Marriage is Not 50/50

By Taisa Efseaff Maffey

The Princess Bride

“Mawage.  Mawage is wot bwings us togeder today.  Mawage, that bwessed awangement, that dweam wiffin a dweam… And wuv, true wuv, will fowow you foweva… So tweasure your wuv.”

Yes, I know this is one of the most quoted movie lines, but I couldn’t help myself.  Or I could have, but didn’t want to.  One or the other.

Normally, advice on marriage is most welcome and best received when delivered by an old person who has been married for decades and therefore has seniority and marital longevity on their side.  I have neither.  I am 31 years old and have been married for two and a half years, but I don’t believe that a long marriage necessarily translates to a good marriage, and I don’t believe that a good marriage necessarily requires years and years of practice.  This isn’t arrogance speaking; it is simply my belief and experience that when two people get married and each do what the Bible tells them to do, then marriage is simple and it works.  It may not always be easy, but it is simple.

Obviously, there’s a lot that can be said about marriage.  And, there are a lot of opinions regarding what it takes to have a good marriage.  My goal is to focus on what I believe is one of the most basic and key characteristics of a good marriage.  To kick it off, here’s a classic clip from one of my all-time favorite TV shows, The Cosby Show:

I’ve always felt that Heathcliff and Clair Huxtable had one of the best TV marriages ever, but I have to admit this is one time they got it wrong.  They’re not alone, though; I’ve heard others describe marriage as “50/50 give-and-take.”  And initially, it sounds like it makes sense.  One hundred percent of anything makes up a whole, and there are two people in a marriage, so it seems logical to divide up the work that a marriage requires by the two people in it and ultimately conclude that marriage is a 50/50 partnership.  Again, on paper this sounds right, but in reality it just doesn’t work.

As soon as a couple views their marriage as something that’s broken down into two equal parts, inevitably one or both of the parties involved will begin to compare the two parts to see if they match up.  Often, one or both spouses will feel as though they are doing more than their share or that the other spouse isn’t doing their part in some respect.  This is grounds for many a fight and even divorce.

When a couple has this 50/50 approach to marriage, their investment in the marriage becomes conditional: “I’ll do my part just so long as you do yours.”  Clair offers to bring Cliff a cup of coffee because he brought her one that morning.  But what if Cliff hadn’t brought her coffee that morning, or the morning before?  Maybe then Clair offers to bring him coffee, but begrudgingly.  Maybe she does it while thinking, “Okay, but when was the last time he did this for me?”  Next thing you know, Clair stops bringing Cliff coffee altogether and they each have to get their own from then on.

This is a silly example, I know, but if a couple perceives marriage as “50/50 give-and-take,” then what happens when Spouse #1 feels that they are giving too much and Spouse #2 is taking too much?  Then Spouse #1 may begin to feel the need to give less and take more.  Soon Spouse #2 will start to feel like they’re now giving too much and they’ll start to give less and take more.  When a couple views marriage as 50/50, it very easily becomes a game of keeping score, and when that happens, nobody wins.  The Bible says that love “does not seek its own” (NKJV), and put another way, love “keeps no record of being wronged” (NLT) (1 Corinthians 13:5).

So if marriage isn’t 50/50, then what is it?  It’s 100/100.  Each person should be giving 100%.  I know, that sounds so corny and simplistic, right?  But it’s true.  One difference between a good marriage and a not-so-good marriage is the important matter of perspective.  Either you approach marriage with the question of, “What can I get out of it?” or you approach marriage with, “What do I need to put into it?”  The wise person will ask the latter.  The difference between these two approaches is the difference between being selfish or selfless; feeling resentment or feeling love; feeling unappreciated or feeling valuable; fighting or getting along.

I would like to interject something at this point, however.  And that is my personal belief and experience that women who work full-time outside the home and simultaneously shoulder most of the responsibilities at home – like housework, grocery shopping, meal planning and preparation, parenting and/or kid-related tasks, errand running, managing finances and paperwork, yardwork, etc. – are giving more than 100%, and I don’t believe that is good for us individually or for our marriages and families.  Moreover, I don’t believe that’s what God intended for us.  I wrote a previous post about this topic and titled it, “Why I Decided to Become a Housewife.”  Feel free to check it out if you’re interested.

Okay, so what do we need to put into our marriages?  In one word, SERVICE.  This is the second part that Clair Huxtable got wrong: “Serve whom?  Oh, serve him.  As in ‘serve your man’?” she scornfully responded to Elvin.  Yes!  Wives should serve their men.  (What?!  Oh no she didn’t!)  And… husbands should serve their women.  We see this demonstrated no better than by Christ Himself:

During the last supper, Jesus asked His disciples this question:

“For who is greater, he who sits at the table, or he who serves?  Is it not he who sits at the table?  Yet I am among you as the One who serves.”  (Luke 22:27)

After they finished the last supper, Jesus went around and washed the disciples’ feet, something only a servant would normally do (John 13:1-17).

I love this!  Jesus exercises the greatest characteristic of leadership ever by serving others.  I remember when I used to work retail, the general manager of the store where I worked was this kind of leader.  Besides attending to his regular duties, any chance he got he would come out on the sales floor with the rest of us to fold clothes or take clothes from the fitting rooms to put back on the floor.  Other managers would camp out in their office or stand around talking with each other, but the GM led by example and by serving, and he was respected so much more for it.  It showed he wasn’t asking us to do anything that he wasn’t doing himself.

The point in all this is that Jesus refuted the notion that serving is an act of inferiority or subordination or weakness.  Rather, it is the mark of a true man or woman of character; a true leader.  Jesus Christ was God in the flesh, and yet He told His disciples,

“For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.”  (Mark 10:45)

I believe the best marriages are made up of two people who have hearts to serve (even out-serve) each other.  When a couple is doing that, then everyone is taken care of.  Then there is no ugly, selfish inclination to take or to seek his/her own.  Regardless if you’re a husband or a wife, it’s your job to take care of your partner, and marriage works best if you unconditionally serve your partner’s needs above your own.

“For you, brethren, have been called to liberty; only do not use liberty as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.”  (Galatians 5:13)

“Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another.”  (Romans 12:10)

“Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.  Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.”  (Philippians 2:3-4)

These verses generally center on a friendly kind of love, but if that’s how God wants us to serve and demonstrate love towards people we’re not even related to, how much more does he want us to serve and live out our love for our husbands and wives?

Whether we consider our marriages good or bad, it’s worth checking in with ourselves regularly on this point and asking ourselves if we are truly giving 100% of ourselves in our marriages:  “Am I serving my spouse and attending to their needs, physically and emotionally?  Is there something I need to work on to be a better wife or husband?  Are there changes that need to be made in our lifestyle or environment so that I can be a better wife or husband?”

Maybe you’re reading this and agreeing with me, but you’re thinking, “My spouse doesn’t serve me!  And even when I serve them, they don’t appreciate it or even notice.”  If that’s the case, then maybe it’s time for a conversation, but not when you’re annoyed or angry.  Then your spouse will just get defensive and you’ll have the breeding grounds for an argument.  Instead, tell them how you feel and what you need from them.  But ask yourself this first: “Does my spouse serve me in ways that I’m not recognizing?”

A wife may get annoyed at her husband because he doesn’t take the initiative to take out the trash or wash the dishes, but maybe he takes the initiative to bring in the vehicles for servicing or does the necessary research to make sure they’re getting the best deal on their phone plan or Internet service.  Maybe a husband hates that it falls on him to mow the lawn every time, but meanwhile his wife always ends up being the one to clean the bathroom.  A wife may resent having to make all the necessary preparations for a trip and packing the bags, but her husband does the lion’s share when it comes to loading and unloading the car, driving to and from their destination, pumping gas, washing the windshield, and adding air in the tires.

It could very well be that your spouse is regularly doing loving acts of service for you, but you’re simply not noticing or acknowledging them as such.  When you start to focus on the good and helpful things that your spouse does, you will (hopefully) begin to foster grace for them when they don’t do exactly what you want them to do exactly when you want them to do it.

But also ask yourself this: “Do I serve my spouse unconditionally or to get something in return?  Do I serve my spouse simply because I love them or do I always try to draw attention to the ways that I serve them?”

I don’t know about you, but it is such a turn-off to me when I hear or see people trying to draw attention to themselves and how great they are.  I don’t suddenly feel appreciation or admiration for them now that they’ve told me how great they are, and I definitely don’t feel like jumping in and praising them more.  As Hodel says in Fiddler on the Roof, “I heard that the Rabbi who must praise himself has a congregation of one.”  I know, we all want to be recognized for the good things we do, and we all want to feel appreciated by our spouses, but this is not the way to get that recognition.

This leads to the last question: “Do I praise and/or thank my spouse, even when they do something small to serve me or show they love me?”

It’s a common joke on sitcoms for wives to scoff when their husbands try to do something good, like chores.  The response is usually something like, “Well, what do you want?  A medal?” or criticizing them for not doing it exactly right.  This kind of reaction basically guarantees that your spouse will never try to do anything nice for you ever again!  Instead, reinforce the good things that your spouse does with words of praise, encouragement, and thanksgiving.  If you don’t, not only will your spouse stop trying to please you, but your spouse may start looking for that validation somewhere else.

The following quote is attributed to the German writer Johann Wolfgang von Goethe: “The way you see people is the way you treat them, and the way you treat them is what they become.”

See your spouse as you did when you first fell in love.  Pay attention to all the good, kind, helpful things that they do, both in word and deed.  Be kind to them, appreciate them, admire them, encourage them, compliment them, be patient and gracious with them, forgive them.  Treat your spouse like they are your king or queen.  And then watch them become the man or woman of your dreams, if they aren’t already.

“Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another.  If anyone has a complaint against another, even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.  But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection.”  (Colossians 3:12-14)

Just Call Me Jonah

By Taisa Efseaff Maffey

Most people know the story of Jonah from the Bible.  Or at least they know that he ended up in the belly of a large fish –– in all likelihood, a whale.  I’m not sure if most people go any deeper than that, but I can tell you that Jonah’s story has resonated with me at more than one point in my life.  I can relate to this guy Jonah, and I suspect others might too.

“Now the word of the Lord came to Jonah the son of Amittai, saying, ‘Arise, go to Nineveh, that great city, and cry out against it; for their wickedness has come up before Me.’  But Jonah arose to flee to Tarshish from the presence of the Lord.  He went down to Joppa, and found a ship going to Tarshish; so he paid the fare, and went down into it, to go with them to Tarshish from the presence of the Lord.”  (Jonah 1:1-3)

I don’t know about you, but I find this seriously funny.  God speaks to the prophet Jonah and tells him to go to Nineveh –– the capital of the Assyrians, who were infamous for their idolatry, wickedness, and cruelty –– and Jonah gets up and boards a boat that’s going in the exact opposite direction.  Jonah is actually trying to run away from God.  This cracks me up.  I mean, where does he think he’s going that God can’t keep up with him or find him?

Well, Jonah soon learns he can’t escape God, and he learns that by trying to avoid what God was calling him to do he makes the situation much worse for himself.  God sends a great storm on the sea, and it’s so bad that it threatens to break apart the ship that Jonah is travelling on.  The ship’s crew figures out that Jonah’s disobedience is the cause of the storm, so they throw him overboard, and the sea immediately stops raging.

“Now the Lord had prepared a great fish to swallow Jonah.  And Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.  Then Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from the fish’s belly.”  (Jonah 1:17-2:1)

After three days in the belly of the whale, Jonah cries out to God about the trouble he’s in, acknowledges that God is chastening him, and by the end of his prayer he turns back to God with a submissive heart:

“‘But I will sacrifice to You

With the voice of thanksgiving;

I will pay what I have vowed.

Salvation is of the Lord.’

Can you believe it took Jonah THREE DAYS of living inside the big, gross, smelly fish to cry “uncle”?  I’m tempted to say that I wouldn’t have waited ten minutes before praying and submitting to whatever God’s will was, but when I think about all the times that I’ve resisted doing what I knew God wanted me to do, then I have to admit I’m no better than Jonah.  Try to think of a big, gross, smelly situation you have been in because of your own doing and how long you remained in that situation when God was likely just waiting for you to turn back to Him so He could bail you out.

“So the Lord spoke to the fish, and it vomited Jonah onto dry land.”  (Jonah 2:9-10)

(Side note: Did you know that the word “vomit” was in the Bible?)

And now… Take II:

“Now the word of the Lord came to Jonah the second time, saying, ‘Arise, go to Nineveh, that great city, and preach to it the message that I tell you.’  So Jonah arose and went to Nineveh, according to the word of the Lord.  Now Nineveh was an exceedingly great city, a three-day journey in extent.  And Jonah began to enter the city on the first day’s walk.  Then he cried out and said, ‘Yet forty days, and Nineveh shall be overthrown!’”

Given a second chance, Jonah goes to Nineveh and warns the Ninevites that their great city will be overthrown as judgment from the Lord because of their wickedness.  And what do you know?

“So the people of Nineveh believed God, proclaimed a fast, and put on sackcloth, from the greatest to the least of them.”  (Jonah 3:5)

“Then God saw their works, that they turned from their evil way; and God relented from the disaster that He had said He would bring upon them, and He did not do it.”  (Jonah 3:10)

And so, mission accomplished.  But have you wondered at all why Jonah refused to go to Nineveh and preach in the first place?  It becomes clear in the final chapter of the book when we see Jonah angry about the Ninevites’ repentance and God’s mercy towards them:

“But it displeased Jonah exceedingly, and he became angry.  So he prayed to the Lord, and said, ‘Ah, Lord, was not this what I said when I was still in my country?  Therefore I fled previously to Tarshish; for I know that You are a gracious and merciful God, slow to anger and abundant in lovingkindness, One who relents from doing harm.’”  (Jonah 4:1-2)

Here Jonah personally knew God’s grace and mercy, His temperance, His lovingkindness, and yet he didn’t want an enemy Gentile nation like the Ninevites to experience any of it.  Yikes.

I mentioned in the beginning that I could relate to Jonah.  While there are several applications we can take away from this story, for me what hits home is the idea of running away from God.  Jonah did so almost literally.  And it caused a great storm not just for Jonah but also the people who surrounded him.  If we ever think our disobedience or sin only affects us, we would be seriously mistaken.  When we think of “sin,” we usually think about doing bad things, right?  But the Bible also has this to say about sin:

“Therefore, to him who knows to do good and does not do it, to him it is sin.”  (James 4:17)

I’m willing to bet all of us have tried to run away from God at one time or another –– those times when we know God wants us to do something, but for one reason or another, we resist submitting to Him and we avoid doing it.  So here’s the million dollar question:

Is there something that you feel like God has been calling you to do… but you’re not doing it?

If you’re not a Christian or not a practicing Christian, maybe God has been knocking on the door of your heart, waiting for you to let Him in:

“Behold, I stand at the door and knock.  If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me.”  (Revelation 3:20)

James 4:8,10 puts this promise another way:

“Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.  […]  Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up.”

According to the Bible, God

“desires all men to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth.  For there is one God and one Mediator between God and men, the Man Christ Jesus, who gave Himself a ransom [a means of deliverance or rescue from punishment for sin] for all.”  (1 Timothy 2:4-6)

And the Bible gives this assurance:

“that if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.”  (Romans 10:9)

Bottom line: If you’ve felt a tapping on your shoulder, a tugging on your heart, a nagging in your gut, or anything that gives you a kind of antsy feeling about needing to make yourself right with God, then please don’t ignore it.  That’s God reaching out to you, pursuing you, desiring to have a relationship with you, and ultimately desiring that you accept the eternal salvation (your ticket into heaven) that only He can provide.

If you are already a Christian, has God been calling you to do something, but you’ve been ignoring it or dismissing it or putting it off?  Maybe you’re like Jonah and you’ve been withholding love or kindness or forgiveness from someone because you don’t think they deserve it.  Maybe you’re not doing something God wants you to do out of stubbornness or anger because you don’t feel like God has been fair.  Maybe you’re not doing something out of sheer laziness or complacency.  Or maybe you’re like me and you’re not doing something because of fear –– fear of God not coming through, fear of failure or rejection, fear of letting others down, fear of what others might think, or perhaps fear of the perfect dream becoming an imperfect reality.  I know these fears, and they are real, but we have to remind ourselves that they are without merit:

“The Lord is my light and my salvation;

Whom shall I fear?

The Lord is the strength of my life;

Of whom shall I be afraid?”  (Psalm 27:1)

“Fear not, for I am with you;

Be not dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you,

Yes, I will help you,

I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’”  (Isaiah 41:10)

“Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”  (Joshua 1:9)

“For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand,

Saying to you, ‘Fear not, I will help you.’”  (Isaiah 41:13)

I don’t know about you, but I love the image of God holding my hand when I’m scared about something.  I’ll leave you with this last verse:

“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment.  But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.”  (1 John 4:18)

My advice to myself and to you is to allow God to perfect His love in you.  How?  By trusting in Him and stepping out in faith.  If you’re fearful about something, you’re not trusting in God.  Simple as that.  And if you’re not doing what God is calling you to do, you’re disobeying Him.  Simple as that.  So instead of being prideful or resentful or complacent or fearful or whatever else, we need to place a higher priority on answering God’s calling for us and doing His will.  Simple as that.

What Will Your Family Legacy Be?

By Taisa Efseaff Maffey

Cranston in AMC's Breaking Bad

Recently, I watched an episode of Who Do You Think You Are? featuring the actor Bryan Cranston.  For those of you who don’t know, Who Do You Think You Are? is a reality show that takes celebrities back through their family trees to learn more about their ancestors and origins.  Most episodes are interesting because they share historical context as they reveal information about the celebrities’ ancestors, but the episode on Bryan Cranston fascinated me for another reason.

The show began with Cranston sharing about how his father had walked out on his family when Cranston was only 11 or 12 years old.  It was an entire decade before Cranston even saw his father again.  As a result, Cranston really didn’t know much about his father’s side of the family and wanted to learn more.  Through the course of the show, Cranston discovered that not only did his father walk out on his family, but his grandfather and two times great grandfather abandoned their families during their respective generations as well.  In the end, Cranston learned that his father’s side of the family had a legacy of dishonorable men who abandoned their families and refused to provide for them.

This particular show made an impression on me because Ethan and I had just recently discussed at length the concept of family legacies.  We had both identified patterns of behavior handed down through generations in our family lines that we had already decided we did not want to continue in our life together and future family.  This is not to say that we couldn’t find any positive legacies in our family lines, but we were forced to acknowledge that sometimes the bad had a far greater impact throughout the generations than the good.

Of course, when I begin to analyze an issue or significant topic like this, my mind automatically goes to The Bible for a comparison, an explanation, or perspective in general.  I do this because I know The Bible to be God’s Word and entirely reliable for truth and wisdom.  In this case, my mind immediately went to the books of Kings in the Old Testament, which chronicle the entire history of Israel’s kings from 971 to 561 B.C.

"Are you a good king or a bad king?"

When you go through the books of Kings, you basically find two kinds of people: good kings and bad kings.  As most people know, kingship back then was to be handed down from father to son.  And when you read 1 Kings and 2 Kings, you see that far more often than not, the bad kings (bad men/fathers) begot other bad kings (bad men/fathers).  To me, this illustrates how easy it is to establish patterns of bad behavior (or sin, in other words) within a family and to propagate that legacy down through the generations.

To provide a little background information, Israel became a divided kingdom after the reign of Solomon.  Even though Solomon started out as a good king, in the end his heart turned away from the true and living God to worship the false gods of his many foreign wives, and he did not keep what the Lord had commanded (1 Kings 11:1-13).  For this reason, God raised up Solomon’s servant, Jeroboam, to rebel against Solomon and eventually reign as king over 10 of the 12 tribes of Israel; however, because of the covenant God made with David, God would allow David’s descendants to continue to reign over the remaining two tribes, collectively called “Judah” (1 Kings 11:26-39).  Therefore, after Solomon’s reign, there were actually two lines of kings – one for the northern kingdom (Israel) and one for the southern kingdom (Judah), until Israel was taken into captivity by the Assyrians in 722 B.C. and Judah by the Babylonians in 586 B.C.

What I love about the books of Kings in the Old Testament is how straightforward they are.  Virtually every time a new king is introduced, the author lets you know right away if he was a good king or a bad king.  One of two phrases is used to describe each king as a ruler: Either the king 1) “did what was right in the eyes of the Lord, as did his father David” (1 Kings 15:11), or the king 2) “did evil in the sight of the Lord, and walked in the way of [his father/mother and/or Jeroboam (who set the precedent as the first truly bad king of Israel)]” (1 Kings 22:52).

For the record, what did God consider evil?  2 Kings 17:7-23 gives a vivid and complete account of Israel’s sins, but most notably the Israelites built high places, pillars, and wooden/molded images as idols to worship the false gods of the surrounding nations.  One of their worship rituals was to sacrifice their children by fire to Molech, the god of the Moabites.  They also practiced witchcraft and soothsaying.  Basically, they rebelled against God and turned to everything but Him for guidance and help.

Now, during this period, Israel’s line of kings were basically all bad, but Judah’s line of kings had a little more of a mix.  Even still, of the 20 kings that consecutively reigned over Judah, there were only eight God considered good.  And of those eight, even though they “did what was right in the eyes of the Lord,” six of them are mentioned with a negative little side note:

“However the high places were not taken away, and the people still sacrificed and burned incense on the high places.” (2 Kings 14:4)

Even though there were these bright spots of good kings in the line of David, most of them still allowed provision for sin, both for their descendants and for the people of Judah.  Though they had the opportunity, these good kings didn’t completely rid their future family line of the sins that their ancestors had participated in for generations, starting with Solomon.  And this proved to be a huge fail for the kings of Judah just as it had for the kings of Israel, as ultimately God punished both Judah and Israel for their stubborn rebellion, idolatry, and wickedness by allowing them to be conquered and taken captive by enemy nations.

All right, so what does all this mean and what can we learn from it?

First of all, I want you to stop and think about your own family legacy.  What sins have held your family captive over the years?  Can you identify patterns of sin and/or bad behaviors that you want to keep from continuing on down your family line?  Sin causes disruption and pain in what would otherwise be a functional, happy family.  Look for the pain, and you will likely find sin at the source.  Consider the following:

• Abortion
• Abusive behavior
• Adultery
• Alcohol abuse
• Anger
• Arrogance
• Criticism
• Dishonesty
• Disrespect
• Divorce
• Drug addiction
• Financial irresponsibility
• Gluttony
• Greed
• Laziness
• Manipulation
• Materialism
• Neglect
• Parent absenteeism
• Pornography addiction
• Profanity
• Rebellion
• Selfishness
• Sexual immorality
• Stubbornness
• Workaholism

Secondly, we need to acknowledge that the legacy of any sin in a family is passed down by parent to child.  Children learn by instruction, but they learn so much more by example.  Kids will adopt behaviors that they see and attitudes they hear.  Children also learn behaviors by what they can get away with.  If bad behaviors go unchecked, forget about it.  The Bible gives the following instruction for parents:

“Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6)

The Bible teaches that, for better or worse, if you train a child to go a certain way when they are young, they will continue to go that way when they are old.  This is great news if you are training your kids to be obedient, respectful, thankful, compassionate, and responsible people, but this is obviously bad news if you are training (allowing) your kids to be disobedient, disrespectful, covetous, self-entitled, selfish, and/or reckless.  How can you tell what you are training/allowing them to become?  Well, look at them.  What do you see?

All right, so let’s say you’ve identified some sinful family characteristics that you want to put an end to once and for all.  Or you see some behaviors or attitudes you don’t like seeing in your children, or maybe even in yourself.  Or you strongly desire to create an entirely new, absolutely glowing legacy for your family.  How do you do it?

When God initially sent a prophet to tell Jeroboam that God was going to take away ten of the tribes of Israel from Solomon and give them to Jeroboam to rule over, He also said this:

“Then it shall be, if you heed all that I command you, walk in My ways, and do what is right in My sight, to keep My statutes and My commandments, as My servant David did, then I will be with you and build for you an enduring house, as I built for David, and will give Israel to you.” (1 Kings 11:38)

That is a powerful promise right there!  God gives Jeroboam explicit instructions on how to build a strong, successful, and long-lasting legacy for his family.  But this promise was by no means unusual or unique to Jeroboam.  In the Old Testament, God regularly tells Israel that if they will simply obey Him, then blessings for them and their families will follow:

“Therefore know this day, and consider it in your heart, that the Lord Himself is God in heaven above and on the earth beneath; there is no other.  You shall therefore keep His statutes and His commandments which I command you today, that it may go well with you and with your children after you, and that you may prolong your days in the land which the Lord your God is giving you for all time.” (Deuteronomy 4:39-40)

“Observe and obey all these words which I command you, that it may go well with you and your children after you forever, when you do what is good and right in the sight of the Lord your God.” (Deuteronomy 12:28)

“I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life, that both you and your descendants may live; that you may love the Lord your God, that you may obey His voice, and that you may cling to Him, for He is your life and the length of your days.” (Deuteronomy 30:19-20)

Sadly, neither Jeroboam nor Israel cashed in on God’s promises but instead turned away from Him and did whatever they wanted:

“Yet the Lord testified against Israel and against Judah, by all of His prophets, every seer, saying, ‘Turn from your evil ways, and keep My commandments and My statutes, according to all the law which I commanded your fathers, and which I sent to you by My servants the prophets.’  Nevertheless they would not hear, but stiffened their necks, like the necks of their fathers, who did not believe in the Lord their God.” (2 Kings 17:13-14)

It always gets me how some people are so adamantly against God and obeying His instructions in The Bible.  I wish more people would realize that when they go against God, they lose every time.  I get it: Most people don’t like being told what to do, but here’s the thing… God created us and the world we’re living in and the moral code by which we will be most happy and emotionally healthy and successful.  So when God says in His Word to obey Him and to turn away from our sinful desires or inclinations, it is literally for our own good.  It’s always when we reject God’s way and chose our own way that things fall apart.  As the Lord spoke about the nation Israel, so He would say about anyone and everyone who doesn’t follow Him:

“Oh, that they had such a heart in them that they would fear Me and always keep all My commandments, that it might be well with them and with their children forever!” (Deuteronomy 5:29)

So.  What will your family legacy be?  Maybe you already have a solid, happy, God-honoring legacy in your family.  If that’s the case, humbly thank God for it and purpose with all your heart to continue it.  My guess, though, is that most people can think of at least a couple sinful family patterns they’d like to keep from affecting their children and future generations.  I encourage you to take some time to meditate on this and to ask God for help to start anew with you and your family.

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.” (2 Corinthians 5:17)

“Do not remember the former things,

Nor consider the things of old.

Behold, I will do a new thing,

Now it shall spring forth;

Shall you not know it?

I will even make a road in the wilderness

And rivers in the desert.”

(Isaiah 43:18-19)

The Real War on Women

By Taisa Efseaff Maffey

A couple months ago, Ethan and I watched the latest Taken movie with Liam Neeson.  (What are we on now… Taken 3?  Taken 5?)  Normally, I’d feel bad giving a spoiler, but this movie has been out of theaters for a while now and isn’t very good anyway, so I don’t think anybody will care.

In this movie, Liam Neeson’s daughter “Kim” finds out she’s pregnant with her boyfriend’s baby and eventually builds up the courage to tell her father.  In the last scene of the movie, Liam Neeson’s character, being the cool, progressive dad that he is, gives Kim the politically correct, boiler plate line that he will support her on whatever her decision is – meaning, he will support her whether she decides to abort the baby or carry the baby to term.  Kim of course then smiles and tells him that she is going to have the baby and name her after Kim’s mother.  Everyone is happy about this decision and the movie ends.

For the next ten minutes, Ethan remained on the couch and listened patiently to me as I lectured on the hypocrisy of Hollywood for espousing pro-choice ideology while simultaneously not having the nerve to actually follow through with it on screen.  What do I mean?  This particular angle in the movie was a clear example of liberal mainstream media’s brazen push of pro-choice sentiments, followed by typical cowardly and contradictory action.

The standard storyline follows: Woman finds out she’s pregnant.  Woman has the choice to abort or have the baby, and both choices are presented as acceptable.  BUT even though each choice is equally acceptable, Woman chooses to have the baby virtually every time.  This customary, “soft” ending belies the pro-choice ideology that mainstream media otherwise regularly promotes.  In other words, if choosing to abort a baby were truly as acceptable as delivering the baby at full term, then why don’t we see both scenarios played out equally as often?  In fact, as I shared these thoughts with Ethan, several other examples of Hollywood favoring birth over death immediately came to mind:

In the movie, Juno, Ellen Page’s 16 year old character finds out she’s pregnant and goes to an abortion clinic to “nip it in the bud,” according to her own words.  But when she gets there, she runs into a classmate who is protesting alone outside.  The classmate’s words have an effect on Juno, especially the idea that her baby already has fingernails, and Juno leaves the clinic, resolving to have the baby and put it up for adoption instead.

On season four of Downton Abbey (again, sorry if this is a spoiler, but if you haven’t gotten into Downton Abbey yet, then you have only yourself to blame), Edith discovers she’s pregnant with her married boyfriend’s child.  Edith decides to abort the baby, makes an appointment at a secret abortion clinic, but then ends up backing out at the last minute, much to her aunt’s relief.  Together, Edith and Aunt Rosamund hatch a plan to travel in the future months so that Edith can carry and have the baby without anyone knowing and then give the baby up for adoption.

Rachel’s pregnancy on season eight of Friends was of course big news at the time.  Even though Rachel is single and easily could opt to terminate the baby in favor of having a child at a more opportune time in her life, she chooses to have the baby.

On season five of Frasier, Roz finds herself in the exact same situation as Rachel.  Unmarried, Roz faces crisis when she discovers she’s pregnant but, again, ultimately decides to keep the baby and raise it herself.

The last example I’ll give is an interesting one.  Towards the end of Ally McBeal’s first season, Georgia takes a pregnancy test that turns out positive.  Though Georgia is happily married to Billy at the time, she’s also in the middle of building her career as a lawyer and doesn’t feel it’s the right time to start a family.  Almost verbatim, Billy delivers the same lines to Georgia that Liam Neeson’s character gives Kim in Taken 3 – that he’ll support her on whatever her decision is.  The underlying message is that even though Billy’s the father, he doesn’t have a say because it’s a matter of Georgia’s body and therefore her decision to make.  Georgia makes it a point to tell Billy that she’s pro-choice, but that she couldn’t imagine getting an abortion knowing it’s his baby inside her.  She decides to keep the baby.  Later, she finds out the first test gave her a false positive, so she wasn’t pregnant after all.

Now why am I sharing these examples and suddenly going off about the hypocrisy of liberal mainstream media?  Because I want the real story to be told.  If Hollywood is going to promote the pro-choice stance, then I want Hollywood to follow through and write realistic pro-choice endings to their stories.  I want Juno to have the abortion at the beginning of the movie so we can watch how a 16 year old deals with the aftermath of that decision.  I want Edith to have the abortion and see how happy she is once her “problem” is solved.  I want Rachel and Roz to get their abortions and find out how they go on with their lives as normal.  I want Georgia to get the abortion and learn how it affects her and her marriage with Billy.

But Hollywood isn’t writing those stories.  Oh, I’m sure there are some out there, but at this point it seems for the most part that even Hollywood knows abortion is not a happy ending.  Abortion brings with it psychological trauma, devastation, shame, guilt, depression, and regret, and who wants to talk about that?  And so, Hollywood still aims to promote a woman’s right to choose, but then lets its women characters off the hook by making sure they choose life over death.  If only so many women in real life were as lucky to have someone looking out for them like that.

My heart has been so heavy these past several weeks as one by one these Planned Parenthood (PP) videos have been released, exposing PP doctors and executives as they casually discuss aborted babies like they were animal carcasses and the (illegal) sale of baby body parts.  Graphic pictures and videos have also surfaced of aborted babies, even of physicians and medical staff poking at and identifying baby body parts in laboratory dishes with tweezers.  It doesn't get any sicker than that.

But what upsets me the most right now, aside from the unfathomable number of innocent lives that have been extinguished by abortion, aside from the horrendous abortion procedures and protocol used, and aside from the callous attitudes of the PP doctors and executives in the videos, is the subsequent outcry of blind, unwavering support from PP advocates.  Now, this doesn’t mean that I’ve actually heard any of them defend the subjects in the PP videos.  It seems even PP supporters on some level know there is no defense to be made.   Instead, what I’ve heard are the following pathetically flimsy protests:

• The videos are highly edited.
• The release of these videos is just another tactic of conservatives to attack PP.
• This is a matter of taking away women’s reproductive health care.
• This is another example of the war on women.

When I read or hear these protests (you can’t even call them arguments), I’m tempted to shout back and refute all the dumb, senseless claims.  But then I realize there’s no point.  So many of these people have been and are still mindlessly swallowing down whatever mainstream media dishes out, and then later regurgitating whatever they’ve been told are the correct views to have.  And then there are the people who sincerely believe in a woman’s right to choose abortion.  I’ll be honest: I’ve always had a hard time trying to understand them and their side of this issue.  But when I stop and follow the issue back to its roots, it becomes simple.

For decades now, women have been taught that being a woman means being independent and self-sufficient.  Being a woman means making her own decisions and not being accountable to anyone but herself for those decisions.  Furthermore, women have been taught that being a woman means being free physically, to be sexually active at whatever time she “feels ready” and with whoever she wants, and that no one can tell her what to do or what not to do with her body.  I obviously wasn’t born during the women’s liberation movement, and yet I have received its messages from movies and TV and magazines, and I see its effects around me.

You want to talk about a war on women?  The real war on women starts with young women.  The real war on women is not teaching women to value themselves and respect their bodies.  The real war on women is correlating a woman's value with her level of sex appeal to men.  The real war on women is talking about sex like it’s not a big deal.  The real war on women is presenting sex like it’s an inherent aspect of womanhood, regardless of marital status.  The real war on women is presenting sex like it’s a required component of romantic relationships, again regardless of marital status.  The real war on women is teaching women that they can use their sexuality to get what they want, which is usually love, affection, and attention.  The real war on women is presenting sex like it’s the same thing as love.

I know, it’s so old-fashioned and prudish of me to knock sex outside of marriage.  Today’s society is way past the idea of it being wrong or even taboo.  But here’s what I see happening: I see women trying to play a game with an entirely different set of rules, and they’re losing.  I see single women who are operating under these delusions that having sex empowers them or makes them free or gets them what they want when nothing could be further from the truth.

The Bible teaches that sexual immorality (for the purposes of this article, I’m focusing on sex between two unmarried people) is not just a sin against God but it’s a sin against one’s own body, that sexual immorality defiles the body and compromises the spirit (1 Corinthians 6:18-20).  And I believe all women who give away their virginity before marriage feel this on some level, at least initially.  I knew a woman who had a chaotic home life as a child and who grew up rebellious and promiscuous but became a Christian as an adult.  She told me that she never knew a single girl who didn’t admit to crying after giving up her virginity.  Why is that?  Because it’s a sin against the body, and that registers in one’s spirit and soul.  When this happens, the woman is not empowered but left vulnerable because she has compromised herself in the most intimate way, and more often than not with someone who doesn’t truly value her and who will only be a temporary part of her life.

Not only have women been led astray to believe that they can and should become sexually active as soon as they “feel ready” and that their sexuality empowers them, they have also been taught that they have the right to get rid of any consequences that may happen as a result.  Women have been assured that pregnancy is nothing more than a mass of tissue that can be easily expelled, should it be unwanted or an inconvenience to a woman’s life.  But all this amounts to is trying to cover up one sin with another.

No matter how the media and Planned Parenthood and pro-choice advocates try to twist the facts and diminish the legitimacy and sanctity of even the smallest life, we must not allow ourselves to lose our sensitivity to what we know is right.  The Bible is clear on these points: God is the author of life, life begins at conception, and no one has the right to extinguish innocent life.  David, the psalmist and king of Israel, declares,

“For You formed my inward parts;

You covered me in my mother’s womb.

I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Marvelous are Your works,

And that my soul knows very well.

My frame was not hidden from You,

When I was made in secret,

And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.

Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.

And in Your book they all were written,

The days fashioned for me,

When as yet there were none of them.” (Psalm 139: 13-16)

The prophet Jeremiah also reveals,

“Then the word of the Lord came to me, saying:

‘Before I formed you in the womb I knew you;

Before you were born I sanctified you;

I ordained you a prophet to the nations.’” (Jeremiah 1:4-5)

Even Job in his misery acknowledges,

“Did You not […] clothe me with skin and flesh,

And knit me together with bones and sinews?

You have granted me life.” (Job 10:10-12)

By now, I’m sure someone reading this may be wondering, “But what about women who become pregnant from rape or incest?  They don’t fall into the category of ‘sexual sin.’”  No, they do not, and I can’t begin to imagine the devastation and horror a woman would feel upon learning that such a traumatic experience resulted in pregnancy.  But do the circumstances of a pregnancy make the termination of a baby’s life any less a sin?  Not according to the Bible:

“These six things the Lord hates,

Yes, seven are an abomination to Him:

A proud look,

A lying tongue,

Hands that shed innocent blood,

A heart that devises wicked plans,

Feet that are swift in running to evil,

A false witness who speaks lies,

And one who sows discord among brethren.” (Proverbs 6:16-19)

“If men fight, and hurt a woman with child, so that she gives birth prematurely, yet no harm follows, he shall surely be punished accordingly as the woman’s husband imposes on him; and he shall pay as the judges determine.  But if any harm follows, then you shall give life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot, burn for burn, wound for wound, stripe for stripe.” (Exodus 21:22-25)

“I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life, that both you and your descendants may live; that you may love the Lord your God, that you may obey His voice, and that you may cling to Him, for He is your life and the length of your days.” (Deuteronomy 30:19-20)

The following two clips are of women who are abortion survivors.  Each woman was aborted during her mother’s pregnancy, and each miraculously survived.  These women have voices, but almost didn’t.  And they are using their voices and their testimonies to fight the real war on women.  Because ultimately, the real war on women is teaching women that the only rights that matter are their own.

P.S.

If you are a woman who has had an abortion and repented of it, please know that this post is not intended to tear open old wounds.  This post is simply a matter of speaking Biblical truth about a current issue with the hope that people’s eyes would be opened and their hearts changed if they do not see this matter through God’s eyes.  If I have upset you, I sincerely apologize and offer this comfort:

“For as the heavens are high above the earth,

So great is His mercy toward those who fear Him;

As far as the east is from the west,

So far has He removed our transgressions from us.

As a father pities his children,

So the Lord pities those who fear Him.

For He knows our frame;

He remembers that we are dust.” (Psalm 103:11-14)