You AREN'T Enough... But It's Okay

By Taisa Efseaff Maffey

There's something that's been bothering me for some time now, and I've only recently figured out why.  It's this phrase that continues to show up in social media posts, usually promoted by fitness gurus or authors or women who just want to encourage other women.  And it makes me squirm every time I read it or hear it.

"You are enough."

First of all, let me say that if you are someone who likes being told, "You are enough," I get it.  If it makes you feel good, that's wonderful.  I don't wish to take that away from anyone, so if that's the case, then this post probably isn't for you and you can feel free to stop reading now.  I won't be offended.

Personally, this phrase just doesn't do it for me.

In order for you to understand where I'm coming from, I should explain that I am a recovering perfectionist.  For as long as I can remember, I've had the feeling that nothing I do is quite good enough.  It could -- it should -- always be better.  What's more, I've never been able to shake the feeling that my worth is directly tied to how well I perform and what I achieve.  I feel terrible about myself if something I do doesn't turn out well or if I don't accomplish what I set out to do.  I typically won't even attempt something if I don't think I'll be good at it.  (You know those art nights where everyone leaves with their own stunning, frame-worthy version of the same painting?  You will never see me there, my friend.)

A couple years ago, I decided all of this was a problem and I needed to change my inner dialogue and start telling myself good things about myself in order to feel better about myself.  So I wrote out validating and empowering phrases on notecards and posted them where I would see them often.  Things like (okay, this is kind of embarrassing), "You are beautiful" and "You're a good cook" and, yes, "You are enough."

But no matter how many times I read those notecards, I didn't feel any better about myself.  Which only frustrated me more because now I was failing at this exercise that was supposed to make me feel better.

Looking back, I feel silly for even attempting this.  After all, times in my life when I've actually felt smart enough, talented enough, pretty enough, thin enough, fit enough, feminine enough, stylish enough, or likeable enough have been relatively few and definitely fleeting.  These feelings of not-enough run deep.  It would take more than thinking happy thoughts to overcome them.

Fast-forward to present day: I now have a baby.

I now have a baby, and I feel like my brain is pushed to its limits just from calculating the times between naps and feedings and estimating how much time I have to run errands before he starts to break down.

I now have a baby, and my biggest talent is managing to keep his wriggly feet poo-free while changing his diaper.  (Confession: I'm not even that talented.)

I now have a baby, and I don't have time to put on makeup or style my hair.  Like ever.

I now have a baby, and my body is soft, stretched, scarred, and the shape of a Dr. Seuss character.

I now have a baby, and "dressing up" means wearing my clean jeans and black and white flannel.

I now have a baby, and I no longer have the time or energy to do all the nice, wifely things that I used to do for my husband, like make his breakfasts and lunches or iron his shirts.

I now have a baby, and my biggest accomplishment most days is keeping him alive and well while staying on top of the laundry.

If I struggled with feeling like I was enough before having a baby, then my feelings of insufficiency know no bounds anymore.  When I read, "You are enough," I want to laugh-cry.  I AM NOT ENOUGH.  I know I'm not.  I am not the wife or mother I should be.  I am not the woman I want to be.  But I also know I'm not alone.  Plenty of other women must feel this way too, which is why the "You are enough" phrase keeps getting spread around.  We want so badly to believe it.

What are we to do with that?

Whenever I need to figure something out -- whenever I want Truth with a capital T -- I go to the Bible.  So I went to the Bible.  I wanted to figure out what to do with these feelings of not-enough.  I wanted to know how I'm supposed to feel about myself, according to the God who created me.

The first Scripture that came to me was written by Apostle Paul about a problem he had.  He writes,

"And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure.  Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me.  And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.'  Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake.  For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:7-10)

Wow.  This was the answer I was looking for.  For the sake of brevity, let me break down this passage to its main points:

1. Apostle Paul was given unique visions and revelations of heaven from the Lord, but to keep him humble he was given a "thorn in the flesh."  What was the thorn in the flesh?  Bible scholars have come up with a few possibilities, but most seem to lean towards the likelihood that it was a chronic, physical, aggravating problem Apostle Paul had with his eyes.  (It's helpful to note that in the original language, "thorn" translates more accurately as "tent stake" rather than a mere splinter.)
2. Apostle Paul begged the Lord to make his problem go away.
3. "And He said to [Paul], 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.'"
   

Are the same bells going off for you that they did for me?  Sufficient.  Another word for "enough."  (!)

Was Paul enough?  No, he had a thorn in his flesh.  Something was wrong with him.  Something that was always bothering him.  When he asked God to take away this thing, did God say, "Paul, you are enough"?  Nope.  Did God say, "Okay, Paul, I'll take away your thorn and make you enough"?  Nope again.  (Do I enjoy asking rhetorical questions and then answering them myself?  Yes!)  God's answer was, "My grace is [enough] for you" (emphasis added).  Not only that, but he added this: "for My strength is made perfect in weakness."

If my feelings of being not-enough are a thorn in my flesh -- however trivial compared to the thorn of Paul and many others -- and, like Paul, I haven't been able to get rid of this chronic, nagging thorn, then maybe the answer is not to get rid of it.  Perhaps the Lord would also say to me, "My grace is sufficient for you."

When we consider this issue at its core biblically, the fact is none of us are enough.  The entire Gospel message is that we are all doomed sinners in desperate need of salvation that only God can provide through His mercy and grace.  How could we possibly think that anything about us is enough?

"But we are all like an unclean thing,

And all our righteousnesses are like filthy rags." (Isaiah 64:6a)

"For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast." (Ephesians 2:8-9)

"Not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think of anything as being from ourselves, but our sufficiency is from God." (2 Corinthians 3:5)

Likewise, Paul's narrative teaches us that it isn't about our excellence, our strength, or trying to make ourselves feel better or strong or like we're enough.  It's about God's grace and His supernatural strength, which manifest in and cover our weakness when we seek His help.

I don't know about you, but this is a hard one for me to grasp.  Weakness = a good thing?  We're supposed to feel not-enough?  But why would God want us weak, at a disadvantage?  Paul said his thorn in the flesh was given to him "lest [he] should be exalted above measure."

When you look up the words "humble" or "humility" in the Bible, virtually all references are overwhelmingly positive, unanimous that humility is highly valued by God, not to mention ultimately necessary for salvation.  The opposite of humility is pride, which repulses God and is a precursor to man's own destruction.

"When pride comes, then comes shame; but with the humble is wisdom." (Proverbs 11:2)

"A man’s pride will bring him low, but the humble in spirit will retain honor." (Proverbs 29:23)

"Before destruction the heart of a man is haughty, and before honor is humility." (Proverbs 18:12)

"For You will save the humble people, but will bring down haughty looks." (Psalm 18:27)

"And whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted." (Matthew 23:12)

"But He gives more grace. Therefore He says:

'God resists the proud,

But gives grace to the humble.'" (James 4:6)

"Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up." (James 4:10)

"Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time." (1 Peter 5:6)

I could go on and on with Scriptures that all confirm the same thing: We are not to be prideful of ourselves but humble.  When we understand that, we can follow Paul's example and embrace our thorns in the flesh as gifts from God because they keep us humble and aware of our need for His grace and strength.  Moreover, we can rejoice like Paul in our weakness "that the power of Christ may rest upon [us]."  As Paul puts it, "For when I am weak, then I am strong."

I know I'm making this sound easier than it is.  The truth is humility isn't easy.  We don't like feeling less than or not enough.  We want to feel strong and confident and proud of ourselves.  I know I do.  But, perhaps, "lest [we] should be exalted above measure," we have these feelings that humble us for our own good.  And for that matter, because they're true, whether we like it or not.

I'm sure there are plenty of people who would tell me and women who have a thorn in the flesh like me that our problem is we don't have enough self-esteem.  That we don't understand our worth or value ourselves as we should.  Oprah or Jillian Michaels would probably tell us that we need to work on loving ourselves.

Love thyself?  Is that the answer?

Again, when we look to the Bible, this whole movement of loving ourselves and telling ourselves that we're enough just doesn't fly.

"For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this: 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.'" (Galatians 5:14)

"For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church." (Ephesians 5:29)

"Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself." (Philippians 2:3)

"Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another." (Romans 12:10)

"Be of the same mind toward one another.  Do not set your mind on high things, but associate with the humble.  Do not be wise in your own opinion." (Romans 12:16)

"For I say, through the grace given to me, to everyone who is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think soberly, as God has dealt to each one a measure of faith." (Romans 12:3)

Nowhere in the Bible are we instructed to love ourselves.  Rather, the Bible says that we already love ourselves; what we are told repeatedly is to love others.

Nowhere in the Bible are we instructed to build up our self-esteem or confidence.  Instead, we're to esteem others as better than ourselves "in lowliness of mind."  We are not to think more highly of ourselves than we ought to think.

I know this may sound kind of mean and super discouraging to some people, but the truth is I'm not enough and you aren't enough... But it's okay.  Even for a recovering perfectionist like me, it's okay.  Why?  Because rather than trying, trying, trying to convince myself that I'm enough, I can acknowledge my not-enoughness peacefully and instead receive the Lord's grace and tap into His strength to fill in the gaps of my insufficiency.

I've focused primarily on my particular thorn in the flesh here, but your thorn in the flesh may be entirely different than mine.  Maybe it's something causing you physical distress like Paul's thorn.  Maybe it's a person in your life who plagues you.  Maybe it's your lack of occupational advancement or financial success.  Whatever has been nagging at you, keeping you down, or holding you back, maybe it's time to stop trying to get rid of your thorn and instead accept it.  Maybe it's the very thing that's keeping you humble and the Lord is using to draw you closer to Him.

"Then Jesus said to His disciples, 'If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me.  For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.  For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul?'" (Matthew 16:24-26a)