therefore has seniority and marital longevity on their side.  I have neither.  I am 31 years old and have been married for two and a half years, but I don’t believe that a long marriage necessarily translates to a good marriage, and I don’t believe that a good marriage necessarily requires years and years of practice.  This isn’t arrogance speaking; it is simply my belief and experience that when two people get married and each do what the Bible tells them to do, then marriage is simple and it works.  It may not always be easy, but it is simple.

Obviously, there’s a lot that can be said about marriage.  And, there are a lot of opinions regarding what it takes to have a good marriage.  My goal is to focus on what I believe is one of the most basic and key characteristics of a good marriage.  To kick it off, here’s a classic clip from one of my all-time favorite TV shows, The Cosby Show:

I’ve always felt that Heathcliff and Clair Huxtable had one of the best TV marriages ever, but I have to admit this is one time they got it wrong.  They’re not alone, though; I’ve heard others describe marriage as “50/50 give-and-take.”  And initially, it sounds like it makes sense.  One hundred percent of anything makes up a whole, and there are two people in a marriage, so it seems logical to divide up the work that a marriage requires by the two people in it and ultimately conclude that marriage is a 50/50 partnership.  Again, on paper this sounds right, but in reality it just doesn’t work.

As soon as a couple views their marriage as something that’s broken down into two equal parts, inevitably one or both of the parties involved will begin to compare the two parts to see if they match up.  Often, one or both spouses will feel as though they are doing more than their share or that the other spouse isn’t doing their part in some respect.  This is grounds for many a fight and even divorce.

When a couple has this 50/50 approach to marriage, their investment in the marriage becomes conditional: “I’ll do my part just so long as you do yours.”  Clair offers to bring Cliff a cup of coffee because he brought her one that morning.  But what if Cliff hadn’t brought her coffee that morning, or the morning before?  Maybe then Clair offers to bring him coffee, but begrudgingly.  Maybe she does it while thinking, “Okay, but when was the last time he did this for me?”  Next thing you know, Clair stops bringing Cliff coffee altogether and they each have to get their own from then on.

This is a silly example, I know, but if a couple perceives marriage as “50/50 give-and-take,” then what happens when Spouse #1 feels that they are giving too much and Spouse #2 is taking too much?  Then Spouse #1 may begin to feel the need to give less and take more.  Soon Spouse #2 will start to feel like they’re now giving too much and they’ll start to give less and take more.  When a couple views marriage as 50/50, it very easily becomes a game of keeping score, and when that happens, nobody wins.  The Bible says that love “does not seek its own” (NKJV), and put another way, love “keeps no record of being wronged” (NLT) (1 Corinthians 13:5).

So if marriage isn’t 50/50, then what is it?  It’s 100/100.  Each person should be giving 100%.  I know, that sounds so corny and simplistic, right?  But it’s true.  One difference between a good marriage and a not-so-good marriage is the important matter of perspective.  Either you approach marriage with the question of, “What can I get out of it?” or you approach marriage with, “What do I need to put into it?”  The wise person will ask the latter.  The difference between these two approaches is the difference between being selfish or selfless; feeling resentment or feeling love; feeling unappreciated or feeling valuable; fighting or getting along.

I would like to interject something at this point, however.  And that is my personal belief and experience that women who work full-time outside the home and simultaneously shoulder most of the responsibilities at home – like housework, grocery shopping, meal planning and preparation, parenting and/or kid-related tasks, errand running, managing finances and paperwork, yardwork, etc. – are giving more than 100%, and I don’t believe that is good for us individually or for our marriages and families.  Moreover, I don’t believe that’s what God intended for us.  I wrote a previous post about this topic and titled it, “Why I Decided to Become a Housewife.”  Feel free to check it out if you’re interested.

Okay, so what do we need to put into our marriages?  In one word, SERVICE.  This is the second part that Clair Huxtable got wrong: “Serve whom?  Oh, serve him.  As in ‘serve your man’?” she scornfully responded to Elvin.  Yes!  Wives should serve their men.  (What?!  Oh no she didn’t!)  And… husbands should serve their women.  We see this demonstrated no better than by Christ Himself:

During the last supper, Jesus asked His disciples this question:

“For who is greater, he who sits at the table, or he who serves?  Is it not he who sits at the table?  Yet I am among you as the One who serves.”  (Luke 22:27)

After they finished the last supper, Jesus went around and washed the disciples’ feet, something only a servant would normally do (John 13:1-17).

I love this!  Jesus exercises the greatest characteristic of leadership ever by serving others.  I remember when I used to work retail, the general manager of the store where I worked was this kind of leader.  Besides attending to his regular duties, any chance he got he would come out on the sales floor with the rest of us to fold clothes or take clothes from the fitting rooms to put back on the floor.  Other managers would camp out in their office or stand around talking with each other, but the GM led by example and by serving, and he was respected so much more for it.  It showed he wasn’t asking us to do anything that he wasn’t doing himself.

The point in all this is that Jesus refuted the notion that serving is an act of inferiority or subordination or weakness.  Rather, it is the mark of a true man or woman of character; a true leader.  Jesus Christ was God in the flesh, and yet He told His disciples,

“For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.”  (Mark 10:45)

I believe the best marriages are made up of two people who have hearts to serve (even out-serve) each other.  When a couple is doing that, then everyone is taken care of.  Then there is no ugly, selfish inclination to take or to seek his/her own.  Regardless if you’re a husband or a wife, it’s your job to take care of your partner, and marriage works best if you unconditionally serve your partner’s needs above your own.

“For you, brethren, have been called to liberty; only do not use liberty as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.”  (Galatians 5:13)

“Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another.”  (Romans 12:10)

“Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.  Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.”  (Philippians 2:3-4)

These verses generally center on a friendly kind of love, but if that’s how God wants us to serve and demonstrate love towards people we’re not even related to, how much more does he want us to serve and live out our love for our husbands and wives?

Whether we consider our marriages good or bad, it’s worth checking in with ourselves regularly on this point and asking ourselves if we are truly giving 100% of ourselves in our marriages:  “Am I serving my spouse and attending to their needs, physically and emotionally?  Is there something I need to work on to be a better wife or husband?  Are there changes that need to be made in our lifestyle or environment so that I can be a better wife or husband?”

Maybe you’re reading this and agreeing with me, but you’re thinking, “My spouse doesn’t serve me!  And even when I serve them, they don’t appreciate it or even notice.”  If that’s the case, then maybe it’s time for a conversation, but not when you’re annoyed or angry.  Then your spouse will just get defensive and you’ll have the breeding grounds for an argument.  Instead, tell them how you feel and what you need from them.  But ask yourself this first: “Does my spouse serve me in ways that I’m not recognizing?”

A wife may get annoyed at her husband because he doesn’t take the initiative to take out the trash or wash the dishes, but maybe he takes the initiative to bring in the vehicles for servicing or does the necessary research to make sure they’re getting the best deal on their phone plan or Internet service.  Maybe a husband hates that it falls on him to mow the lawn every time, but meanwhile his wife always ends up being the one to clean the bathroom.  A wife may resent having to make all the necessary preparations for a trip and packing the bags, but her husband does the lion’s share when it comes to loading and unloading the car, driving to and from their destination, pumping gas, washing the windshield, and adding air in the tires.

It could very well be that your spouse is regularly doing loving acts of service for you, but you’re simply not noticing or acknowledging them as such.  When you start to focus on the good and helpful things that your spouse does, you will (hopefully) begin to foster grace for them when they don’t do exactly what you want them to do exactly when you want them to do it.

But also ask yourself this: “Do I serve my spouse unconditionally or to get something in return?  Do I serve my spouse simply because I love them or do I always try to draw attention to the ways that I serve them?”

I don’t know about you, but it is such a turn-off to me when I hear or see people trying to draw attention to themselves and how great they are.  I don’t suddenly feel appreciation or admiration for them now that they’ve told me how great they are, and I definitely don’t feel like jumping in and praising them more.  As Hodel says in Fiddler on the Roof, “I heard that the Rabbi who must praise himself has a congregation of one.”  I know, we all want to be recognized for the good things we do, and we all want to feel appreciated by our spouses, but this is not the way to get that recognition.

This leads to the last question: “Do I praise and/or thank my spouse, even when they do something small to serve me or show they love me?”

It’s a common joke on sitcoms for wives to scoff when their husbands try to do something good, like chores.  The response is usually something like, “Well, what do you want?  A medal?” or criticizing them for not doing it exactly right.  This kind of reaction basically guarantees that your spouse will never try to do anything nice for you ever again!  Instead, reinforce the good things that your spouse does with words of praise, encouragement, and thanksgiving.  If you don’t, not only will your spouse stop trying to please you, but your spouse may start looking for that validation somewhere else.

The following quote is attributed to the German writer Johann Wolfgang von Goethe: “The way you see people is the way you treat them, and the way you treat them is what they become.”

See your spouse as you did when you first fell in love.  Pay attention to all the good, kind, helpful things that they do, both in word and deed.  Be kind to them, appreciate them, admire them, encourage them, compliment them, be patient and gracious with them, forgive them.  Treat your spouse like they are your king or queen.  And then watch them become the man or woman of your dreams, if they aren’t already.

“Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another.  If anyone has a complaint against another, even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.  But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection.”  (Colossians 3:12-14)