Marriage is Not 50/50

By Taisa Efseaff Maffey

The Princess Bride

“Mawage.  Mawage is wot bwings us togeder today.  Mawage, that bwessed awangement, that dweam wiffin a dweam… And wuv, true wuv, will fowow you foweva… So tweasure your wuv.”

Yes, I know this is one of the most quoted movie lines, but I couldn’t help myself.  Or I could have, but didn’t want to.  One or the other.

Normally, advice on marriage is most welcome and best received when delivered by an old person who has been married for decades and therefore has seniority and marital longevity on their side.  I have neither.  I am 31 years old and have been married for two and a half years, but I don’t believe that a long marriage necessarily translates to a good marriage, and I don’t believe that a good marriage necessarily requires years and years of practice.  This isn’t arrogance speaking; it is simply my belief and experience that when two people get married and each do what the Bible tells them to do, then marriage is simple and it works.  It may not always be easy, but it is simple.

Obviously, there’s a lot that can be said about marriage.  And, there are a lot of opinions regarding what it takes to have a good marriage.  My goal is to focus on what I believe is one of the most basic and key characteristics of a good marriage.  To kick it off, here’s a classic clip from one of my all-time favorite TV shows, The Cosby Show:

I’ve always felt that Heathcliff and Clair Huxtable had one of the best TV marriages ever, but I have to admit this is one time they got it wrong.  They’re not alone, though; I’ve heard others describe marriage as “50/50 give-and-take.”  And initially, it sounds like it makes sense.  One hundred percent of anything makes up a whole, and there are two people in a marriage, so it seems logical to divide up the work that a marriage requires by the two people in it and ultimately conclude that marriage is a 50/50 partnership.  Again, on paper this sounds right, but in reality it just doesn’t work.

As soon as a couple views their marriage as something that’s broken down into two equal parts, inevitably one or both of the parties involved will begin to compare the two parts to see if they match up.  Often, one or both spouses will feel as though they are doing more than their share or that the other spouse isn’t doing their part in some respect.  This is grounds for many a fight and even divorce.

When a couple has this 50/50 approach to marriage, their investment in the marriage becomes conditional: “I’ll do my part just so long as you do yours.”  Clair offers to bring Cliff a cup of coffee because he brought her one that morning.  But what if Cliff hadn’t brought her coffee that morning, or the morning before?  Maybe then Clair offers to bring him coffee, but begrudgingly.  Maybe she does it while thinking, “Okay, but when was the last time he did this for me?”  Next thing you know, Clair stops bringing Cliff coffee altogether and they each have to get their own from then on.

This is a silly example, I know, but if a couple perceives marriage as “50/50 give-and-take,” then what happens when Spouse #1 feels that they are giving too much and Spouse #2 is taking too much?  Then Spouse #1 may begin to feel the need to give less and take more.  Soon Spouse #2 will start to feel like they’re now giving too much and they’ll start to give less and take more.  When a couple views marriage as 50/50, it very easily becomes a game of keeping score, and when that happens, nobody wins.  The Bible says that love “does not seek its own” (NKJV), and put another way, love “keeps no record of being wronged” (NLT) (1 Corinthians 13:5).

So if marriage isn’t 50/50, then what is it?  It’s 100/100.  Each person should be giving 100%.  I know, that sounds so corny and simplistic, right?  But it’s true.  One difference between a good marriage and a not-so-good marriage is the important matter of perspective.  Either you approach marriage with the question of, “What can I get out of it?” or you approach marriage with, “What do I need to put into it?”  The wise person will ask the latter.  The difference between these two approaches is the difference between being selfish or selfless; feeling resentment or feeling love; feeling unappreciated or feeling valuable; fighting or getting along.

I would like to interject something at this point, however.  And that is my personal belief and experience that women who work full-time outside the home and simultaneously shoulder most of the responsibilities at home – like housework, grocery shopping, meal planning and preparation, parenting and/or kid-related tasks, errand running, managing finances and paperwork, yardwork, etc. – are giving more than 100%, and I don’t believe that is good for us individually or for our marriages and families.  Moreover, I don’t believe that’s what God intended for us.  I wrote a previous post about this topic and titled it, “Why I Decided to Become a Housewife.”  Feel free to check it out if you’re interested.

Okay, so what do we need to put into our marriages?  In one word, SERVICE.  This is the second part that Clair Huxtable got wrong: “Serve whom?  Oh, serve him.  As in ‘serve your man’?” she scornfully responded to Elvin.  Yes!  Wives should serve their men.  (What?!  Oh no she didn’t!)  And… husbands should serve their women.  We see this demonstrated no better than by Christ Himself:

During the last supper, Jesus asked His disciples this question:

“For who is greater, he who sits at the table, or he who serves?  Is it not he who sits at the table?  Yet I am among you as the One who serves.”  (Luke 22:27)

After they finished the last supper, Jesus went around and washed the disciples’ feet, something only a servant would normally do (John 13:1-17).

I love this!  Jesus exercises the greatest characteristic of leadership ever by serving others.  I remember when I used to work retail, the general manager of the store where I worked was this kind of leader.  Besides attending to his regular duties, any chance he got he would come out on the sales floor with the rest of us to fold clothes or take clothes from the fitting rooms to put back on the floor.  Other managers would camp out in their office or stand around talking with each other, but the GM led by example and by serving, and he was respected so much more for it.  It showed he wasn’t asking us to do anything that he wasn’t doing himself.

The point in all this is that Jesus refuted the notion that serving is an act of inferiority or subordination or weakness.  Rather, it is the mark of a true man or woman of character; a true leader.  Jesus Christ was God in the flesh, and yet He told His disciples,

“For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.”  (Mark 10:45)

I believe the best marriages are made up of two people who have hearts to serve (even out-serve) each other.  When a couple is doing that, then everyone is taken care of.  Then there is no ugly, selfish inclination to take or to seek his/her own.  Regardless if you’re a husband or a wife, it’s your job to take care of your partner, and marriage works best if you unconditionally serve your partner’s needs above your own.

“For you, brethren, have been called to liberty; only do not use liberty as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.”  (Galatians 5:13)

“Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another.”  (Romans 12:10)

“Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.  Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.”  (Philippians 2:3-4)

These verses generally center on a friendly kind of love, but if that’s how God wants us to serve and demonstrate love towards people we’re not even related to, how much more does he want us to serve and live out our love for our husbands and wives?

Whether we consider our marriages good or bad, it’s worth checking in with ourselves regularly on this point and asking ourselves if we are truly giving 100% of ourselves in our marriages:  “Am I serving my spouse and attending to their needs, physically and emotionally?  Is there something I need to work on to be a better wife or husband?  Are there changes that need to be made in our lifestyle or environment so that I can be a better wife or husband?”

Maybe you’re reading this and agreeing with me, but you’re thinking, “My spouse doesn’t serve me!  And even when I serve them, they don’t appreciate it or even notice.”  If that’s the case, then maybe it’s time for a conversation, but not when you’re annoyed or angry.  Then your spouse will just get defensive and you’ll have the breeding grounds for an argument.  Instead, tell them how you feel and what you need from them.  But ask yourself this first: “Does my spouse serve me in ways that I’m not recognizing?”

A wife may get annoyed at her husband because he doesn’t take the initiative to take out the trash or wash the dishes, but maybe he takes the initiative to bring in the vehicles for servicing or does the necessary research to make sure they’re getting the best deal on their phone plan or Internet service.  Maybe a husband hates that it falls on him to mow the lawn every time, but meanwhile his wife always ends up being the one to clean the bathroom.  A wife may resent having to make all the necessary preparations for a trip and packing the bags, but her husband does the lion’s share when it comes to loading and unloading the car, driving to and from their destination, pumping gas, washing the windshield, and adding air in the tires.

It could very well be that your spouse is regularly doing loving acts of service for you, but you’re simply not noticing or acknowledging them as such.  When you start to focus on the good and helpful things that your spouse does, you will (hopefully) begin to foster grace for them when they don’t do exactly what you want them to do exactly when you want them to do it.

But also ask yourself this: “Do I serve my spouse unconditionally or to get something in return?  Do I serve my spouse simply because I love them or do I always try to draw attention to the ways that I serve them?”

I don’t know about you, but it is such a turn-off to me when I hear or see people trying to draw attention to themselves and how great they are.  I don’t suddenly feel appreciation or admiration for them now that they’ve told me how great they are, and I definitely don’t feel like jumping in and praising them more.  As Hodel says in Fiddler on the Roof, “I heard that the Rabbi who must praise himself has a congregation of one.”  I know, we all want to be recognized for the good things we do, and we all want to feel appreciated by our spouses, but this is not the way to get that recognition.

This leads to the last question: “Do I praise and/or thank my spouse, even when they do something small to serve me or show they love me?”

It’s a common joke on sitcoms for wives to scoff when their husbands try to do something good, like chores.  The response is usually something like, “Well, what do you want?  A medal?” or criticizing them for not doing it exactly right.  This kind of reaction basically guarantees that your spouse will never try to do anything nice for you ever again!  Instead, reinforce the good things that your spouse does with words of praise, encouragement, and thanksgiving.  If you don’t, not only will your spouse stop trying to please you, but your spouse may start looking for that validation somewhere else.

The following quote is attributed to the German writer Johann Wolfgang von Goethe: “The way you see people is the way you treat them, and the way you treat them is what they become.”

See your spouse as you did when you first fell in love.  Pay attention to all the good, kind, helpful things that they do, both in word and deed.  Be kind to them, appreciate them, admire them, encourage them, compliment them, be patient and gracious with them, forgive them.  Treat your spouse like they are your king or queen.  And then watch them become the man or woman of your dreams, if they aren’t already.

“Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another.  If anyone has a complaint against another, even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.  But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection.”  (Colossians 3:12-14)